a hard knock life: part 2- burritoes

You thought I rabbit trailed from the burritoes right? Noooo. OK, so part of my temp tooth fell out today. If you think that's gross-- deal with it. People lose teeth. It happens. I am getting a crown done on 8am on Monday morning. Not too happy about that one.

As I mentioned, I have been craving veggie burritoes for DAYS. The only places I know of in the area to get these are Chipotle and Moe's. Traditional mexican restaurants refuse to have them.

At Plaza Azteca, a college favorite right next to CNU in Newport News, they had a vegetarian section of the menu. The choices were not filling. The choices included just one of each item- like a spinach chalupa or a bean enchilada. Very bland because they no variance. Don't get me wrong-- the rest of their selection is pretty good, and flavorful. They have good margheritas, too. But their vegetarian food is not favorable-- and I find this true at most mexican restaurants aside from places designed to be a burrito bar.

If I were to ever own my dream cafe, it would also somehow include a burrito bar. I love them so. But alas, I don't like Moe's and the closest Chipotle is in Sterling. Portland, Oregon has amazing, tiny hole-in-wall burrito bars. They are the absolute best. I want more of these in Northern VA, but alas due to the monopoly of chains in this region, it does not happen outside of DC/Arlington area. Dang 'burbs.

These burritoes are huge, and I put a lot of stuff in them. The sudden collaspe of my fake tooth today, placed but a small damper on appeasing my passion, my desire, my want for a legitamately good veggie burrito.

But I still strive forward!! Eat smaller bites, chew on one side of my mouth, do whatever it takes to consume good food.

Last night I made my food and this time you even have pictures to enjoy!

I will list what I put in my burrito and what I did for each item.

1) Boil up some rice. It takes about 25 minutes. I used some sorta name brand Mexican rice that is organic, gluten-free, and has no trans-fats. Here's a picture of the kind I used:

2)While that's going on, start chopping veggies. Chop some graffiti eggplant, salt it, and throw it in a greased baking pan, in the same pan, add some red pepper, vidalia onions, scallions, zucchini, and cut 1/2 a jalepeno real fine. Throw some good taco seasoning on top( key: look at back of package for ingredients and see if you recognize mostly everything). Add some cumin and black pepper. Drizzle lightly with olive oil. Place in oven for 15 minutes on 425.

3) Guacamole time. Take two very ripe avocados, peel them, and mash them around. Add a drizzle of lemon juice, 2 cloves of crushed garlic, a diced roma tomato, some scallions and chopped cilantro, a few chopped leaves of basil, a tiny bit of jalepenos to taste, and a spoonful of dairy-free sour cream (not necessary but yummy)! Mash together!!

4) Corn and Bean Salsa: I actually started with the cold bean salad I made, which dwindled down to a little bit of black beans, red beans and corn. I added half a can of more corn, and chopped 4 roma tomatoes real small. Added barely a quarter of a red pepper, half a jalenpeno, cilantro, scallions, two cloves of crushed garlic, some cumin and black pepper. A squirt of lemon juice.

Some other key components to have on handy:
very good lettuce
sour cream (in this case, dairy-free variety)
refried beans (at my parents' house my dad puts it on the stove under a low heat, adds a little bit of water and sprinkles cheese on the top)

I toyed with the idea of buying a fake mexican cheese, vegan style. But quite frankly, the idea just grossed me out.

With these flavorful toppings, I ate two vibrantly amazing burritoes today. And it's only 7.

And it's so harrrd to resist eating big bites of the burrito-- to get the taste of everything at once!

I lead a hard life. part 1- Bagels!

For days I have been thinking about burritoes. It has begun to possess my mind. I could hardly work out yesterday at the gym. All I wanted to do was go to Wegman's and cook lunch for today immediately.

I spend way too much money on fresh veggies and fruit. Which is why I normally only buy them if I am planning to make something.

But, also in my hunger, I bought bagels. I bought around 7 and this is difficult to confess, but, every time I shop at Wegman's and I buy bread, I start eating it as soon as I get to the car. I will sit there, in the parking lot, for several minutes, ripping the bread and chewing it viciously. This must be quite the sight for any incidental passerbys.

Well, last night, I could not even wait to get into the car. The store clerk tied the bag my bagels were in to keep my healthier rice cakes from falling out. I tear the bag open, and find the most appealling bagel and I eat it as I am loading my groceries.

And then, contact! A Wegman's employee, boy, who looked to be about 20, comes from nowhere and asks in a deep, thick country accent "Can I take yer cart?"

My mouth is full of bagel. I finish chewing. "Excuse me. Sorry, I just wanted to eat my bagel."

"Do you want me to help you finish loading your groceries?"

"Yes, yes. That'd be great."

He helps me load the rest, and he walks away. Bagel still in my hand.

I brought them proudly into work today, but since I knew I did not have enough to go around, I ripped them in quarters. Just as Jesus fed the 5000, I feed my hungry co-workers through the breaking of bread.

Ashley walks out to grab a bagel and finds the whole scene hilarious, especially as I have replaced my bagel with a banana, because part of my temp tooth fell out. Yes, I had to get a root canal done back in June because a huge part of one of my front teeth fell out. From a piece of interestingly shaped pasta.

an overheated, sleep-deprived vegan

This week has been different. I decided to be as adventurous as possible before my second job starts off for the school year. It has also been HOT. 95 degrees everyday. I've been drinking black coffee, water and a little bit of organic apple juice and that has gotten me by.

On Monday, I decided to go to Crystal City to watch Star Trek on a big screen on the grass. I don't like sci-fi. I slept almost the whole way through. I really did try to like it and paid attention at the beginning. But then it got too long, boring and hokey. But Bekah was the only one who stayed awake or stayed the whole time of our group. Sherwin kept asking me why I was there (knowing my hatred for sci-fi) but he fell asleep, too.

It was interesting to observe all the food present at the event. There was a breakfast burrito truck parked there, I saw people with food from Noodles and Co (blegh) There was beer, there was brownies. Everywhere you looked, a different food culture. A couple in front of us drank this deliciously fruity looking alcoholic drink out of wine glasses they brought. They had a whole picnic packed. So did Sherwin and Bekah, but none was Janelle-friendly food and I brought my dinner anyway. Bekah made me try her potato salad. I hate mayo and I hate potato salad, and it's not vegan, but out of my hospitalitarianism, I tried a bit. Surprisingly good, but wouldn't eat the whole thing.

In their picnic basket there was packed two bottles of (very hot) hot sauce and a whole big thing of red pepper. This is the distinguishing facet of these two-- they bring the hottness with them, whereever they may go.

I brought veggie fried rice with tofu which I bought at Pan Thai, a thai restaurant in Leesburg which is actually located in a Liberty gas station. I get gas for my car there often, but hardly step into the place. They advertise at the stations "fried rice for $5.99," but when I ordered my veggie fried rice with no egg but tofu, it came out to around $10. Humph. Did not make a big deal of it because there must be more to the veggie variety than a regular 5.99 thing.

Before I ordered my rice, I saw a well-dressed professional man in a cruddy looking white car (which I won't judge. Better that than a super fancy car) accidentally started driving off with the gas nozzle still in his car's tank, ripping off the nozzle. I have never seen such an event at the gas station before and was amazed. He rushed into the convenience store and grabbed cute gas attendent boy, and I saw cute gas attendent boy come out to see, as I was walking to get thai. I ordered my food, which was gonna take 5-10 minutes and meandered my way into the convenience store part of the station which connects directly.

I did not have a real reason to go in there.

Since when has a convenience store had vegan friendly items anyway?

