Donald Miller, writer of really honest, thought-provoking narrative books on faith like "Blue Like Jazz" and "Searching for God Knows What" is joining the Barack Obama: Faith, Family and Values Tour.
I have a very mixed reaction. Honestly, I have no idea who I'm voting for. While Obama is an inexperienced idealist who is probably much more corruptible than his rhetoric leads people to believe, Mccain is Bush #2 who just happens to have experience and a maverick history (not to mention I am not a fan of his running mate).
I just had a conversation with some friends last night on how involved the Church should be in the government or politics. Should Christians stay out of government entirely and just focus on sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ to individuals, or should we look out for mass society making sure the laws of the land frees the oppressed and oppressors from oppressing? I don't have the answer.
I do believe that to an extent we stayed involved. Yes, we want the government to make ethical God-honoring laws. But politics becomes a messy thing. Both sides don't have it right. Both sides are not entirely ethical.
Honestly, it bothers me when I go to Church and either liberal or conservative politics are preached to me. I don't think the pulpit exists for those platforms. There's a danger in manipulating people to vote a certain way, there's abuse of authority and thirst of power associated with that.
But Donald Miller isn't a pastor. He's a Christian who happens to write faith-inspired books (kinda like what I want to do). And he's taking a stand for something he believes in, and speaking out against the assumption that evangelical voters need to vote Republican. Still, he does have many followers who eat up his books and the words he says. If he's gonna continue on this political trail, he needs to be careful.
I have not made up my mind on how I feel about this campaign tour. I guess we will see what the fruit of it is.
He did the benediction for the DNC convention. This is interview he had with Christianity Today before it. He made some good points, but none which really tells me why he's a democrat instead of an independent.
And the benediction itself:
Monday, September 22, 2008
strictly heretical and absurd
Dear Bill Maher,
You don't get it. One does not have to be an intellectual to be saved by Jesus Christ. You don't have to be anything. You can receive Jesus on basis of God's grace by faith alone. There's no works involved, no intellect needed.
But that does not mean God doesn't give plenty of his people brains. There is a huge array of Christian intellectuals out there, but you don't even consider them. I may have just watched the trailer of your new film Religuous, but I did not see Ravi or Piper or Tim Keller or Sproul or Riddlebarger represented. There were lots of beautiful people you interviewed and made a total fool of, who did not have the apologetics or who were matched in your intellect to show you down. To prove you wrong. Interesting choice.
But yes, even those intellectuals will be foolish in your sight. For God chooses the foolish to shame the wise. There a lot of Christians out there who do not have a good grasp of theology or apologetics, but this is because some churches are not out there teaching it. I don't think that's a good thing, I that Christians should always be prepared to give good reason. But that does not mean that these people don't have good hearts. And it does not make them robots. Not all humans are blessed with your high, austere level of intellect. Thank God. We would all be very cold-hearted, pretentious individuals who glorify ourselves, deeply crooked beings in our nature, instead of glorifying what is ultimately Good and Righteous. I thank God for these "crazy" people. They show passion, devotion, spirit and heart. Much more than your stone-like cynicism will ever achieve.
So if you wanna take on Christianity, or faith in general, as you do in your film. Go to the theologians, people who study faith and study reason and still believe. I would have to watch your movie to see if you do that or not, but after viewing your trailer, I am deeply disturbed and would not like to send $10 your way. Maybe I'll just bootleg your movie to rip you off, so I can see that my fears are validated- that not one reasonably intellectual Christian was recorded in the making of this film.
Watch the trailer, here
http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi3857252633/
You don't get it. One does not have to be an intellectual to be saved by Jesus Christ. You don't have to be anything. You can receive Jesus on basis of God's grace by faith alone. There's no works involved, no intellect needed.
But that does not mean God doesn't give plenty of his people brains. There is a huge array of Christian intellectuals out there, but you don't even consider them. I may have just watched the trailer of your new film Religuous, but I did not see Ravi or Piper or Tim Keller or Sproul or Riddlebarger represented. There were lots of beautiful people you interviewed and made a total fool of, who did not have the apologetics or who were matched in your intellect to show you down. To prove you wrong. Interesting choice.
But yes, even those intellectuals will be foolish in your sight. For God chooses the foolish to shame the wise. There a lot of Christians out there who do not have a good grasp of theology or apologetics, but this is because some churches are not out there teaching it. I don't think that's a good thing, I that Christians should always be prepared to give good reason. But that does not mean that these people don't have good hearts. And it does not make them robots. Not all humans are blessed with your high, austere level of intellect. Thank God. We would all be very cold-hearted, pretentious individuals who glorify ourselves, deeply crooked beings in our nature, instead of glorifying what is ultimately Good and Righteous. I thank God for these "crazy" people. They show passion, devotion, spirit and heart. Much more than your stone-like cynicism will ever achieve.
So if you wanna take on Christianity, or faith in general, as you do in your film. Go to the theologians, people who study faith and study reason and still believe. I would have to watch your movie to see if you do that or not, but after viewing your trailer, I am deeply disturbed and would not like to send $10 your way. Maybe I'll just bootleg your movie to rip you off, so I can see that my fears are validated- that not one reasonably intellectual Christian was recorded in the making of this film.
Watch the trailer, here
http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi3857252633/
Saturday, September 20, 2008
choices
I'm finally about 98% sure about my response to a decision I have to make. Phew. I hate the choice but like it, because it may just be the smarter thing to do.
