Thoughts on Leadership and being a Christ Follower

I really did not want to go to Intervarsity leadership retreat this weekend. In fact, this past Thursday night, I had a first in a while: I went to IV and saw hundreds of people swarming everywhere, and I got nervous, frightfully nervous. I did not want to be an IV leader. I did not want to try to reach people for Christ even though that's what we're called to do, maybe with a less corny term, by Christ. I just didn't want to be a Christian. I don't really mean, I didn't want to follow Jesus anymore, I just didn't want to be a subculture Christian, getting sucked into a bubble, of happy, smiling people swarming around me. That was where I didn't want to be. I've just realized over the summer, that as much as I love CNU and the community around me here, it's me and my fellow believers. I did not have any close relationships with people who weren't christians. What's the point of being a christian if you never leave your shell?

Then on Friday night, Bekah, Jamie and I were sitting on the swings outside at Camp Rudolph. And I stared at the trees, and the stars through the trees, and couldn't help but feel completely empty. I told them I need to re-fall in love with God. That I felt disconnected from him. Like, I know his values. But I don't know him anymore. And I felt like I was stuck. Stuck at CNU, stuck on leadership, stuck in a routine I couldn't get out of. The example I find of the cycle going around and around again, is that I have liked on and off the same guy I liked on and off last year at this time. And I still act completely strange with him. After all this time. It irks me, but now I just want to stay away from him. Just because I don't want this cycle repeating.

Then Beth Gambardella spoke that night. And I had trouble not falling asleep when she was talking about Moses and him acting as a mediator between his people and God. Not that it wasn't interesting, I was just very tired and wanted to go to bed. And some point in her talk, God gave me a light slap in the face. Because what she had to say had to deal directly with what I've been going through. She said, "If you're not hungry for God, you are starving. And often when you are starving, you don't realize the drastic need you are in", or something in that jist. And I was shook. Cause I wasn't hungry for God. I was starving so much for him, being much afraid to go into prescense, much afraid for being a christian, that I didn't know how to connect. As she was talking more and more, I started crying. I don't normally cry during talks, but I did this time. I realized the difference between me now and last year, is that I am much more sober. More serious, in a not so overly serious, uptight way, but sober that I am more aware, and even more wrecked and alert to what's going on around me. It was tough to swallow. Often times I doubt if my worship to God in corporate worship is genuine, and that night it felt especially so. My voice was raised, and it didn't sound pretty. As I was singing to my King, my voice was trembling and crying. People around me were no longer a distraction. I felt completely ruined before the glory of God.

Then today, in our quiet time, we read 1 Corinthians 2. I read this not too long ago, a week before I left Portland, and it spoke to me incredibly. I realized then, I had not spend my summer interning spending time with God through actually reading what God was saying in scripture. I was letting other people be the mediators, and me, just the spectator. I was trying to cram information into me, but it didn't bring me closer to God because "knowledge pumps up."

Anyways, I sat there, doing breathing exercises to clear my mind to anything I could to talk to God. Spent some time praying and not just for myself. And then, I felt compelled to write in my journal:

"The Cross has become empty to me and who I am in Christ has no meaning left. I lean too far on the side of Christian rhetoric, on books about God and not written by him. I let man's wisdom block me from my Creator. The gospel, in turn, has become total foolishness to me. I don't know at times if I really, truly believe it or if I'm just following steps cause it's as I've always done. Part of me doesn't want to be on IV leadership due to this. It feels like a sick cycle of repeats, like I'm trapped in a naturalist play I can't get out of. Of course I can't get myself out. That's the trap. Only God can. I don't want it to be a repeat of last year. All I wanna do right now is hold God tightly and never let him go. But I can't, I'm incapable. Allow God to hold me tightly and not let me out of his grasp.
The bible has become just another book on my reading list. I am a seeker of enlightenment, not og God. I know leadership will once again be a struggle for me. I can't let the devil use tht against me. I need the Lord's spirit over me. Nothing else matters. It makes me sick how much the rest of it all matters to me more. I want eyes to see, ears to hear, and a mind to concieve. But in the meantime, I am just grabbing for air."