I gandered at the granola bars, not seeing anything which caught my attention (aside from the fact I was shortly eating).  But then I grabbed a huge bottle of Dasani water. I hate bottled water, but since the loss of my reuseable water bottle, I had gone back to the bad, old ways.

Cute gas attendent boy greeted me in his usual personable way. And I asked about the guy ripping the nozzle off. "I'm just glad this guy told me," he said. "How often does this happen?" I inquire. "About 4-5 times a month." I mention as I leave that someday I'll probably be stupid enough to do that too, and he laughed as I walked away to wait for my food. I felt glad that I was wearing heels.

I find it odd to explain my dietary pursuits to strangers when I'm out in public. Besides being odd, it's a long-winded answer normally. I used the gas station exit as I left with my food, cause with the heat, it was closer to my car. Cute gas attendent boy smiled at me lazily and inquired about my food. "You got fried rice?! It's very good. The chicken fried rice is awesome."

"I got the veggie fried rice-- I-- um, am vegan-- temporarily."

"Still good!" He asserted.

That was the most concise response I could think of because it was temporary. In about an hour I'd be eating a bite of Bekah's mayo infested potato salad. As much as I would be conversational with this kid, I am sure he doesn't want my life story of food spoken before him. Or maybe he does. Maybe he's the type who is personable because he likes to hear peoples' histories and peoples' stories.

That's why I like working at a coffee shop.

Even if we have an automatic machine instead of manual and serve only kind sub-par but better than Starbucks coffee.

This brings me to this week's second adventure. Last minute, I decided to join some kids to see mewithoutYou play with murder by death and buried beds in Baltimore. We did not get back until 2am. Good thing, I had a crappy cup of coffee to hold me over that night.

My fellow vegan friend, and "holy crap, knows a whole lot about coffee" friend Matt, gave me some of his coffee before we left. He used this super cool but very basic coffee equipment that I had never seen before. It looked like a vase, and you place a filter in, somewhat fine grinds, and slowly, slowly do a pourover of hot water. What comes out is supposed to be very good but Matt feared he made it a little strong, which it was. I was thoroughly enjoying the fact that the biggest coffee snob I know gave me a subpar cup of coffee. Which made me feel better when I was confessing the fact that I sometimes like caramel macchiatos and that my coffee shop is only subpar (which he already brought up).

For food, I brought a very quick, and cold vegan meal to hold me over for the concert. Concerts are interesting because you stand up the whole time and sweat pounds off of you to see a hopefully stellar show. Sometimes when I eat before shows, I feel extremely ill before or after. The worse was maybe 5 years ago when Nathan Mitchell offered me hot dogs before we all left to go see Lovedrug play.

My COLD bean salad did not make me feel ill. I'll quickly share how it was made.
Take already refigerated black and red beans, mix in drained canned corn.
Chop a plum tomato, a piece of zucchini, cilantro and a few leaves of basil. Mix in some coconut oil and garlic powder, and you got yourself a quick, no stove, no oven, efficient for hot days, salad!

The great thing, is I still have some left. So because I am so sleep-deprived, and hot and will only sit in my AC infused room for the next two hours, I am eating some now. Bon Appetit!

a bewildered brother

When I first became a vegetarian 4 years ago, it was a shock to all of my immediate family. They simply could not understand how an Italian-American girl they raised could so quickly dismiss meat from her life altogether.

Today was the first day I came home as a hospivegan. I came home to hang out with my brother Justin while my parents were out on a boat all day. He's a quadripalegic, so I was there to make sure all his needs were met--including being fed.

If Justin kept up with my facebook, he would have figured things out before I came. There was no big phone call to my fam announcing my veganism. But I thought they stalked me enough...however lots has been happening for them lately, so my eating habits was the furthest thing from their minds.

Normally when I come over while my parents are not home, we either order Chinese or get pizza from the greatest local pizza chain, Tony's. This was a compromise, because I could get something vegetarian and Justin would still get something he liked.

Justin: So, you want to order Chinese?
(I wrinkle my nose.)
Me: Eww...transfats and MSG's.
Justin: What about Tony's?
Me: Oh, I can't. I cut off dairy. And I would let it slide, but I just cheated last night. And if I cheat again, I know I will feel awful.
Justin: WHAAAATT now you don't even eat cheese? WHAT DO YOU EAT?

So picking food was not the only problem, but Justin thought my health reasons excuse was hogwash. He thought the real reason I was vegan was ethics. That I would no longer touch any more animal products. I tried to explain to him that I was feeling a little ill, and wanted to give veganism a try out, but he said I should see a doctor, and that this was all a front  to make it seem I wasn't in Camp PETA.

Annnd I am not. We finally settled on me cooking dinner. I explained to him that being vegan made eating out 10 times harder and I trust the food I cook better anyway.

He wanted chicken and rice...which could have many varieties. We finally settled on Fiesta Rice, which he pulled from the Uncle Ben's website. I demanded a recipe but I did not follow it of course.

My brother is awesome. He is also particular about his food. I chopped up a tiny bit of garlic and a tiny bit of basil to put in, and immediately he accused me of not making a mexican meal. He also wanted the chicken marinated and baked and with no veggies touching the rice. When I put his plate together, I also had to make sure no veggies were put on his plate at all with the chicken.

We are polar opposites when it comes to food. He hates veggies. I am not in love with meat. I love veggies and can eat them at any time.

The marinade was kinnnnnda amazing.
In a skillet with olive oil, I quickly fried a tad bit of garlic, basil/parsely, LOTS of cilantro and green onions, vidalia onions and green peppers. I added lots of jalepenos, red pepper and black pepper. I poured small amounts of sea salt on the chicken with chili powder and cumin. Three tablespoons of Hot Pace Picante salsa (Justin's fave). Then I threw the veggies all on top and added some bigger cuts of green peppers and tomatoes.

I don't remember how long I baked it in the oven. I am not used to cooking meat, and at a certain time I tested it, and it seemed good. I used very fine boneless chicken breasts- Perdue was my brother's request. I do not like perdue and would rather buy free-range, local chicken but I did not have the time to do that and Giant has none of that (DANIELLLLL). But I did read on the label that it's all-natural and hormone-free, now.

The rice was Goya mexican rice in chicken flavor. Justin was also very particular about not buying healthy rice, like long grain brown rice....mmmmmm. He wanted the rice to correspond though to the meal, and not just be Uncle Ben's generic white rice.

After I put most of the marinade on the chicken, I saved some of it in the skillet, and poured some rice, black beans and red beans on top. My very easy vegan alternate. So I could enjoy my vegan, veggie-filled meal and my brother could enjoy his meal.

But being a hospivegan, I did taste some of the chicken, for my benefit and to test it out. It was OK, loved the flavor, but would have been so much better if it were local.

My brother may not believe my motives, but we did have a great compromise dinner together which required absolutely no dairy on my side. My brother eat his meal with sour cream, which he said brought a nice, cooling sensation to the spices. I am sure the sour cream balanced everything out nicely. MMMMM... I love sour cream...

I. LOVE. SOUR. CREAM.

Next time when I don't consume literally two sticks of butter the night before. I promise you sour cream, we will have our day.

a torrid love affair. with butter.

Summer evening sky. Sun completely set but it's only twilight. I drive into my neighborhood where I see guys around my age completing the decorations of their close friends' car. I live down the street from a wedding hall. I think fond memories of just a few weeks ago. I pull into the same parking lot the festive car decorating takes place, and I probably seem insane to the wedding goers who are passing by.

I can't wipe a smile off my face. It's as if I had met the love of life, and kept swooning at how amazing he made me feel.

Even though this story involves a smooth talking French (or just French-acting) waiter, there are no love bird connections with men to report.