Sometimes the smartest thing is the least appealing thing. But I just gotta go ahead with it.
Sometimes the smartest thing is the least appealing thing. But I just gotta go ahead with it.
what i am running from
Somebody recently told me that, like Jonah, I'm running away from something God wants me to do and what ever that is, that's what I should be doing.
As he said that, in my heart I completely knew it was true. In my head I said, "That can't be! I've kept my options open to do anything!"
But today I realized that it wasn't about doing it RIGHT now or even the very near future, but positioning my heart in a place where it's getting READY. And I have not focused my heart at all on something that a year ago I would tell basically everyone and anyone I wanted to do.
I realize that running away has nothing to do with "keeping my options open." I avoid thinking about. I avoid praying about it. I am negligent to tell people about my trip to Kenya and uncomfortable and awkward when I try to explain it. I am more negligent of world news (which is mighty easy with politics always on the tube).
I have tried my hardest to assimilate (not integrate) into a society which I re-entered after a two month cross-cultural trip. Which was hard. And I am still affected by it. I try to make myself fit in as much as possible in the cultural climate I'm in. Some might say that's good and healthy to try to place prior prejudices aside and try to get along with everyone...but as I mentioned...there's a distinct difference between integration (good) and assimilation (bad) and I have too easily assimilated here.
Now I can hardly imagine doing what I wanted to do a year ago, although I still set it as an option for later on.
When is "later one?
Why am I running away? Why am I completely shut down to doing any sort of missions work (I mean c'mon, you've had to guess that with the context)?
Fear. I am scared. If I keep talking about my heart condition I'll completely demean myself. I am afraid of motives, most of all. And I'm afraid I'm not good enough and I can not love enough and that I need to be near perfect before I can even consider doing missions work. And lastly, a concern I rarely used to have, I'm afraid of no security- no money, no health benefits, no steady community, no future fill in the blank. I really like life cushy and comfortable right now.
So there it is. Pray for me, yes?
As he said that, in my heart I completely knew it was true. In my head I said, "That can't be! I've kept my options open to do anything!"
But today I realized that it wasn't about doing it RIGHT now or even the very near future, but positioning my heart in a place where it's getting READY. And I have not focused my heart at all on something that a year ago I would tell basically everyone and anyone I wanted to do.
I realize that running away has nothing to do with "keeping my options open." I avoid thinking about. I avoid praying about it. I am negligent to tell people about my trip to Kenya and uncomfortable and awkward when I try to explain it. I am more negligent of world news (which is mighty easy with politics always on the tube).
I have tried my hardest to assimilate (not integrate) into a society which I re-entered after a two month cross-cultural trip. Which was hard. And I am still affected by it. I try to make myself fit in as much as possible in the cultural climate I'm in. Some might say that's good and healthy to try to place prior prejudices aside and try to get along with everyone...but as I mentioned...there's a distinct difference between integration (good) and assimilation (bad) and I have too easily assimilated here.
Now I can hardly imagine doing what I wanted to do a year ago, although I still set it as an option for later on.
When is "later one?
Why am I running away? Why am I completely shut down to doing any sort of missions work (I mean c'mon, you've had to guess that with the context)?
Fear. I am scared. If I keep talking about my heart condition I'll completely demean myself. I am afraid of motives, most of all. And I'm afraid I'm not good enough and I can not love enough and that I need to be near perfect before I can even consider doing missions work. And lastly, a concern I rarely used to have, I'm afraid of no security- no money, no health benefits, no steady community, no future fill in the blank. I really like life cushy and comfortable right now.
So there it is. Pray for me, yes?
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
meditation is a lost art
God's people have been practicing meditation since Genesis.
Christians have practicing it since the roots of the Way.
Why is it a lost art in modern day Christianity?
Why will most Christians note it as some strictly Zen yoga thing if it's mentioned?
Meditation is crucial to the spiritual disciplines.
Some of you might think, o it's just Janelle, "that hippie", saying this. Well I am not coming to you as a hippie but as a Christ follower when I mention critical things to our faith such as meditation, social justice, and environmental stewardship. These are so much more than just strong opinions of mine- they go to the heart of Christ. Please do not let my apparent liberalism distract you from the real matter at hand.
But, I digress.
Meditation is simply a great thing, which on my own wisdom, I would not even consider. I had to first of all humble myself to read this little book called Celebration of Discipline by Richard J. Foster.
In this book, he explains the importance of spiritual disciples such as prayer, fasting, worship, meditation and scripture. Even though we cannot work to obtain God's love, because it is freely given to us if we receive, does not mean we do not strive on to know and love God. God's grace is not cheap and to be taken for granted.
The first chapter after the introduction covers meditation and I am eating it up. The past couple of days, I've been doing a couple med exercises from the book, and even making some up as I go (because there is no formula to it). I feel so much more free and open to God's spirit than I have lately, and I have a long way to go in my disciplines but I already get a sense of true communion with God. It's a really moving thing.
At church today, I heard a sermon on the same plane. The Western Church is focused on growth and performance. In my time in college, where I grew most with God at all in my life, I struggled a lot with treating my faith like a performance art. I knew all the right answers. And I seemed passionate. With me was carried a charisma that delighted other people. But it wasn't always real. I played a game. It was called, get people to like me, because they won't if they see just a timid, anxious girl. As I said, it was something I recognized and I struggled a lot with. I wanted so badly to become genuine. To become real. Even with that, I felt like I had fooled people. I've had friends and even mere acquaintances would tell me that I am one of the most genuine people they knew. I never felt like a bigger farce. And I would try to dissuade them from that opinion. But beating yourself down is not humility, and it's not true sincerity.