This weekend we learned a little bit about ourselves in relation to christian leadership, and there is a good order that is not necessarily found directly in scripture but is highly applicable to how we live lives of christian leaders. CDSL
Child, Disciple, Servant, Leader.
Jesus says that children are first in the kingdom of God. Being a child of God means being taken under his loving care. We must swallow our pride and let him do that before leadership.

I know I will have many more struggles this semester with this, but I feel myself returning quickly back to parts of myself to that time that I had "faith like a child". For example, today during stretch out time in between things, I ran circles around the room. Like a little ADD kid, yelling and chanting. And you know what. It felt quite liberating and I don't know why I don't do it more often.

God knows my name. He calls me by Janelle.

thoughts on going back to school: part 2
class act

This semester I am hoping for divine intervention in the workings of my mind. Basically saying, I am actually a big ditz who talks fancy and poetically but really knows nothing. I know very little about current events, or even history in the past 20 years. Most of what I learned in history and science class has slipped my brain. I asked this guy a couple weeks ago what this shirt he always wears means, and he informed me it was the symbol for the USSR and he doesn't know why he wears it. Such a simple thing I should've known.

I get so caught up in certain disciplines of thought, I don't really think about anything else. And I remain, completely oblivious.

The reason I am saying this is that the classes I am taking are challenging parts of my brain that I have not plugged into.

Especially nerve-wrecking is playwriting, which I have always been extremely interested in, but now I'm in it, I wonder what the hell I am doing there. I think in story-telling methods, but the way I want to tell stories would be better expressed in prose or film. I am going to be challenged here.

I am taking a music course for my film studies minor. It's about music in the movies. The class makes me feel like a fake hypocrite. Here am I, ever so picky about the music I listen to. Yet I cannot explain why. I can't describe music. It's hard for me to even pick out instruments in songs, unless they're very obvious.
Plus, I am a hypocrite with movies. Here I am wanting to make film possibly when I cannot even name the director or anyone on the crew of Amelie, one of my favorite movies. I feel like such a doofus. Why don't I pay attention?

And then there's biology. And I am getting idealistic about saving the environment. But I know nothing of the science behind it.

I can tell you now, this will be a period of lots and lots of learning. But it won't come easy. It never does.

My thoughts on the first days of school:
part 1- relationships

Going back to CNU, was like entering a realm far removed from Portland. CNU is like a small, small town. Where ever I go, I know people. In the midst of running errands and trying to get to my classes, I'd run in to about 5-15 people, I am absolutely compelled to stop where I am and greet them. Usually with the very surfaced "hi, how are you doing?" greeting. I try to mix it up, and so sound cool. Instead of always saying "have a great day!!" I'd say "take it easy" or something chill like that.
"How are you doing?" Does anyone ever want to know how you're really, truly doing?? It's programmed into us to greet this way and always respond with an answer that is more on the optimistic side.

Portland, I came knowing not one soul. I did not have this extensive social network. And I realized right away, that instead of meeting too many people, I should stick to a smaller network of tight individuals. Although that didn't happen in full, the idea of a smaller community to plug into was more prevalent in Portland. I did not know everyone at Imago Dei, and for that I am most glad.

Small talk. I hate it. I have been compelled to have about 50 small talk conversations in the past few days. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I feel like some socialite that I really am not. Even though it appears that I have many plentiful amounts of friends, I'd only prefer to have a few close ones. As hard as it is to say, I don't think I should be friends with people who I can't get into in depth conversations with. In order to have these conversations, the two of us must be comfortable being real and transparent with each other.

I dislike popularity. I have about 500 friends on facebook (this counts people who I haven't talked to in years). I have interest in most of them, as is why I am facebook friends. I am interested in different sorts of people. And I am interested in branching out and getting to know many people. But when it comes down to it, I only need a few, true friends.

Trouble is, I can't even figure point who they all are. I am an openly vulnerable person, who get into in depth conversations with more people than a lot can. So being good friends goes beyond even that. I am, for the lack of a better word, "ADD" with the relationships I am in. I float from one to the next. If I talk to one person, I am looking over at another person I want to talk to. It's horrible. As a result, I have many many friends. Yet, when crisis hits, it can be hard to identify who to turn to. Who really loves me? And whom do I really love?


I want to go beyond surfacey relationships. I want to limit my people scope to a few. Not to exclude people. But to learn how to love those whom I love.