Why are my eyes glazed over and I am smiling like a half-giddy childlike kid in love?

Butter.

Smmooooth, light but rich, sweeeet but salty, infused with garlic, butter.

Yes, yes. I know. It's forbidden. But sometimes those forbidden things in life come around at you, and make you feel like a person. Raw and beautiful and earthy.

It may seem like an overreaction. But sometimes food experiences can really make you feel alive. Really enjoy life as you thank the God on high for creating such things as butter and French cuisine.

Food can often be translated into romantic and spiritual aspects of our lives. Food is love. Eating food is the communion. And a mere reflection of the communion of the Lord's feast prepared for his bridegroom.

Food is love. I cannot convey this enough.

I am feeling slightly sick, maybe my stomach is turning a little bit.

But THIS. It was completely worth it.

Food and other things can do different things to people. Although they are enjoyable, they can have harmful effects. There are two situations can be in:

--Live the ascetic life. Deny the indulgence of butter. Go on not knowing any better. Not knowing how good, how true, how pure, butter can taste. Some people would rather keep safe, would rather do no harm than to eat the butter.

--Eat it. And eat it with love. Inahle it all down within 5 minutes. When you start feeling the pains, you muse with a smile on your face, "It was sooo worth it." I may be suffering now. But the enjoyment of the food paid the price for the suffering. I may be vomiting all day. But it's OK.

I have been trying very down the path of the first one, but my passions led me elsewhere today.

After a work trip Ashley and I wanted to do some more adventuring. So we drove to Winchester to see what stores there were in their historic district and drink down some espressso. We were gonna go to some clothing stores for the tax-free holiday, but the mall in Winchester was utterly pathetic. It looked worse from the outside than the Manassas Mall. We did not want to go there. I ended up driving us down rt 50, headed toward Middleburg. The way down we watched the rolling hills of perfectly maintained farms and sprawling trees lining the highway. When we reached town, we walked around, ran into friends who just got engaged (and heard the news and squealed in delight as we congratulated them), and walked out of a restaurant which was busy, not paying attention to us, and didn't quite have the fare we were seeking.

We went to Julien's, a little French restaurant. I knew going in, I had to put aside my veganism.

Afterall, I couldn't forget the 4 French ingreds, butter, butter, butter...cheese. We were welcomed in very gingely and had pick of almost the whole restaurant to sit down. It wasn't big, but very quaintly decorated with wine bottles, French art posters, and tin cooking pots which danced on the walls.

Even though I took three years of French in high school, I had very little idea what anything was, save the french onion soup. I recognized what mussels were but not the whole title "mussels something blah blah." The waiter repeated every item I asked him about, in this cool, sexy French which I wasn't sure was real or not. He seemed very full of himself, but I was absolutely entranced when he described each item to me. "Blah blah blah, I am not very handsome but hot when I talk like this, blah blah blah, it is dressed in a garlic butter." Yes, please. Garlic and butter go quite well.

I ordered the mussels blah blah avec frites. Ashley ordered a pasta alfredo.

I was astonished and slightly overwhelmed at the huge bowl of mussels which returned to me. Each in their shell. Swimming in a bowl of garlic infused buttered oil from the mussels.

I felt this sense earthiness as I bit at each mussel in it's shell, and then slurped the remaining garlic butter. It was but a kinda sensual experience. The butter so warm. I dipped my fries in there, as well. Each bite was beautiful. I savored it all as I slowly drank my red wine. Ashley also shared some of her alfredo and I mixed a few of my mussels in there.

Beauty.

I never underestood French cooking. I understood bread and cheese but why all these weird creatures and ALL the butter? How does that create cuisine that is real, earthy and not pretentious?

Eating food can be a transformative process. It alter your mood for the best or for the worst...it set a deep appreciation in your heart. It can invigorate you. Empassion you. Or even anger you. All via "Like Water for Chocolate." Food can open up your heart and your mind.

But it's been awhile since that has happened. My food life, is not centered around the table but is on the go. It's granola bars and soy yogurt, and the occassional pleasant fruit.

I ate several hours ago and I am still grinning ear to ear.

In a little bit of pain.

But it was worth it.

Party time! Excellent!

It's true. It's the over-consumption of dairy at office parties which made go dairy-free-- a hospvegan.

It happened two weeks ago. An all-company breakfast in the morning, a good-bye party in the afternoon. Between these two events, I ate:

a plate full of eggs
yogurt
pizza bites
garlic bread (with a rich garlic butter)
ice cream cake
cheese cake

All in one day. I nearly keeled over and died. Now I realize this was extreme reaction since I obviously ate too much dairy in one day, but after that I was sick for a whole week and had to do something to cleanse myself.

Today is goodbye party #2. For a colleague and friend I dearly love and will miss. Aubrey is the best, and she was the most organized co-worker I have ever had. Already, I find myself dying from our celebration. Ashley and I bought her a big bouquet of yellow and white daisies, an orange gerber daisy and other pretties.

It's making me sneeze, a lot.

For the party today, I made bruschetta and guacamole. Completely vegan, but still friendly to the general populace.

But I had a brilliant, non-vegan friendly idea:

strawberry shortcake.

I scoured all of Giant last night for some non-dairy whipped cream, begging and pleading the Lord God Almighty.

It was not in existence. Should have went to Wegman's (sorry, Daniel*).

We also got ice cream. But foreknowing, I bought coconut milk cookies and cream ice cream for myself and other non-dairy or non-egg office cohorts

Non-dairy and the assumption that we are all becoming lactose-intolerant is becoming a trend. One of my co-workers just experienced some sort of food poisoning and what gets the blame? Dairy. And rightfully so.

I was talking to Aubrey about how the dairy we consume is not healthy for our bodies and creating a lactose-intolerant culture. We should be drinking raw milk and eating raw cheese.

me: I simply cannot afford it.
Aubrey: yeah
you need a goat
they eat alot
me: hahaha!!
maybe i will keep one in my aparement's yard
and milk it

We imagined what it would be like if I actually did keep a goat in the yard and I tried to milk it. I might write a short story out of imagining such an event.

"OH, come now, little goat. Hold still. WHY WON'T YOU HOLD STILL, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD?!"

But anyway, MMMMM...Thank you Purely Decadent for providing delicious vegan happy ice cream.

So ice cream is set, but will I treat myself to the full strawberry shortcake experience? Will I just eat a couple strawberries instead?

To be Continued...

*Daniel is my older brother who is a Giant manager. He always gets sad when anyone in the family chooses to go to Wegman's or Trader Joe's (or, OMG, Bloom!)

identity crisis

I am not into hoighty toighty ingredients. I am not into tofu. I have tried to be into it, but have not jumped aboard yet. I am not into fake meat (tastes like dog food). And I am not into gourmet.

I am into using the same ingredients/veggies (and the like)that I grew up with and then maybe adding the rice pasta to the mix in place of egg-infested pasta.
And I did discover veganaise because of my love of dairy in guacomole way back in February.

I am not rich. I am not gonna buy ingredients which I don't think I will use again. I am into adding ingredients to my palate, but that takes time and sharing spices with your roommates.

For example, I never used to use coconut milk. Now, it's becoming a staple in my kitchen.

I did not know what to make for dinner tonight, or for a special work event tomorrow.

So I took inventory of my food (not counting spices):
Fresh basil, frozen cilantro, 3/4 vidalia onion, 1 green pepper, two vine tomatoes, blueberries, soy yogurt, garlic, artichoke pasta, rice, lentils, rice noodles, black beans, chick peas, coconut milk, three avocados, veggie broth, lemon juice, veganaise

Then I googled a recipe with an idea in mind. Keywords: coconut, rice, chickpeas, vegan.