And again, I digress.
The sermon was about how it's not about performance but tapping into the inner man. As trite as it may sound, it's what's going on in the inside that matters. Spending quiet time alone with God is probably one of the best things you can do. Not some big act of Charity. Not praying loudly on a street corner, or some big conference, not using InterVarsity merely as means of social time.
I seldom take quiet times. It kind of makes my heart sad. I have an amazing opportunity to sit in the presence of the King of the Universe, but I am just too content listening to Radiohead and writing on someone's Facebook wall.
Foster says that superficiality is the curse of our age. I believe it. If you've seen me lately, obsessing more about weight and hair even more than books, finding out about the coolest music, you would see I'm living proof. Even people like me who prance around as if they were "too good for that," counter-culture, deep, contemplative people, indulge in meaningless vanities- all the time with a blink of the eye, not a second to lose.
Time to quiet down and listen. Noise down, ears opens, heart receptive.
(more to follow as I discover)
Christians have practicing it since the roots of the Way.
Why is it a lost art in modern day Christianity?
Why will most Christians note it as some strictly Zen yoga thing if it's mentioned?
Meditation is crucial to the spiritual disciplines.
Some of you might think, o it's just Janelle, "that hippie", saying this. Well I am not coming to you as a hippie but as a Christ follower when I mention critical things to our faith such as meditation, social justice, and environmental stewardship. These are so much more than just strong opinions of mine- they go to the heart of Christ. Please do not let my apparent liberalism distract you from the real matter at hand.
But, I digress.
Meditation is simply a great thing, which on my own wisdom, I would not even consider. I had to first of all humble myself to read this little book called Celebration of Discipline by Richard J. Foster.
In this book, he explains the importance of spiritual disciples such as prayer, fasting, worship, meditation and scripture. Even though we cannot work to obtain God's love, because it is freely given to us if we receive, does not mean we do not strive on to know and love God. God's grace is not cheap and to be taken for granted.
The first chapter after the introduction covers meditation and I am eating it up. The past couple of days, I've been doing a couple med exercises from the book, and even making some up as I go (because there is no formula to it). I feel so much more free and open to God's spirit than I have lately, and I have a long way to go in my disciplines but I already get a sense of true communion with God. It's a really moving thing.
At church today, I heard a sermon on the same plane. The Western Church is focused on growth and performance. In my time in college, where I grew most with God at all in my life, I struggled a lot with treating my faith like a performance art. I knew all the right answers. And I seemed passionate. With me was carried a charisma that delighted other people. But it wasn't always real. I played a game. It was called, get people to like me, because they won't if they see just a timid, anxious girl. As I said, it was something I recognized and I struggled a lot with. I wanted so badly to become genuine. To become real. Even with that, I felt like I had fooled people. I've had friends and even mere acquaintances would tell me that I am one of the most genuine people they knew. I never felt like a bigger farce. And I would try to dissuade them from that opinion. But beating yourself down is not humility, and it's not true sincerity.
And again, I digress.
The sermon was about how it's not about performance but tapping into the inner man. As trite as it may sound, it's what's going on in the inside that matters. Spending quiet time alone with God is probably one of the best things you can do. Not some big act of Charity. Not praying loudly on a street corner, or some big conference, not using InterVarsity merely as means of social time.
I seldom take quiet times. It kind of makes my heart sad. I have an amazing opportunity to sit in the presence of the King of the Universe, but I am just too content listening to Radiohead and writing on someone's Facebook wall.
Foster says that superficiality is the curse of our age. I believe it. If you've seen me lately, obsessing more about weight and hair even more than books, finding out about the coolest music, you would see I'm living proof. Even people like me who prance around as if they were "too good for that," counter-culture, deep, contemplative people, indulge in meaningless vanities- all the time with a blink of the eye, not a second to lose.
Time to quiet down and listen. Noise down, ears opens, heart receptive.
(more to follow as I discover)
Monday, September 08, 2008
stunned..baffled really
I can't believe how low people will stoop for money. How people will so eagerly take advantage of their loved ones.
It's that "Arrested Development" sense of blatantly suspended morals. Funny on TV. Absolutely disgusting in real life.
It's that "Arrested Development" sense of blatantly suspended morals. Funny on TV. Absolutely disgusting in real life.
Saturday, September 06, 2008
choices
I have a decision to make that I'm not comfortable making on my own competance.
I haven't even felt very competant to pray lately.
So if everyone who reads this who likes to pray can pray for direction in my life that would be much appreciated.
If you wanna know what to pray for, please e-mail me at janelloespo@gmail.com.
I haven't even felt very competant to pray lately.
So if everyone who reads this who likes to pray can pray for direction in my life that would be much appreciated.
If you wanna know what to pray for, please e-mail me at janelloespo@gmail.com.
Monday, September 01, 2008
It's the first of September and a new beginning
Like it or not God is breaking me to draw him closer to Himself.
I give him all the praise for that!
Lately, I have been less than broken and incredibly prideful.
I am so ready to give it ALL to the Lord.
I give him all the praise for that!