This does not mean I need a boyfriend. Sometimes, I really really want one. Then I think, whats the point? There is a great freedom in getting to focus on more platonic relationships rather than floating on a continuous cloud 9. Whenever I do find a boyfriend, I would never wish to exclusively see him, or even drown out my other guy friends. I intend on acting as I was with all my friends. I hate when I see people go and be boyfriend/girlfriend, and then ignore everyone else. It is entirely stupid, and they'll grow sick of each other.

i really hate arguing.

and then part of me craves it, craves conflict.

i would really like to stop arguing about jesus with those who believe in the same jesus. they're no less than me, and i'm no less than them. but it seems like we always try so hard to drag each other's opinions down, and that's exactly what the devil wants.

i want to know the full truth of the gospel, and i want to share it with others. but, i don't want to start cold wars on it.

how do we straddle the line? how can we teach each other, but not hurt one another.

it seems to be something i'm not good at. i feel like i'm always offending those i care about. and then again, the gospel isn't just nice words. it's offensive and not politically correct. how can it be shared without ripping each other up?

i'm learning as i go.

I have environmentally-conscious convictions that I am starting to act upon.

Does this make me liberal?

maybe not so much. maybe extremely extremely conservative.
afterall, it hasn't been until the late 19th century that mass meat production increased in factories with the industrial revolution.

people used to either kill their food, or buy it from someone local.

this isn't some new agey idea i'm toying around with.


furthermore, liberal politics does not equate to liberal theology. and the term liberal is completely miscontrued these days. liberal does not equal godless.

scott(andreas) sent me a really good article that i'd like my friends to see, this reflects my beliefs on politics and God a lot more than what you've been seeing (my extreme decisions to go vegetarian and such leads to generalizations that has caused many to think i'm over the hedge on the liberal end)

I just found a wondrous blog : emerging women.

And what do I find on the sidebar of the blog? A conference, on the east coast, and better yet, in Virginia Beach. I am often skeptical of women's retreats and stuff because they get corny and too touchy-feely... but this conference seems to dialogue more like a conversation.

" We hope to facilitate discussions directly related to women, encouraging them to boldly emerge as leaders in this 21st Century. The conversations are inclusive of a diversity of leadership styles and opportunities. All women will have a voice at the table to dialogue, to learn and to advance our journeys of Christian spiritual formation."

yesssss.

and for students, it's only 25 dollars.

who wants to go with me??!

I find often that my spirit is willing and my flesh lacks behind like a snail.

I want to love people of lower economic standing than me. I feel a huge part of the gospel is social justice. It's seen everywhere, with the sexually- wounded pluralist woman at the well (john 4), with the good samaritan (luke 10), Jesus intervening in the lives of outcasts- the sick, the mentally handicapped, the paralyzed, the lepers, the prostitutes, the tax collectors, the smelly fishermen. Jesus came for them. For the broken in this world.

I know this and understand this with my mind. But then why is it, that when I get on the bus, I ignore people who look like they're "white trash" who could be on meth. Why do I ignore those of ethnic backgrounds? Why do I pass the homeless on the street, not acknowledging their total need. The way I act, you'd think I hate them.

I don't though. I live in fear. Fear that I don't know what to say. Fear that I won't know what to do. Fear that I will fail, and they would hate Christ forever because of me.

O, I am a prideful wretch, aren't I?

My friend Monica was talking about an old friend whose a meth addict, living on the streets of portland with no where to go. She's been thinking a lot about him, wanting to do something. But she doesn't know what to do. what to say.

i was thinking out loud about setting up a water stand. and give out free cups of water. it was a thought. water is good. i feel like the need is greater.

and then later on today, i started reading a Burnside Writers article.

"It’s not a final “solution” to homelessness. Sometimes, all we can hope for is to help someone right now, at this very moment. It’s something you can do that you know in your heart will help them get through this day, and perhaps the next. "

This guy suggests making backpacks for the homeless. Go spend that 20 dollars you were gonna go to buy that cute skirt or that concert ticket, on basic needs...food, a blanket, a tarp, toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, a washcloth, a garbage bag and a bible, etc.

then when you see that same person on the street corner, you can give them something from the bag, or give them the entire bag! you could just leave it with them. or maybe come back again and start a repoitroire. choose a spot in a city. pray over it. and then..go!

it's not the end all, no. but its meeting very practical needs for people who suffer a great deal each day.

for more info, go to

www.backpacksforthehomeless.org

this shows what heaven could be like. or what i imagine it to be.