This was one of the first items to pop up in my search.

Looks yummy, right? But I don't cook Indian food enough to have all these ingreds. I am Italian, and as un-authentic as it may be sometimes I have to incorporate ingreds of two cultures when I cook. Of course, many cultures share ingredients, so this is not tooo weird.

The Rice
Easiest part. I have absolutely everything I need for this. I am AWFUL at cooking rice, and it seems so easy, right? But every time I attempt it always come out wrong. This time was the BEST so far. Though it was slightly overcooked, it was infused with coconut milk GOODNESS. It reminded me of coconut sticky rice, but not sticky. So sweet and savory.

Curried Paste and Chick peas

I looked at the recipe for curried paste. I looked at the chick peas. I thought it was useless expanse of time for me to do them seperately, so I did them together.

First I mixed unmeasured quantities of these into a bowl:
a scoop of salsa (yes, the mexican kind)
two chopped tomatoes, mashed
soy sauce
red curry powder
cayenne pepper
crushed red pepper
black madra pepper
lemon juice
ginger (also wanted to use coriander but there was none)
dried cilantro
agave sweetener (yes, i did use a little bit)

Then, I chopped up onions and green peppers very finely (as much as my laziness would allow) and threw them into a frying pan with canola oil and a few drops of rice vinegar. I added the chickpeas. Added the mixture (especially all the juice from it, and left some of the tomatoes in the bowl for guacamole). Crushed three cloves of garlic and tossed in some basil and cilantro. Finally added some veggie broth. I let this cook for awhile, trying to figure out what I could add to to it, which would thicken it like a paste...

paste...tomato paste!

The trusty Italian in me always has tomato paste even when I don't account it in my inventory. I added a whole 4 oz. can. It made it have a confusing taste...like it was having identity issues. Part Indian, part Italian...what to do?!

Add more red curry and ginger!!!!!



What came out as product was certainly not an authentic Indian dish, but I used ingredients straight from my kitchen without having to go to the Indian section of Wegman's!

On to making the guacamole!

To Dr. Schwarze

I have to admit, I was quite the slacker my first half of college. Fall of my sophomore year, I had Dr. Tracy Schwarze for English 208 (Reading Lit), and I often came into class forgetting to read the syllabus. We did read extremely interesting books and I did eventually get to all of them within our course.

She administered great grace upon us, and lead us in rather fascinating classroom discussions. She was what a great professor should be -- a facilitator. Every here and there she would insert her knowledge and her vast love for the topics we were covering.

To be honest, it was because of her classes that I realized I wanted to be an English major. I was a procrastinator and spent most of my semesters not knowing what I'd write on-- but when ideas came to me, she encouraged them and widened the scope further for me. She introduced me to genres of literature that today I love the most. Later on in college, she even taught me a deeper appreciation for all things James Joyce.

Though I was not the most dependable student, I remember the papers I wrote for her well. And even more so, the encouragement she gave me to go deeper into the subject. When ever we dived into different literary works, it was as if we were jumping into the depths of humanity-- of our depravity, of our goodness, celebrations and mourning. We were scaling over writers who were submerged in exploring our hearts and our souls. She was very thoughtful about all of them-- and gave me a lot to dwell on.

I never thought much of my papers. I rushed through the drafts and didn't think they were very good. But she saw what was good in them. I became a writing major, but before that was declared, she identified my gifting and made it known to me. It wasn't that I didn't know I was good. My fourth grade teacher identified this, too. As did my parents. But there's something about when you're in college, and suddenly you're not the best, that it needs to be re-affirmed.

Honestly, a lot of my classmates talked about how hard she was and while I did not get straight A's on my papers, I thought she administered a lot of grace. She challenged me to strive further out of my underclassman laziness but gave me significant feedback to cause me to thrive.

She's one big reason I became an English major.

She passed away on Sunday after battling with cancer (I had no idea), and I am sad to see her go. I won't be able to make it to her Memorial at CNU on Saturday since I will be in NJ, but my thoughts and prayers are with her family and the CNU community, particularly the English Department.

Rest in Peace, Dr. Schwarze. You truly exemplified the qualities of a great professor.

vegan win: Bridge of Death

On my last post, I detailed in on my failings as a vegan, particularly when caramel, chocolate and half & half play in. Now I want to redeem myself by discussing my vegan wins.

Part 1:

Friday night was my first improv comedy show. This summer, I took a beginners class which was lots of fun at the Tally Ho in Leesburg. That night, we were opening for Last Ham Standing, a local improv group a la "Whose Line is it Anyway?"

I was thrilled when Bekah and Sherwin told me they were coming, so I excitedly prepared a meal. I was influenced by this eggplant rollatini which Ashley sent me at work musing that it would be better with cheese.

The local eggplant I bought at Giant (yes, all the grocery stores have been promoting local produce) was not quite big enough for this recipe. I also did not have pine nuts. I whole-heartedly disapprove of using pre-cooked tomato sauce for anything, so I knew I had to put my own spin on this recipe.

1) I made the couscous. I used veggie broth for the water, and I also added gluten-free bread crumbs. Sounds odd, but I did this to make the couscous even more of a glue. Couscous is always super easy. Boil the broth, then let the couscous run its course in a lidded pot for 5 minutes.
2)I made the sauce. Very simple, starting with olive oil in a small pot or skillet, throw in crushed or chopped garlic (I was in a rush, so I crushed it), chopped vidalia onions. I chopped two vine tomatoes (I like roma but these were the ripest ones I found at the store) and threw them in. Chopped some zucchini and then threw in fresh basil and cilantro. For spices I added ginger, red curry powder, red pepper and black pepper.
3) At the same time, I started the eggplant. First I salted it. Then, I threw it in a skillet with olive oil, garlic and vidalia onions. I did not cook them all the way through.
4) I crushed some Stacy's pita chips in a bowl.

Now for the casserole making. I am not big on casseroles. The closet I usually get to this is lasagna (mmmmm).

1)Using a smaller baking pan, I laid out a layer of eggplant. Due to my lack of eggplant I created space in between them in the pan.
2) Smother the eggplant with couscous and fill in the gaps with crushed pita chips.
3) Add the zucchini tomato sauce on top.
4)Repeat the layers until you run out. I made 3 or 4 layers.
5) Bake under 350 for 25 minutes. Broil the last 5 minutes. and Voila.

Bekah, Sherwin and I came back from the show at 10. We were starving, and I still had to bake the casserole. But our hunger was rewarded. Sherwin was amazed that he was eating something vegan that was good. The spices lived up to Sherwin and Bekah's spicy food requirements.

I told Bekah to name the dish and she called it "Bridge of Death," named after this quirky situation I got into when playing the game Columns at the Improv show.

So, please make Bridge of Death for all your friends when they come over.

Don't forget the apple cider vinegar to keep handy in your kitchen. I am not sure why, but Sherwin thought that would be a good addition.

Bekah: "Ewww, why do you smell like vinegar?"

my cheating heart

Friday was National Cheescake Day. We talked about it all week at work, and no one ended up bringing one in, which was odd because cheesecake is an office fave around there. Instead, our resident pastry chef brought in my FAVORITE goodies that she makes for the Wine Kitchen. No doubt about it, Rebekah Pizana is gifted.

When I saw these set up on one of the front tables, I literally wailed. I was so upset. All this pastry goodness. And I already cheated that day.

When I was at Market Street, I bought my iced americano with caramel drizzled allll over the cup. The caramel's not vegan.

I managed perfectly discipline for most of the day, especially because I was distracted by pictures from BFF's wedding on Sam Hurd's website.

But then eventually, I caved in and took a chocolate cake ball-- my absolute favorite. So rich. So moist.