Lately, I have been less than broken and incredibly prideful.
I am so ready to give it ALL to the Lord.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
I want to grow closer to God.
I've been having a hard time doing that in this context (this place).
I need a lot of purposeful, intentional time to myself.
And I really like Cape Canaveral by Conor Oberst. Weird. I hated him when he was Bright Eyes.
Ha. I really need to weed out distractions.
It's time to weed and seed.
I need a lot of purposeful, intentional time to myself.
And I really like Cape Canaveral by Conor Oberst. Weird. I hated him when he was Bright Eyes.
Ha. I really need to weed out distractions.
It's time to weed and seed.
Friday, August 29, 2008
an inconsistent blog of staggering brilliance
This post has no topic I'm staying with, so keep up.
I am officially employed. By Starbucks. Unless you know me real well, you don't understand the hilarity of this. A year ago, I would NEVER work at Starbucks. I thought they were a corporate devil, kicking out the smaller, more local coffee businesses. I didn't even like their coffee. But now I am working for them. How do I feel?
Not guilty. I think they have picked up some better ethics. And the more I learn about them, the more I like them.
However, part of me feels like I have sold myself short. Not that there is anything wrong with being a barista. Some people make a rather nice profession out of it. But I feel like I have just signed up to never leave Manassas. I mean, of course if I move, I can work at a Starbucks elsewhere. Duh. But will I have enough money to move anywhere? I'd have to be really really smart about saving money.
I feel, since I don't have a well-paying full-time job I'm gonna be in Manassas forever. That's like, one of my top 3 fears in life.
warning: you may need a dictionary to get through this part of my post
Moving on...eschatology. One of my least favorite topics has been fascinating me lately. I don't really like getting in depth about end times study. Sometimes I feel that its a big waste of time. Then end times theologians will use these verbose words that no one really knows the true meaning of and take literal interpretations out of very very metaphorical, symbolic passages. Also, some churches put WAY too much emphases on eschatology, especially those who uphold the dispensational pre-millennialist view point (see what I mean by verbose words?). Their eschatology determines almost everything they do. I mean, seriously, what about the gospel? It's secondary. Jesus' 1000 year earthly reign: far more important.
I can see from my readings that I am not dispensationalist. I don't think there will be a rapture or a 1000 year reign. I am not a postmillenialist, which is this viewpoint held by many progressives that Christ will return, after we, as humans, save the world. Uh-huh. That's a tad optimistic.
I like amillennialism the best out of three, but that doesn't completely satisfy me. I like how it views the reign of Christ as a symbolic reign through the years, but that still Christ is coming back and will consummate new heavens and new earth. The thing I like most about it is that it points more towards Christ and not towards human works. I like the ideas of covenant theology and partial preterism. But I don't think the whole thing is completely infallible.
I think eschatology is one of those mysteries of God which we are not supposed to have hammered out. I don't think it should dictate how we live our faith.
Will I do further research on this? Depends. It's not high on my priority list but good stuff to read to quench curiosity.
On to other things, I have just rejoined myspace. And I ran into a myspace page of "This American Life," a hilarious radio show on NPR. Unbeknown st to me, they have a TV show now on Showtime, and I browsed through some pretty great clips of it.
Here are my favorite two:
1) TAL TV: The Beard Chart
2) TAL TV:This Little Piggy Made Me VomitVisit ThisAmericanLife.org for more.
I am officially employed. By Starbucks. Unless you know me real well, you don't understand the hilarity of this. A year ago, I would NEVER work at Starbucks. I thought they were a corporate devil, kicking out the smaller, more local coffee businesses. I didn't even like their coffee. But now I am working for them. How do I feel?
Not guilty. I think they have picked up some better ethics. And the more I learn about them, the more I like them.
However, part of me feels like I have sold myself short. Not that there is anything wrong with being a barista. Some people make a rather nice profession out of it. But I feel like I have just signed up to never leave Manassas. I mean, of course if I move, I can work at a Starbucks elsewhere. Duh. But will I have enough money to move anywhere? I'd have to be really really smart about saving money.
I feel, since I don't have a well-paying full-time job I'm gonna be in Manassas forever. That's like, one of my top 3 fears in life.
warning: you may need a dictionary to get through this part of my post
Moving on...eschatology. One of my least favorite topics has been fascinating me lately. I don't really like getting in depth about end times study. Sometimes I feel that its a big waste of time. Then end times theologians will use these verbose words that no one really knows the true meaning of and take literal interpretations out of very very metaphorical, symbolic passages. Also, some churches put WAY too much emphases on eschatology, especially those who uphold the dispensational pre-millennialist view point (see what I mean by verbose words?). Their eschatology determines almost everything they do. I mean, seriously, what about the gospel? It's secondary. Jesus' 1000 year earthly reign: far more important.
I can see from my readings that I am not dispensationalist. I don't think there will be a rapture or a 1000 year reign. I am not a postmillenialist, which is this viewpoint held by many progressives that Christ will return, after we, as humans, save the world. Uh-huh. That's a tad optimistic.
I like amillennialism the best out of three, but that doesn't completely satisfy me. I like how it views the reign of Christ as a symbolic reign through the years, but that still Christ is coming back and will consummate new heavens and new earth. The thing I like most about it is that it points more towards Christ and not towards human works. I like the ideas of covenant theology and partial preterism. But I don't think the whole thing is completely infallible.