An Allegory




BIGSTONEHEAD.NET

is where i found this amazing piece

Last summer I attended an evangelical missions conference in West London. This turned out to be a shock to my prior bible-belt raised mentality. Where did a great amount of people gather in their free time? In the pub, right down the street. Being in London with a college/post-college team that only consisted of five dudes besides me, the token female, my team was found in the pub almost every night during free time. Amongst the dwellers were members of the leadership team. We christians packed out this place.

It was there I had my first public consumption of alcohol. It was quite laughable to me, that I was able to drink. We hung out there, smoking cloves and cigars, and laughing and talking in our obnoxious American way. My friends claimed that I was drunk one night, just because i wrapped my long hair around my face and proceeded to act like Aslan. My weird behavior was not completely spurred by alcohol consumption as they thought. Indeed, I am able to appear drunk with nothing but coffee, water, and carbs loaded up in my system. Although I drank some, and smoked more, I never had more than one glass a night.

It was quite a sight to see a bunch of evangelical christians all stumbling together on the way home from the pub, which closed at 11pm every night. A sight that'd be locked in my mind's photo bank for a long time.

This summer, I came from Virgina to the Rose City, to live, be an arts ministry intern, and experience the cultural life that the Dogwood state seemed to lack in. In my time at Imago Dei, I have observed the frequent communal visits to the pubs- for happy hour, for movies, or for rock shows. None, that I, the 20 year old , could actively partake in.

The rock shows are what really gets under my skin. One thing I was excited about, coming to Portland, was the endless nights of musical entertainment. So far, the only thing I've gone to is the Blues Festival. I've been deprived. Deprived of a rich indie music scene I had so longed for.
I decided not to let it get me down. Afterall, there were other all-ages venues (as terribly expensive as they may be). But then, all at once, I found a stream of artists coming to town in July, that I would've been at their show in a moment's notice, if only I were a year older. The Appleseed Cast, David Bazan, Tilly and the Wall, Denison Witmer, among countless others. It keeps happening. All at bars, pubs, lounges, whatever term you'd have for it. And it really pisses me off.

Virginia might not have a rich music scene, but one thing it does have, is access. Access to clubs and bars even if you are not 21. Most of those places will let you in at 18, just with marked huge X's on your hand. These X's might be somewhat depraving, but they do work. With a X on my hand I can go almost everywhere. There was just one concert this year I wanted to go to, but couldn't because I wasn't 21. That actually, was yet again, Mr. Bazan. I hung my head in grief when I found out yet again he was in my reachable range, and yet again I'd be considered a minor.

When I talk about my alcoholic rights I should possess, most of my friends just think I'm obsessed with alcohol. But I can live fine without alcohol, I just want the music. The music is all I want. Why can't they mark X's on your hand at these Portland spots. Are they so afraid of the immature 18-20 year old crowd? Seriously, there are no big maturity differences between a 21 year old and I. The only real differences between a 25 year old and I is real world experience and potentially a college degree.

First of all, I think the drinking age in America needs to be changed. And I'll still support that after my birthday next year.

But for now, these clubs really must consider marking X's on the hands of us "minors". Really, it'd save a lot of grief.

wake up in the morning
i shall wake up, and so shall you
and I, wake up
the sun is beautiful
and it is warming you and I
as fragile as we lie

-eisley


today, my alarm went off.
i realized that my mind knows what my heart cannot grasp.

i woke up to truth.
i cannot carry myself in my relationship with christ. i know this is my mind. not in my heart.

there needs to be a connection. sometimes it's there. on too rare an occasion.

i want to live a life that's confident. not an arrogant, humanistic confidence. but a humble, active, pursuing confidence. one that's unafraid of consequences, fearless of diving in and taking risks. i don't put up that front, but sometimes I am all too petrified and timid. it mostly comes from pride.

i focus too much on the external. on my prided image. like all humans, my flesh is completely devoted to me. how i look to the outside world.

i cracked open my bible, and actually spent a good amount of time reading.
i read the sermon on the mount. it's horribly too convicting, being the performer i am.
i looked up chapter 6 under the message version.

"Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don't make a performance out of it. It might be good theater, but the God who made you won't be applauding. When you do something for someone else, don't call attention to yourself. You've seen them in action, I'm sure—'playactors' I call them— treating prayer meeting and street corner alike as a stage, acting compassionate as long as someone is watching, playing to the crowds. They get applause, true, but that's all they get. When you help someone out, don't think about how it looks. Just do it—quietly and unobtrusively. That is the way your God, who conceived you in love, working behind the scenes, helps you out.

And when you come before God, don't turn that into a theatrical production either. All these people making a regular show out of their prayers, hoping for stardom! Do you think God sits in a box seat?

Here's what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.

The world is full of so-called prayer warriors who are prayer-ignorant. They're full of formulas and programs and advice, peddling techniques for getting what you want from God. Don't fall for that nonsense. This is your Father you are dealing with, and he knows better than you what you need. With a God like this loving you, you can pray very simply. Like this:
Our Father in heaven,
Reveal who you are.
Set the world right;
Do what's best— as above, so below.
Keep us alive with three square meals.
Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others.
Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil.
You're in charge!
You can do anything you want!
You're ablaze in beauty!
Yes. Yes. Yes."

Vegetarian Diaries

Day one- Saturday, July 8
Today, Marie and I hung out and when we got to Cha! Cha! Cha!, we both realized we were hungry. I ordered a chicken fajita burrito and she ordered nachos. As we were eating, we talked about several things, such as vegetarianism. I've been thinking about becoming a vegetarian for a few weeks now, but have pushed it out of my head cause I thought it'd be too hard. As I was talking to Marie, I realized that in my heart it was something I felt convicted to do.

Not like eating meat is immoral. It does state in the bible that we can eat meat. But the way animals get treated before getting slaughtered is cruel. Plus the mass farmers feed them anything, just about anything to make them fat. Have you ever thought that as you're eating your steak you could also be eating a cat? Cause if they find a dead cat on the farm, they sure as hell will feed it to their livestock. Plus, the way the livestock is raised is wasteful. They use lands that could well be used for vegetation, for the full use of the livestock. Each pound of meat, has about 5-15 pounds of grain in it. You know how much hungry people that grain could feed? So basically, my reasons for going vegetarian are
-environmental sustainability
-ethical problems on mass farms
-world hunger (using our resources well)
-general health
The last one is a kind of selfish reason. I would like to see how vegetarinism effects my energy and diet. Food often has a very fatiguing effect on me, and after I eat most of the time, I feel like physical activity is the last thing on my list. At 20, my health is all well. But in 10, 20, 30 years, it's scary to think of how my health will be doing.

So, I decided in my heart and in mind, that chicken fajita burrito would be the last one I ate. And to be honest, it really didn't taste as good eating it that last time, as it was other times. After that on Saturday, I did pretty well. For lunch, I had strawberries,soy chips with provolone cheese (yes, cheese is a dairy product, therefore from the same mistreated animal. However, for health reasons, I chose not to be vegan). For dinner, I feasted on fried zucchini, cucumber salad, peas, and bread, provided by the Park family's leftovers. There was also chicken teriyaki up for the grabs, but I made the conscious effort not to eat it.

Day 2- Sunday, July 9
As with every sunday here in Portland, I woke up at the early hour of 6am. I decided that an adequate breakfast would be a priority over something like, putting makeup on. I ate two strawberries, blueberries in my chai ice cream, and snacked on some peas.

My digestive track, does seem to be needing to get used to this new diet. But once, I am settled in, it shouldn't be too much of a bother.

For church, I had plenty of energy as I was running around, helping with set-up, manning the sacred space/book table, and helping in kids community.

After church, and a hot bus ride home, I passed out on my bed, until 5:15pm. I was dead tired (I had an exhausting past week, and getting up so early on Sundays always takes something). Getting up was even hard to do. Before the great nap, I did eat some veggies, fruits and bread once again.