I took it when no one was watching. Though I did confess my sins later.

On Saturday, I worked at a wedding. I poured people drinks (coke, water, drip coffee): very complicated business. At one point, an elderly man ordered a coffee which I percieved he said "half regular, half decaf and half n' half." Confusing, eh. Turns out he did not want the cream, but was just repeating himself. I set the coffee aside because I hate throwing things away, and drank some forgetting it half n' half. I love half & half with a greater affection than I will probably love my sunflower garden whenever I plant it. It's going to be so hard to be rid of it. Especially since soy looks so miserable in coffee-- it curdles-- grr-oss!! At the store, I can buy coconut milk, almond milk, soy creamer, but most coffee shops just have soy milk and this is a great tragedy.

But I regress...

Another thing to note why I don't like working a wedding, is everyone eating in front of you while you yourself cannot eat. Nor do you have any place you steal away to, to grab a quick bite. You are stuck to your station, foodless and watching everyone eat. By the time things were over, I was ravenous. And the only thing sitting out still was the chocolate wedding cake. Much more moist and complex than most wedding cakes I've had.

Dairy fail.

Days 1 and 2 (and a half)

Yesterday was when it started. I hung out with my best friend Bekah and her new hubbie, Sherwin at his old house and they said they saw my facebook status and were talking about it all day.

Because Sherwin's response went like this: "Janelle, is there any food we can offer you? We have milk, lots of cheese, and eggs! Would you please accept our hospitality?"

What a jerk.

So, we ate pasta (gluten-free, egg-free) with home made sauce. Part of the sauce was leftover from meat sauce my parents gave me the other night when they had me over for dinner. We had that, sauteed some garlic, onions and eggplant to throw in there along with some fresh basil. MMMM. And there was our vegan/hospitalitarian dinner. If you don't understand how it goes, maybe you will begin to after you read the last blog and follow the other ones.

If you do understand, and are a single, attractive, Christ-seeking man, please marry me.

I kid, I kid.

But, really.

They offered me a cherry coke zero. Which I was excited by until Sherwin drank mine. But I realized it may have refined sugar and other stuff in it which isn't vegan. But Sherwin pointed out since it was coke zero, that it wouldn't. Bekah agreed, but noted it would have other stuff. I have decided to be safe, to stay away from soda.

I have discovered from this visit, that I need to set some ground rules. So here goes:

1) It's not what you do first, it's what you do next.

I find that I am truly oblivious to what's vegan and not vegan even though I have considered myself somewhat of a foodie in the past. I am becoming aware of my ignorance all over again.

So what do I do if in my oblivion, I eat something (that I buy) that isn't vegan? I don't cry on the floor kicking. I research it, learn from it and move on.

Yesterday I had an egg roll at lunch. I know what you are thinking- an EGG roll--how obvious. Well truthfully, I wasn't thinking about it's name, but was INSIDE it. Later when I realized my falter, I made my co-worker Ashley laugh harder than ever before

2) Do not be legalistic, especially when people offer me food. Especially dessert.

Friday is National Cheesecake Day. It really is. I knew this yesterday when I decided to do this diet, and still persisted on. Why didn't I wait until this day was over?

Ashley keeps asking me, "What if I made cheesecake? All that time and effort I poured into it? Would you refuse it?"

I love cheesecake. Is this something I should always deny even when offered out of hospitality? Even vegans take their falls sometimes. And you know what, there's nothing wrong with that. As long as you don't break out into hives.

I can choose to eat it, in slow, deliberate moderation. It's not something I will seek after, but if someone makes something that's beautiful and delicious, who am I to reject its intrinsic beauty?

My theory that I am lactose-intolerant could very well be a gross overreaction, to a stomach cramp thing that's going around. Although I do want to cleanse system of dairy foods, for health reasons. But I am not going to die from dairy.

My choice to abstain from dairy is a choice. Not a doctor's mandate. Even so, many doctors also over-react and over-diagnose. We need to be wise sometimes and make our own decisions based on how we know our bodies and with a little bit of careful research.

And here's what I have ate so far yesterday (since my swearing off) and today. If I fell, due to ignorance, please let me know.

Monday
fried rice with black beans and chick peas
zucchini
egg roll
blackberries and granola
a chocolate peppermint Luna bar
a rice cake
bread and tomato sauce
gluten free, egg free pasta and tomato sauce

Tuesday
coffee with coconut milk as creamer
a rice cake
bread and tomato sauce
green beans (sprayed with olive oil and balsamic vinegar)
black bean salad (black beans, corn, red peppers, lettuce, cucumbers, other veggies)
potatoes


And of course, water has been my beverage of choice (I have also given up on bottled water, but left my re-usable water bottle at Sherwin's house. I don't know how I will work out tonight without it! :( )

More ground rules as I go. This is a work in progress.

I have been craving Ashley's M&Ms alll day.

Here's to holding strong (I think!).

on being a vegan hospitalitarian: a values vs. health dilemma?

Is this a complete contradiction?

I almost feel like it is.

Brief history: Around 4 years ago, in Portland, Oregon, I became a vegetarian. This is because I learned more about the meat industry in America and was sickened by its lack of ethics. However, I did not stop eating dairy or eggs and other animal-based products. I would try my best to buy these products organic or free-range, but at the time, I did not deem it reasonable to go vegan.

3 years ago, I was preparing to go to Kenya for a 7 week long missions trip. Prior to the trip, I was involved in a program called Students Training in Missions, which trains you to enter cross-cultural situations. One weekend, we had a meat-based meal, and I was going to opt to eating PB&J, but one of my leaders sat me aside and explained to me that it's offensive to go into other cultures and refuse their food.

That struck a chord in me, and one thing that remained fresh that year was when I went to peoples' houses (at home) and would explain I am vegetarian. If they were not prepared, they were either sorry or kinda ticked off. I realized that food preferences draw up boundaries-- so knowing that I want to live a missional life, I chose people over animal ethics in those situations. I want to love people and care for creation-- becoming a hospitalitarian seemed like the best way.

Hospitalitarianism. I made up that word, and it is a conversation piece whereever I go. It simply means I do not buy my own meat-- but I eat it at peoples' houses, church events and other things of the like. So on my own time, I am still a vegetarian.

But recently, I have had health concerns. And really, it's been going on for awhile. When I was in Kenya, tea was served at all times a day. It was Kenyan chai- a milk based tea, made with boiled whole milk, water and loose tea leaves. It was very good, but I started getting sick everytime I drank it. I had to start to turn it down, or drink it very slowly, and not move afterwards.

I have been getting sick lately, and whenever I do get sick, too much dairy has seemed to be a part of it. But even yesterday, when I just had a little bit of half & half in my Americano I started feeling bad.

Am I lactose-intolerant? I don't know. I need to see a doctor to find out. But I think I could at least have a mild intolerance to dairy.

So right now, I am starting an experiment. Go mostly vegan and see if that has an impact. Mostly vegan, because I am still hospitalitarian. So it would work, in theory, like eating vegetarian when I am on my own.

But I have health issues to work out. If I go over to someone's house and they cook baked ziti, topped off with cheesecake for dessert, I know I will miserable afterwards. So what do I do in these scenarios? Explain to people that although I can still eat meat when I am with them, I can't eat as much dairy?

Telling people I am a vegan hospitalitarian will throw them all off-- because this implies that I don't eat any animal products. And while I won't eat animal products on my own time and money, what do I do when I visit people?

Like if someone offers me a pepsi? That one's easier. "I'll just drink water." But in some cultures, if someone offers you a pepsi, you need to drink the pepsi.