I think eschatology is one of those mysteries of God which we are not supposed to have hammered out. I don't think it should dictate how we live our faith.
Will I do further research on this? Depends. It's not high on my priority list but good stuff to read to quench curiosity.
On to other things, I have just rejoined myspace. And I ran into a myspace page of "This American Life," a hilarious radio show on NPR. Unbeknown st to me, they have a TV show now on Showtime, and I browsed through some pretty great clips of it.
Here are my favorite two:
1) TAL TV: The Beard Chart
2) TAL TV:This Little Piggy Made Me Vomit
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
t-shirts that "fit" me, the English dork
A couple of volunteers at the park came in on their day off to wish me goodbye. One of them had a Shakespeare shirt on and thought I'd be proud...
and that started an investigation.
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/womens-light-tshirt/124060289
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/walt-whitman/25568355
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/quit-work-go-to-the-woods-w-dark-tshirt/177557392#
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/so-much-depends-kids-tshirt/50900062
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/literary-emily-dickinson-poetry-womens-light-tsh/107216442
and that started an investigation.
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/womens-light-tshirt/124060289
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/walt-whitman/25568355
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/quit-work-go-to-the-woods-w-dark-tshirt/177557392#
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/so-much-depends-kids-tshirt/50900062
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/literary-emily-dickinson-poetry-womens-light-tsh/107216442
Monday, August 18, 2008
a little tired from job hunting
I'm struggling to figure out what is more important to me at THIS POINT of my life- a meaningful job I can be passionate about, or a job where I make bank.
I seem unable to obtain either.
The job market sucks. I'm gonna write a screenplay and maybe make a movie with Nicole. Maybe thats what it should about. Liberal arts majors trying to get paid to DO SOMETHING. Anything. Kinda like 'Reality Bites' but apply it to today's terrible economy and slightly different lifestyles.
Tomorrow's my last day at Prince William Forest Park. Never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna miss working. But then again it will be nice to be able to find A JOB and not slave labor (aka SCA internship).
I seem unable to obtain either.
The job market sucks. I'm gonna write a screenplay and maybe make a movie with Nicole. Maybe thats what it should about. Liberal arts majors trying to get paid to DO SOMETHING. Anything. Kinda like 'Reality Bites' but apply it to today's terrible economy and slightly different lifestyles.
Tomorrow's my last day at Prince William Forest Park. Never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna miss working. But then again it will be nice to be able to find A JOB and not slave labor (aka SCA internship).
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
these non-pessimistic posts keep coming
This will be optimistic post #2.
God is showing me he is faithful and that he provides. Even though I don't have any bites for full-time salaried jobs.
I had an interview for a coffee shop in Clifton yesterday and will have an interview for a part-time after school job teaching English on Thursday.
I'm hoping I get both jobs- and together that will almost be like a real job!
But it's good to know I'm not stranded, doing nothing after my internship. I got some possibilities. Who knows where they will lead?
Asante sana Yesu!
God is showing me he is faithful and that he provides. Even though I don't have any bites for full-time salaried jobs.
I had an interview for a coffee shop in Clifton yesterday and will have an interview for a part-time after school job teaching English on Thursday.
I'm hoping I get both jobs- and together that will almost be like a real job!
But it's good to know I'm not stranded, doing nothing after my internship. I got some possibilities. Who knows where they will lead?
Asante sana Yesu!
Monday, August 11, 2008
all you need is love
I am DONE being a pessimist.
It's time to find joy in life. Not scrutinize it, yanking out all the bad things. Dwelling on all the uncertainty. Embrace uncertainty. It's exciting. It's adventurous. It's a wild ride.
My life is a life in flux (hence the name of the blog).
I notice that listening to oldies lifts up my spirits.
But even more so, feeling loved.
We had a family reunion this weekend. Now that was love. It's love when you see people you have only met once or twice in your life and they fully embrace you.
I feel love from being able to converse with older women without feeling the generation gap. But simply chatting and being affirmed by them as a woman.
I feel love when I eat my grandma's cooking.
I feel love when I can get along wonderfully with my cousin who couldn't be more different than me.
I feel love when a college friend calls me just because.
I feel love when friends invite me out, even if I can't go.
I feel love when I embarrass myself beyond belief but everybody just laughs.
I feel love when someone cleans up after me.
I feel love from seeing friends at weddings.
I feel love from weirdo inside jokes such as klaus the gnome.
I feel God's love when finding a new place I had yet to discover.
I feel God's love when I can find joy from a simple car ride down a winding road.
I feel love when people read my stories and poems even though I'm kind of embarrassed by them.
I feel God's love when I experience humorous consequences from mistakes I make.
I feel love when dancing in a group of friends.
I feel love when my grandma talks up my acting based simply on a videotape of a high school play I was in.
I feel love when my friends stalk my facebook.
I feel love when I watch the office with my brother.
I feel love when my old roommate still texts me Arrested Development lines.
I feel love when people affirm my talents. Or that I'm smart. Or beautiful.
I feel love with the couple of friends who I know I can call about my problems and they will really listen. No matter when.
In many areas, I don't feel love. And I want that love but I know it'll take time.
I need to let go of my expectations and embrace the love I do have.
On a slightly related note, I love oldies music. It's idealistically romantic. That reminds me I shouldn't settle on whatever seems to be in front of me. Or whatever seems easy. That sorta love IS out there for me, and it'll be grand, but I cannot settle for less. Or focus on boys who won't pursue me.
