I have a problem. And I need to pray my butt off for it. And if you'd like to pray for me as well, that'd be great.

I love that God put me at CNU, in these two years, I have grown in so many ways I never imagined. But, I feel like it's time to move on. I don't know if this is just an impulse, but it's a feeling that's been growing in me for a long time, so maybe it isn't.

I just feel like besides an amazing community of friends who have been so good to me, and Intervarsity, there is nothing there for me. I love theater so much, but I hate being a theater major. I honestly don't like the department, and I don't feel like I am passionate enough about the program to spend all my time in it like others do. I can't wait to take playwriting, but I could even do that without being a theater major.

The only other option? English. I have enough credits to continue in English as a major, instead of theater. I would probably concentrate in creative writing. Thinking about creative writing scares me, because I hate writing unless I am inspired. It would be extremely difficult for it to become a discipline for me.

I don't want Theater or English. I don't want any of the other programs at CNU. Not for four years.

What a girl to do? Transfer.

I know, I know. Yeah, right. I don't have the money to do that. I don't. My parents are not having the easiest time putting me through college. These past two years will be several thousand dollars down the drain for them, without me getting a degree. I want to get a degree, but my parents want it more for me, and want me to pursue it in the cheapest, easiest way- 4 years at CNU...I gotta obey that, right? Since they're the parents and the breadwinners.

By the way, if I transfer I know what I'd want to study. Either communication design or film, depending on where I go. I have no idea where to go. I looked at VCU, and it seems like transferring there is a bigger bitch than most places, as far as going into the arts. I'd have to submit a portfolio just to get in, even though I am not currently an art student. For film! Plus the program requirements would make a freshman for a long time.I was browsing, looking at Pacific Northwest College of Art, and it seems like it at least would possibly take my liberal arts credits, which I have a lot of. But that is in Portland, thousands of miles away from home, away from my family, away from my friends who I love so I dearly, and miss so much right now. Even though Portland is an ideal place for me to be, I need to look much closer to home.

Plus, I have no money.

So what else? Well, I think maybe after next semester, I might take a semester off. I am definitely gonna continue at CNU this semester, and am excited about going back when I do. And who knows, maybe when I go back, I'll stay for good. But I am seriously considering dropping out for a semester, to
a) work my butt off (to possibly afford transferring, and so my parents won't pay room and board for a semester that might be a waste of time)
b) pray. pray. pray. explore my options. apply to and visit colleges. pray God will open doors.
c)maybe take an art class at NOVA

I would absolutely hate being home, while I could be at CNU with my friends. I would abhor it. It would not be easy. Not in the slightest. But I know I need to be a good steward of my parents' money, and going to school for things that I am impassionate about is not gonna work. So that's maybe what will happen. Who knows? I'm petrified. CNU is so comfortable for me. CNU has been a home to me. I feel more at home there than I ever have felt among my Manassas community. Plus there's the issue of IV leadership. I made a committment to it. I am stoked about theater small group next semester and what God has in store for it. But I at least know that if I do lead, there are girls in the group who'd be fully capable of taking over. Afterall, Beth, Nicole, and I are not the leaders of the group. God is.

I don't cry usually when people leave or I leave people. But right now, thinking about leaving CNU is making me tear up. I really love it there. But it doesn't feel right for what I wanna do. It feels like a waste of my parents' money.

So, I am gonna go this next semester to see if I have any passion for it, academically. And if I don't, away I go.

God, I don't want to do this.