I am toying around with not calling myself vegan at all, but maybe being a dairy-free hospitalitarian. This will be slightly less confusing, however does not provide for more polite manners around the dinner table.

Personal health is a very important thing to consider, but so are the relationships built around the dinner table. People tell me that in this culture, it's ok to be vegetarian or vegan as long as you tell your hosts ahead of time, but still that requires the host to have to make extra preparations for you and spend more money possibly to offer two versions of the same meal. It works for some people, and I certainly understand those who do have more serious health problems.

I just hope I never become gluten-intolerant. :/

my bike poem

it's been a long time

i wrote a poem tonight based on a current event in my life. it's just a draft with no inhibitions, so don't judge too hard. if anything feedback to make it better.

love song for a bicycle

you were the first grown up
i owned
at age 21, you fit me just right
your adjustable height,
the way my arms went
from my chest
to the handles
you were the perfect grip
a perfect college day
riding you down by the river
through to the line to the throne
leading a friend along
the breeze is perfect
as the pace is high
blowing through my hair
as i seize toward the wind
and find myself in your arms
my own mercy seat
my refuge, my peaceful dwelling
you were tthese hings-
and shiny, and green,
you had a name
unlike any non living
object i ever owned

you were my friend
you comforted when
things began to change
back then my only friend for miles
a summer evening, along
suburban backroads
you guided me and taught me freedom
in a restraining place
the breeze swept intimately
through my bones
as i discovered
each neighborhood ended
with a couldesack

but then life wore on
and we spoke a little less
two jobs, no money
you collected dust in my garage
dormant, and with rusting chains

i got you fixed this year
after i moved
and i felt free again
bur still two jobs, and though
a more viewer friendly locale,
you went ignored

but we had few good times
riding through trails crowned
with dandelions and other weeds

you were in my office storage room
covered with things, but
i rescued you from that existence
and loaded you into my suv
so i could ride you
anytime.
anywhere.

just drive somewhere and ride.
that was my dream. just when my second job
is ending, i can take you for a spin.

it was my last week and
anticipation was built
you were in my car
as i drove to wegman’s
you were in my car
when i drove home

my car looked emptied the next day
something was not right
it wasn’t until the middle of the day
i realized
you were gone


it’s doubtful i cried this much
for any person as of late
i had such plans for you
but the plans wouldn’t wait

someone took you away
no bicycle could replace you
not one
your bright green shine
your inviting embrace

i would take you anywhere
you were mine
a possession, sure
but much, much more
it’s hard to explain
the loss, as losing your own
kinsmen seems to be
a regular occurrence
for everyone
but what a shock
it was for me

I am Aleph: so little restraint but longing for it.

My facebook fast officially ended last Sunday night. I looked at facebook briefly, but it had no appeal to me. As the days continue, facebook has been luring me further and further back to itself. Ugh. I know that sounds sick. I have been a little bored editing data entry at work so it makes me want to spend more time on facebook- but NO!

I do not need to give up something completely. But I need to learn self-control. I have been maintaining it since the fast, but it keeps getting harder. I have not been able to spend as much time with Jesus as I would have liked to this week, since I have been incredibly busy with two jobs.

What does it mean to exhibit self-control? Why is it so important?

Before the days of facebook, when myspace was still popular and blogspot was virtually unknown, there was xanga. Xanga was like blogging jr. It seemed directed at youth. It was a kind of like a social network/blog. People normally did not blog about important items, just stupid things about their own lives.

I remember at one point, I completely deleted all my xangas (yes, I had various ones as I have various blogs). One day, I threw in the towel, and started my xanga back up. My xanga name? SoLittleRestraint...man. It's like when you you're being bad, but you embrace it all the more.

Social networks are of course not inherently evil, but when I consider all the time I have spent on them rather than in God's word, I feel like a complete fool.

I am starting to study Psalm 119. I have always fled away from this chapter, because it's so LONG. Long and seemingly redundant. He repeats law, commandments, statutes, precepts, works over and over again. I have always been a good rule follower, but when I gave my life to God, I took a big dump on the rules. I hated them and their association with good, cookie-cutter Christianity. I was a reckless beginner, completely infatuated by God's grace that I ignored the things that would keep me steadfast, stable, on solid ground.

I see the fruit of that now. I do not have much solid ground, I am always in the sinking sand. I hate the word self-control and in all the years I have been a believer have not had a good grasp on it- I either became legalistic in response, or a hippie rebel. True to form, I would consider my faith over the past years as hippie-like...I do faith, bible study, accountability, discipleship, service, PRAYER when I FEEL LIKE IT. I did that to not become legalistic. But then these practices never came into full being.

To be quite honest, for years I raged a silent war in my heart against people who "did their devotionals" every day. Oh, how I loathed this word, devotional. I had a "let it be" mentality. But now, in maturing, I realize that I have only given myself a passive faith that can easily be preyed upon. I seek to develop these spiritual disciplines more and more- not out of legalism. Out of a desire to draw closer to my King and Creator. To speak with him. To be with him. All this time when I just wanted to be, I did NOT KNOW HOW to be.

Now as I am seeking to develop these disciplines, I find myself relating to Aleph.

Psalm 119 begins with a double blessing for people who walk with God outwardly and inwardly.

"Blessed are those whose way is blameless,
who walk in the law of the Lord!
Blessed are those who keep their testimonies,
who seek him with their whole heart,
who also do no wrong, but walk in his ways."

Honestly, my first reaction is UGHHHH. Maybe it's because I am jaded. Growing up in Christian culture, I was always strongly encouraged to obey the rules, keep the law, don't have sex, don't drink. K, Thanks for the talk on Christ redeeming our lives on the Cross. Oh wait, where did that come in? So obviously, these words have bad, legalistic associations. As a kid, I followed HARD after God following every single rule possible. I also did not have many friends. Looking back, I see that God had set me apart and gave me a somewhat pure heart through all of this discipline- those were the benefits. But when I came into a new realization of the gospel, I wondered why leaders focused more on the rules than on love.

Now, after recognizing my jadedness, I must move forward and ask God for new a perspective. And ask questions like-

What does it mean to live by the law of the Lord?
How can I seek him with a whole heart?
What the heck does it mean to "keep his testimonies?"
Why do I want to walk in righteousness instead of doing wrong?

When I write those questions out, it makes sense. If I want to seek God with my whole heart, my heart beat should be aligned with his. He expresses his perfection in his law- although we as humans can never expect to live up to it completely, we can be blameless.

What does it mean to be blameless?
It's a life fully integrated around the the Lord's law (according to my IVP commentary). I also have been beginning to study Luke and yesterday I read of Zechariash and Elizabeth, servants of God, held blameless in his sight. It simpy means that they were faithful to God, especially in the hard circumstances of Elizabeth being barren.

In verses 1-4, Aleph looks at a person who is blameless in God's sight. In his shoes, I would be annoyed. "UGH. Why can't I get there? Why are they so freakin GOOD?" Aleph expresses longing to be like this- to be a faithful servant walking with the Lord in keeping his precepts diligently. To have the obedience flow not only outward but inward.

Aleph sees the VALUE in these qualities and he wants them:

verses 5-8
Oh that my ways be steadfast,
in keeping your statutes!
Then I will not be put to shame,
having my eyes fixed on your commandments.
I will praise you with an upright heart,
when I learn your righteous rules.
I will keep your statures;
do not utterly forsake me!

WOW. How refreshingly HUMAN. He wants to be kept steadfast,being set in way of the Lord, but he is afraid his quest would be set to disappointment. So he makes these HUGE promises, and begs the Lord to not utterly forsake him. I think we should make these promises, we need to get goals for ourselves. But in it, we remember God's promises to us. "I will not leave you or forsake you. I will be with you always." In Christ, we have the incredible promise that developing disciplines and meditating on his word will not be in vain. While chasing after everything else may come fruitless, there is promise in the living word of God!