That sort of love is out there. But for now, I do have love. God loves me. My family loves me. And my friends love me. And I have friends everywhere. In different cities, states and even countries.
I love that.
It's time to find joy in life. Not scrutinize it, yanking out all the bad things. Dwelling on all the uncertainty. Embrace uncertainty. It's exciting. It's adventurous. It's a wild ride.
My life is a life in flux (hence the name of the blog).
I notice that listening to oldies lifts up my spirits.
But even more so, feeling loved.
We had a family reunion this weekend. Now that was love. It's love when you see people you have only met once or twice in your life and they fully embrace you.
I feel love from being able to converse with older women without feeling the generation gap. But simply chatting and being affirmed by them as a woman.
I feel love when I eat my grandma's cooking.
I feel love when I can get along wonderfully with my cousin who couldn't be more different than me.
I feel love when a college friend calls me just because.
I feel love when friends invite me out, even if I can't go.
I feel love when I embarrass myself beyond belief but everybody just laughs.
I feel love when someone cleans up after me.
I feel love from seeing friends at weddings.
I feel love from weirdo inside jokes such as klaus the gnome.
I feel God's love when finding a new place I had yet to discover.
I feel God's love when I can find joy from a simple car ride down a winding road.
I feel love when people read my stories and poems even though I'm kind of embarrassed by them.
I feel God's love when I experience humorous consequences from mistakes I make.
I feel love when dancing in a group of friends.
I feel love when my grandma talks up my acting based simply on a videotape of a high school play I was in.
I feel love when my friends stalk my facebook.
I feel love when I watch the office with my brother.
I feel love when my old roommate still texts me Arrested Development lines.
I feel love when people affirm my talents. Or that I'm smart. Or beautiful.
I feel love with the couple of friends who I know I can call about my problems and they will really listen. No matter when.
In many areas, I don't feel love. And I want that love but I know it'll take time.
I need to let go of my expectations and embrace the love I do have.
On a slightly related note, I love oldies music. It's idealistically romantic. That reminds me I shouldn't settle on whatever seems to be in front of me. Or whatever seems easy. That sorta love IS out there for me, and it'll be grand, but I cannot settle for less. Or focus on boys who won't pursue me.
That sort of love is out there. But for now, I do have love. God loves me. My family loves me. And my friends love me. And I have friends everywhere. In different cities, states and even countries.
I love that.
Monday, August 04, 2008
i have written a lot of little poems lately. i need to start revising.
i have an ongoing novel-turned-movie cinematically panning scenes through my head. but i find little rest to write it all down.
i have ignored my bounds of summer reading.
its not like i have too much to do.
it's that i have a one-track mind- lift. run. yoga. hike. bike. eat a little. socialize.resumes.cover letters. repeat several times over.
i'm sorry literature, the elliptical machine is now my best friend. until i'm at a nice weight, i may speak with you less often.
god, i will try not to do the same to you.
i have an ongoing novel-turned-movie cinematically panning scenes through my head. but i find little rest to write it all down.
i have ignored my bounds of summer reading.
its not like i have too much to do.
it's that i have a one-track mind- lift. run. yoga. hike. bike. eat a little. socialize.resumes.cover letters. repeat several times over.
i'm sorry literature, the elliptical machine is now my best friend. until i'm at a nice weight, i may speak with you less often.
god, i will try not to do the same to you.
a little letter
Dear Lord,
When I fall in love, I want it to be as filled with startling, all-consuming passion as the movie "Music From Another Room."
Does that exist?
Look forward to hearing your response!
Your Daughter,
Janelle
When I fall in love, I want it to be as filled with startling, all-consuming passion as the movie "Music From Another Room."
Does that exist?
Look forward to hearing your response!
Your Daughter,
Janelle
Monday, July 28, 2008
an odd number
"A real Christian in an odd number anyway. He feels supreme love for One whom he has never seen, talks familiarly every day to Someone he cannot see, expects to go to heaven on the virtue of Another, empties himself in order to be full, admits he is wrong so he can be declared right, goes down in order to get up, is strongest when he is weakest, richest when he is poorest, and happiest when he feels worst. He dies so he can live, forsakes in order to have, gives away so he can keep, sees the invisible, hears the inaudible, and knows that which passes knowledge."
Does anyone know which A.W. Tozer book that quote is from? I really like it.
On another note, as a proud CNU InterVarsity Alum, I wanted to share the new cnu IV website! www.cnuiv.com
From the front page, Beth G. does such a great job communicating what this college ministry is all about. It's got me missing InterVarsity, for certain. But, as much as I miss it, I know it's time to move forward into my post-college spiritual life.
Why is it so hard to continue being a Christian after college? That's a future blog which I will try to answer.
For me, it was really easy to develop ideals and opinions about my faith in college. It seems that life now is about putting those ideals into practice. But when you work a 9-5 job, it gets hard to care. That's what it's been like for me, anyway. The thing that sobers me about Tozer's quote is that most of the time I just don't care. A Christian is an odd number.
Does anyone know which A.W. Tozer book that quote is from? I really like it.
On another note, as a proud CNU InterVarsity Alum, I wanted to share the new cnu IV website! www.cnuiv.com
From the front page, Beth G. does such a great job communicating what this college ministry is all about. It's got me missing InterVarsity, for certain. But, as much as I miss it, I know it's time to move forward into my post-college spiritual life.
Why is it so hard to continue being a Christian after college? That's a future blog which I will try to answer.
For me, it was really easy to develop ideals and opinions about my faith in college. It seems that life now is about putting those ideals into practice. But when you work a 9-5 job, it gets hard to care. That's what it's been like for me, anyway. The thing that sobers me about Tozer's quote is that most of the time I just don't care. A Christian is an odd number.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
asante sana yesu!
In kiswahili, that simply means "thank you very much Jesus!"
God's been speaking into my life, powerfully, today. It's the first time in awhile that I'm gripping a few pieces of his huge, mysteriously difficult jigsaw puzzle. Lord, give me ears to hear and eyes to see! Through everything. Through my lunch break, through Kay Arthur's prophesy, through conversation with my parents and new friends, through sermons, through my brother, even through GodTV!
Faith and belief is coming alive to me in a renewed, refreshed sense. I've been caught in a spiritual famine and have been dealing with a lot of doubt. This is nothing miniscule. Every day, it seems like, I'm tempted to walk away from God, for good. It's a daily struggle to just even put a little bit of faith in God and trust in him.
I've been downloading sermons which Kevin Hass has been preaching at By Grace, since I left Newport News to go back home. This has been only a recent activity, starting last week. I would burn a cd for each sermon from the computer, and listen to them coming and going from work. Now, there is nothing great in me doing this. I always seem to miss the point. But today, I listened to a sermon from Luke 9 and Mark 9 which Hass preached awhile ago, and the Word of God came alive to me. Now don't misunderstand, although Hass is a really solid teacher, it wasn't from him alone. What he was preaching actually resonated with a lot of teachings I have heard about faith since I've been home either from church, or bible study or from my dad, and have simply rejected, or brought into huge question. I guess the difference was that Hass was inductively going through a chunk of scripture which is how I prefer to be taught (I mean, don't we all have our preferences?). But there was absolutely no difference in the main message, in what God's been trying to hammer into me all along. There was even no big difference in this message than a message I heard on GodTV the night before (a channel I very frequently, and not so secretly, become skeptical of).
The message?
Have faith in God.
I'll let the passage in Mark 9 say what needs to be said. It preaches for itself. The text is so alive.
(I'll bolden what particularly hits me).
Mark 9:14-29
And when they came to the disciples, they saw a great crowd around them, and scribes arguing with them. And immediately all the crowd, when they saw him, were greatly amazed and ran up to him and greeted him. And he asked them, "What are you arguing about with them?" And someone from the crowd answered him, "Teacher, I brought my son to you, for he has a spirit that makes him mute. And whenever it seizes him, it throws him down, and he foams and grinds his teeth and becomes rigid. So I asked your disciples to cast it out, and they were not able." And he answered them, "O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me." And they brought the boy to him. And when the spirit saw him, immediately it convulsed the boy, and he fell on the ground and rolled about, foaming at the mouth. And Jesus asked his father, "How long has this been happening to him?" And he said, "From childhood. And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." And Jesus said to him, "'If you can'! All things are possible for one who believes." Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!" 25And when Jesus saw that a crowd came running together, he rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, "You mute and deaf spirit, I command you, come out of him and never enter him again." And after crying out and convulsing him terribly, it came out, and the boy was like a corpse, so that most of them said, "He is dead." But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up, and he arose. And when he had entered the house, his disciples asked him privately, "Why could we not cast it out?" And he said to them, "This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer."
Here's a link to the sermon if you want to check it out-http://www.bygraceonline.org/sermons/audio_sermons_2008.htm
It's on Luke 9:36-50 from May 25, 2008.
I took a walk in the woods today and I wanted to share a little bit about it. There was a part in the trail where I became absolutely petrified of my surroundings. Paranoid that I'd get bit by a black widow or be approached by a poisonous snake. Or worse, that I'd run into some horrible serial killer because I was all alone in the isolated wilderness. I don't normally get like that. I have a lot of emotional fears but not a lot of paranoia. I very often walk into danger, completely oblivious to it, because quite frankly I don't usually take too much care. Well, I was freaked out. I walked faster, afraid that some spider would put its venom into my veins. And at some point, I started praying. I have a lot to pray about and I basically surrendered everything. And I kept on repeating, "Lord, I belive, Father, I believe, Spirit, I believe, I believe in you. Help my unbelief. Help me. Help me. Help me." I thought about the positive of being in this time of spiritual famine: that through this, God is showing how GREAT and MAJESTIC his grace and mercy is that he would save and love a complete and totally depraved wretch like me. In the past year, I've felt this. And I did not appreciate why God was doing it, I did not even ask why but instead kept asking God to remove it from me. But today, God brought me into appreciation for this dry time, as absurd as it may sound. That through seeing my depravity, I could genuinely enter into God's grace and overwhelming presence. That I need to submit to God TOTALLY and completely depend on Him at ALL times.
I didn't GET it before. I KNEW it in my HEAD. But I DIDN'T GET IT!
Thank you Jesus for helping my unbelief. I have so much farther to go, but just this little mustard seed makes a world of difference.
God's been speaking into my life, powerfully, today. It's the first time in awhile that I'm gripping a few pieces of his huge, mysteriously difficult jigsaw puzzle. Lord, give me ears to hear and eyes to see! Through everything. Through my lunch break, through Kay Arthur's prophesy, through conversation with my parents and new friends, through sermons, through my brother, even through GodTV!