He pursues us. But we should not hold back, and be lazy in pursuing him. Those of us in Christ, have established a covenant- a marriage pact. How can we try to know God, if we do not spend serious amounts of time talking with him every day?

As for me, I want to know God and I want to glorify him and not myself. His ways are perfect, his statutes are given to protect us and guard our hearts.

In trying to obtain peace in life, I am learning to love both the law and the grace. Both are incomplete without the other.

Make me complete, Abba. Give me self-control to not spend all my time in idoltry but to live in you completely. To get to know you like I have never known anyone before. Amen.

facebook, you are not me

my identity is not built up on what I made myself to be on facebook. i have wasted way too much of my life trying to portray me how i wanted people to see me.

no more, my god, i boast no more.


burn the kingdoms i have made
that you will shine
and i will fade
til there's nothing left of me.

hold on to your seats, ladies and gents.

this is gonna be a wild, rocky ride.

11 years

Today was one crappy day. I started the day with a stressful situation and despite the moments of redemptive grace throughout the day (which mostly involved food) I was under intense spirtitual attack. It has just been one of those weeks at work where you wonder if you will get anything done, ever. I was overwhelmed and not with grace-oriented mindfulness. So mostly, my day became all about me. How stressed I was. How I have been feeling poured out after a day of total rest and rejuvenation with God. Why and how do these things happen? I think it is very commonplace to hit a valley as soon as we hit a spiritual high. And that's what today was.

It came as no surprise to me when I realized the significance of today's dates- 1/20/2010. I got the jitters when I saw that date as a deadline a few days ago- maybe it was just the deadline, but that only surfaces the anxiety of that date.

11 years ago today, in a few hours, my oldest brother got in a car accident. He got a spinal cord injury and became a quadripalegic. Despite the tragedy of that night, God worked powerful miracles as well. Redemptive acts of grace were seen through that whole evening. Basically it's a miracle that my brother and his friends were alive.They were discovered right away.

1/21 is actually a bigger day for me, because that's the day 12 year old Janelle found out. I remember not getting out of bed that morning. It was a ritual of mine to try to *accidentally* sleep in sometimes and get driven to school late. This was not simply because I was lazy, but school was a place of extreme anxiety for me. Between unhelpful teachers just trying to pull their curriculum and students who generally didn't talk to me (and when they did it was not pleasant), I feared going to school.

Daniel, my second oldest brother finally woke me up that morning. But it wasn't until 8 or 8:30. I could immediately sense something was not right besides him saying "Janelle, Janelle, something terrible just happened last night." There was a sorrow expressed in his face, and Mark's face (my third brother standing just outside the room) that I had never seen. Not even when my grandma passed on 4 or 5 years before (on the same day).


I couldn't believe they let me sleep in while everyone was dwelling in this terrible news. I did not know much about what was going on except that there was a car accident. My parents were currently as the hospital.My first question "Is Justin alive?" was affirmed but still wasn't entirely sure what his physical state was. Daniel told me softly that they were saying he might never walk again.

The events of these two days changed the course of Justin's life and the rest of my family.

Although, what happened was quite tragic. It was hopeful. It also became a new norm in my life, so much that I became insensitive to the pain of Justin's injuries over the years. But it's hard as a teenager to see something like this through someone else's eyes rather than your self-centered spectacles.

It was hopeful, because through this event Justin was brought new life. He accepted Christ in the hospital. I am impressed with the man he has become today. He is a prayer warrior. He is more concerned with others than himself. Christ is living vibrantly within him. It of course took several years of maturity to become who he is now. I am so proud of who he is and who he was 11, 6 and 3 years ago.

He doesn't see the world as most people see it. Most people do not have to continuously depend on other people. Most people forget to depend on God. He views his accident as a blessing-- if not for this interruption he has wondered where he would be today. Justin was an extremely social, popular, partier. His mind was geared towards his own wants and own indulgences. Now he is geared toward Christ.

So although today was miserable and tomorrow will likely be too (every single year I experience spiritual warfare on this day) I need to remember who it is who is charge of this whole messy, beautiful earth and the starry heavens which look down on it. I need to remember what God is doing and has done today and yesterday and tomorrow. It is simply awe-inspiring how the Lord's redemptive grace weaves in and out of our lives. He makes all things new. He makes all things beautiful in it's time.

I look forward to not seeing this day as a curse, but as an actual blessing and I think that's in the works.

what does it mean to be poor in spirit?

Today in my reading, I somehow ended up in the Sermon on the Mount. I started reading the beatitudes and grew in wondering of what exactly Jesus meant.

What does it mean to be poor in spirit? At surface level, I think of being so self-sufficient that you do not rely on God.Surely, being rich in spirit seems to be what we should strive for, right? Because although we do not want physical wealth to plague our lives we want to develop riches in our inner man, right?

So needless to say, it threw me off when Jesus says,

"Blessed is the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

It would make sense to me if he said, "Blessed are you who are poor, because yours is the kingdom of God" as he did in the Sermon on the Plain in Luke 6.

What is the difference and what is similar about these two lines?

Commentaries are helpful because there are people out there who are well-researched, know their Greek and Hebrew, and the study of theology has been ongoing throughout history. But I did not have a commentary on me as I was looking at this at Shoes, a coffee shop in downtown Leesburg.

So before I go into what the commentaries said, take a minute and think about it for yourself. Go back to Matthew 5 and Luke 6 and meditate on it.

I meditated, and did not have an answer. I did think about how each beatitude was connected to the next one, and how the woes (in Luke 6) contrasted against the beatitudes. Two lines my eyes drew to, were

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God"

( I spent some time focusing on purity of heart. Purity is so much than abstaining from sexual sin. When I think of purity I sing the song/Psalm "Give us clean hands, give us pure hearts, let us not lift our soul to another." When we being created in a pure heart, we are seeking God's face, leaving our distractions and idols behind. I am also always taken back to David's penitential psalm,51,where towards the end he states "the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

and "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied."

(Those of who know me well or read my blog, know that I always dwell on the concept of spiritual hunger. That we do not remain self-sufficient feeding our phsyical hunger, but we continually feed on God.)

In Luke 6, the woe which was the direct antithesis of poor was "Woe to you you are rich, for you have recieved your consolation."

What would this mean in light of "poor in spirit" in Matthew 5?

"A broken spirit" would probably liken to being "poor in spirit." We can not feed our own spirits. We cannot mend ourselves back together. Jesus says "Woe to you are rich," talking about people who need nothing else, hunger for nothing else, because they are completely self-sufficient. They have no reliance on a Holy, loving God.

Back to the commentaries now:

I own a small commentary collection and I get fed up looking for thoughtful online commentaries. My bulky IVP "New Bible Commentary" very briefly overviews each chapter o the bible.

It notes quickly on "poor in spirit" on in specifics over the other beatitudes perhaps because it seems the least straight forward to the contemporary reader:

"Poor in spirit suggests the OT themes of the 'poor' or 'meek,' the oppressed people of God who, nontheless, trust in him for deliverance."

The theme presented here, is trusting in God for salvation, not yourself.

At Urbana, I bought two $2 commentaries to get my collection of commentaties of individual books of the Bible started- Luke and Acts (This is primarily due to my interest in Luke, the physician and the journalist). This commentary on Luke was written by Leon Morris (Tyndale New Testament Commentaries). Although I agree with the general jist of what he writes here, I further need to research and discern if his first assertion is indeed true). But Jesus does talk directly to someone in Luke 6, because his language is 2nd person instead of 3rd.

"Jesus looked at his disciples, to whom the following words are plainly addressed and pronounced a blessing on them as poor. He is not blessing poverty in itself...Nor is he prounouncing a blessing on one social class above all others...He is speaking of his disciples. They are poor and they know they are without resource. They rely on God, and know they must rely on him for they have nothing on their own on which to rely.It is in this spirit that in the Old Testament 'the poor' is often almost equivalent to 'the pious.' Matthew brings out this meaning with 'poor in spirit...'

In Matthew 5, Jesus is speaking to a crowd, in the 3rd person. Is this why he more specicially uses "poor in spirit" than simply "poor" when he speaks directly to his disciples? He's not saying that everyone living below the poverty line has the kingdom of heaven, but those without, who seek him instead of their things or their own self-pursuit.

I want to disagree with Leon when he says that Jesus is not talking about a social class, but in this current interpretation I have, he isn't. I do think this does have a lot of connections with Jesus' conversation with the rich, young ruler. He asks Jesus what can HE DO. After tgoing through the commandments, the young man asserts he has kept them all. But his refusual to give up all he has to follow Jesus shows that he does not adhere to the commandment to worship one God. Faced with a choice, he could not serve God above money. He could not give up what gives them comfort and happiness to rely completely on God.

There is a differentce between being poor in spirit and spiritually poor, and this man has great internal poverty that he will not even address by giving all he to God.

In this, it does show a correlation betwen the social class and being poor in spirit. Jesus goes to say that it is harder for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God, than the camel going through the eye of a needdle. The affluent are always tempted to rely on earthly possessions and their own efforts.

This is not to glorify one class over the other, but there seems to be something daunting when people who are phsyically starving everyday can have a more vibrant relationship with Christ, than people here in America who thrive on wealth but whose things consistently drive them to distraction.

Whether physically wealthy or poor, anyone can be poor in spirit. It's just harder for some than others.Yet salvation is always a miracle of divine grace, whether or poor. It is a gift from God. Who invites use to eat his food, without money and without price.

why is it so hard to be a volunteer?

Oh, how the tables have turned. I work for a national organization that uses volunteers. We use them well, but sometimes individuals slip through the cracks. That's the devil of the non-profit, sometimes.

When I moved to Leesburg, I wanted to get plugged in as a volunteer at a food non-profit right away. That was in September. They did not touch base with me until now, and I admit, the results are disappointing. To protect privacy and preserve the integrity of the non-profit I am using ________ space instead of the names.

Hi Janelle,

I have received your application and thank you for your interest in volunteering with _____! We have a very active group of over 200 volunteers who help us serve our community in the fight against hunger. If it were not for the kindness of individuals like you, we could not do it! Please know how grateful we are that you are interested in helping us in our efforts. At the present time however, all our volunteer positions are full. I will keep your application on file and if an appropriate position opens up, I will contact you to see if you are still interested. In the meantime, food is always our primary need so please feel free to peruse our website for food drive information throughout the year.

Again, thank you for thinking of us & Happy New Year.

Best regards,
_________

Here is my response:

_______,

I turned in my application in September and must admit I am quite disappointed to wait until January to hear from you. I work for a non-profit as well, so I understand that things can be slow at times, but might if you had reviewed my application in September, there could have been a position opened between then and now?

I am very passionate for the cause of food and hunger and would like to do more in the community, but there never seems to be openings to do anything, anywhere. It is tragic to me that there are so many people willing to help and give a hand but no opportunities available to do anything. I know there are needs at different places. I know there are still needs in the community. When it takes an application to do anything and have it not even be looked at, it's rather discouraging.

I am not faulting you. I know you are very busy and you are working for a great cause and I admire all the work you do at ________. I just wish there was more I could do to engage the community. Even my preferences marked on that application might have even changed since I applied in September. I do not even remember what I marked. I have lots of flexibility to do anything ________ needs. I am just simply hungry for an opportunity to do something in my community rather than sit around at home in the evenings, staring at a computer screen or watching tv.

Thank you for your time.

Janelle

a good reminder

Two, almost 3 years ago, I went to Kenya. Today I was blessed to get an e-mail from a nun who worked at the center my Global Project group stayed with. I couldn't believe she remembered me. I remember her vaguely. I remember having a somewhat in depth conversation with her but I can't even remember her face. Funny how those things tend to happen. We can forget a face, but people in our memories still have a name.

I want to share her e-mail to me and my response back to her (she calls me janello because that's in my e-mail address).

Dear Janello,
Merry Christmas and HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010.
Hope with God's loving care you and your friends had a blessed Christmas seasson. So to me.

I wonder wether you still remember me? May I remind you.
I am Sr. Rozina Kimaro. We met at Watakatifu Wote Senta in Ngong Diocese, Kenya. You came there with Global Group and you and Sarah visited Kibera Slum in Nairobi.
I think the experience you got from Kibera it is still alive with you. Those poor families the way they struggle to survive. Lets continue pray for them and help them whenever possible.

Back to me I am now serving Technical Vocation Centre for Youths boys and girls in Tanzania. It is called ST. ANTHONY VOCATIONAL TRAINING CENTRE. Owned by the Diocese of Musoma in northern Tanzania, along Lake Victoria shore.
Our centre is a boarding. We have about 150 youths, out of whom 81 are either orphan or most vulnerable. Most of the students are coming from very poor families. Our objective is to empower them with technical skills so that they can employ themselves.

When you visit East Africa again dont hasitate to meet us.
Pass my sincere greetings to your friend Sarah. I will love to hear from you and to know your mission right now.
Stay blessed.
Regards,
Sr. Rozina.


Sister Rozina,

Yes, I do remember you. How delightful it is to hear from you.

You are right, my experience from Kibera still is alive in me as much as it is easy to forget it, living in an affluent culture with various distractions surrounding me everyday. Thank you for the reminder to continue in prayer for the families in Kibera.

It has been hard for me to integrate my experience in Kenya back into the United States. Especially after graduation from college, I had to acquire a job, pay the bills and it's made me very busy and simply living for myself. I recently went to the Urbana missions conference in St. Louis, Missouri. This is a conference which InterVarsity Christian Fellowship with International Fellowship of Evangelical Students puts on every 3 years. I got to see Brian and Debbie Lee and various other students who were on the same Global Project. While there, God woke my spirit back up to himself and to issues of poverty around the world and on the homefront.

Coming back from the conference, I have been trying to place these things I've been re-learning into application. I am revitalizing my prayer life, waking up earlier in the morning to pray. I recently heard a sermon on the importance of intercession, and I admit, I so often pray for myself more than I pray for others. I am re-developing the discipline to pray for others, and so I will committ to praying for the families in Kibera.

What you are doing at St. Anthony sounds wonderful and much needed in the Kingdom. Bwana Asifiwe! What kind of vocational skills are they being taught? I will pray for you in your ministry and particularly for the orphans as they learn helpful trades, which they can hopefully carry with them. How can I specifically pray for you?

Right now, I am working as an administrator for a non-profit which is advocating to add a parental rights amendment to the U.S. Constitution so families can continue to be protected in America. It is great to work for a cause I believe in but I would like to do direct ministry to the poor in the United States or maybe abroad. I want to work in a ministry which teaches people from low-income communities how to cook and garden/farm (particularly not a lot of people in the U.S. knows how to do these basic things). Please pray for me as I apply to different programs this year which will hopefully equip me for this mission.

Thank you for e-mailing me and reminding me of Kibera and prayer. If God brings me back to East Africa, I will be sure to visit you. I am sending your greetings on to Sarah. She will be blessed to hear from you, as I also am.

Salama,
Janelle