Faith and belief is coming alive to me in a renewed, refreshed sense. I've been caught in a spiritual famine and have been dealing with a lot of doubt. This is nothing miniscule. Every day, it seems like, I'm tempted to walk away from God, for good. It's a daily struggle to just even put a little bit of faith in God and trust in him.
I've been downloading sermons which Kevin Hass has been preaching at By Grace, since I left Newport News to go back home. This has been only a recent activity, starting last week. I would burn a cd for each sermon from the computer, and listen to them coming and going from work. Now, there is nothing great in me doing this. I always seem to miss the point. But today, I listened to a sermon from Luke 9 and Mark 9 which Hass preached awhile ago, and the Word of God came alive to me. Now don't misunderstand, although Hass is a really solid teacher, it wasn't from him alone. What he was preaching actually resonated with a lot of teachings I have heard about faith since I've been home either from church, or bible study or from my dad, and have simply rejected, or brought into huge question. I guess the difference was that Hass was inductively going through a chunk of scripture which is how I prefer to be taught (I mean, don't we all have our preferences?). But there was absolutely no difference in the main message, in what God's been trying to hammer into me all along. There was even no big difference in this message than a message I heard on GodTV the night before (a channel I very frequently, and not so secretly, become skeptical of).
The message?
Have faith in God.
I'll let the passage in Mark 9 say what needs to be said. It preaches for itself. The text is so alive.
(I'll bolden what particularly hits me).
Mark 9:14-29
And when they came to the disciples, they saw a great crowd around them, and scribes arguing with them. And immediately all the crowd, when they saw him, were greatly amazed and ran up to him and greeted him. And he asked them, "What are you arguing about with them?" And someone from the crowd answered him, "Teacher, I brought my son to you, for he has a spirit that makes him mute. And whenever it seizes him, it throws him down, and he foams and grinds his teeth and becomes rigid. So I asked your disciples to cast it out, and they were not able." And he answered them, "O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me." And they brought the boy to him. And when the spirit saw him, immediately it convulsed the boy, and he fell on the ground and rolled about, foaming at the mouth. And Jesus asked his father, "How long has this been happening to him?" And he said, "From childhood. And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." And Jesus said to him, "'If you can'! All things are possible for one who believes." Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!" 25And when Jesus saw that a crowd came running together, he rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, "You mute and deaf spirit, I command you, come out of him and never enter him again." And after crying out and convulsing him terribly, it came out, and the boy was like a corpse, so that most of them said, "He is dead." But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up, and he arose. And when he had entered the house, his disciples asked him privately, "Why could we not cast it out?" And he said to them, "This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer."
Here's a link to the sermon if you want to check it out-http://www.bygraceonline.org/sermons/audio_sermons_2008.htm
It's on Luke 9:36-50 from May 25, 2008.
I took a walk in the woods today and I wanted to share a little bit about it. There was a part in the trail where I became absolutely petrified of my surroundings. Paranoid that I'd get bit by a black widow or be approached by a poisonous snake. Or worse, that I'd run into some horrible serial killer because I was all alone in the isolated wilderness. I don't normally get like that. I have a lot of emotional fears but not a lot of paranoia. I very often walk into danger, completely oblivious to it, because quite frankly I don't usually take too much care. Well, I was freaked out. I walked faster, afraid that some spider would put its venom into my veins. And at some point, I started praying. I have a lot to pray about and I basically surrendered everything. And I kept on repeating, "Lord, I belive, Father, I believe, Spirit, I believe, I believe in you. Help my unbelief. Help me. Help me. Help me." I thought about the positive of being in this time of spiritual famine: that through this, God is showing how GREAT and MAJESTIC his grace and mercy is that he would save and love a complete and totally depraved wretch like me. In the past year, I've felt this. And I did not appreciate why God was doing it, I did not even ask why but instead kept asking God to remove it from me. But today, God brought me into appreciation for this dry time, as absurd as it may sound. That through seeing my depravity, I could genuinely enter into God's grace and overwhelming presence. That I need to submit to God TOTALLY and completely depend on Him at ALL times.
I didn't GET it before. I KNEW it in my HEAD. But I DIDN'T GET IT!
Thank you Jesus for helping my unbelief. I have so much farther to go, but just this little mustard seed makes a world of difference.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
the hunger years
I want to write a book with that title. I think that's title been used already. Anyone know? I don't want to face reality by looking it up.
The reason why I'm not setting down to write anything is because it'd be a little too autobiographical. Not like writers don't do that shamelessly, but I need a little bit of distance from things before I can write about them, and ultimately, fictionalize them.
"The Hunger Years" would be about an idealistic girl who just graduated college and has no clue how her life is supposed to be. She feels a strong calling to go back to her hometown, but when she gets there, she starts to experience a deep spiritual hunger which she finds herself incapable to feed. More summary to come later.
The reason why I'm not setting down to write anything is because it'd be a little too autobiographical. Not like writers don't do that shamelessly, but I need a little bit of distance from things before I can write about them, and ultimately, fictionalize them.
"The Hunger Years" would be about an idealistic girl who just graduated college and has no clue how her life is supposed to be. She feels a strong calling to go back to her hometown, but when she gets there, she starts to experience a deep spiritual hunger which she finds herself incapable to feed. More summary to come later.
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