I went to home community, where there was a potluck. The turn out was smaller tonight and the only vegetarian option was chips, and I thought, pasta salad. I ate some pasta salad, but then realized there were bits of bacon in it. Not wanting to waste food though, I finished it off. Then later in the evening, my hunger pangs struck again, and I was desperately craving protein. They had barbecued some hot dogs, very plump, nice looking hot dogs, and there were still a bunch left. Leslie said that what wasn't eaten would be thrown out. It was sad to me to see any sort of food go to waste, and being hungry, I gave in and grabbed a hot dog.

It was good for 2 seconds, but then I felt sick. I have felt sick from eating hot dogs before, it isn't uncommon. But this one(with those bacon bits), just did not settle right at all after the last 24 hours. I knew after this, craving those sort of meats wouldn't be a problem again.

I got home, and my roommate and her friends were eating Baja Fresh. mmmmm. I got offered a chicken quesadilla, and turned it down. I took out the veggies from the fridge and dipped them in the baja salsa and guacamole. I also ate some chips, and some grapes. Drank some organic lemonade leftover from the Sacred Space Ceili. I felt a whole lot better. Then we went to Baskin Robbins, and I got a scoop of thin mint and a scoop of tranquility tea. Ice cream, isn't very healthy of course. But it is good. Especially in the summertime.

My whole life, I have been very dependent on meat. I especially love chicken, and my parents' meatballs. I never really liked veggies a lot. Especially raw veggies. However, as I am eating them more, I'm taking more of a liking to them. Being a vegetarian will be hard for me, and I feel like it's gonna be a process. I will eat meat every once in awhile, until I can completely cut it out of my life. Beef won't be as hard as chicken will be(except the meatballs). And as far as red meat goes, I never really liked it. This is certainly a great challenge for me, but I feel like it's a good choice. I don't have any big holdbacks in switching over.

I am developing some weird, twisted sickness.

I will call it post- high school nostalgia

By all means, I do not want to go back to high school. Not at all.

But I miss the people who I knew there. The classes, even some of the ridiculous teachers I had who made life interesting, and I miss complaining about them...

The people who I hung out with at lunch, on the carpet or in the lobby in the morning as I was still waking up, the kids i sat with at young life club and sang songs with, and got rides to McDonalds, the kids who I walked by in the hallway each day who I never talked to, but just that we saw each other in the hallway established some sort of bond.

I look back at all the times I begged people to give me rides, my lack of attendance for the football games and my lack of care for the school even though I was on yearbook and participated in the senior skit. My will to change things, to go against the status quo (even though i often just assimilated into the crowd). I miss the political arguments I had with people. Even though I had no idea what I was talking about, I argued passionately and with vigor. I miss the crazy musicals and plays, and the backstage always filled with as much drama as what was up onstage. I miss key club and crazy Mrs. Beardsley. I miss the geeks, the freaks, the socialites, the superstars, the outcasts, the preps(85% of my school, just about), the downright eccentric kids who ran around with capes on, the little scene kids (there were hardly any scene kids my year and the year after, but sophomores and freshman mostly consisted of them).

I don't miss my self-righteous ways. How I shut people out just because they were "messy".
I don't miss always feeling out of the loop. Always feeling left out. Not a part of anything. And maybe that's because I withdrew so much. Not only was I afraid of giving people a chance, I was afraid of giving myself a chance, because even though i didn't "drink, smoke, do drugs, have sex, party it up", I was the messiest person of all. And I didn't want anyone to ever see it.

I don't long to go back. But as I'm sitting here, on a chair, in a house, in Portland Oregon, thousands of miles away from where I grew up, I want to enter back into relationship with my Manassasen peers. With everyone from "heathenistic" Osbourn Park, with everyone from church and young life who I started feeling cut off from, as I felt they exemplified the "pretty" christian as I was a horrible wreck. With people who I hated at school. With people who I only had superficial relationships with. With people who I was in long friendships with, and all of a sudden, college hits, and I don't speak to them again.

I feel so broken off from them. I dream about them every night. I always dream about the past. I still feel as though I'm in relationship with Manassas, Va, but that it's broken off. That when I went off to college and lost my contacts, I said "screw you Manassas. it's over. i'm done with you." this was solidified with spending a summer in oregon rather than manassas.

i thought i could throw away my relationship with my hometown. that i could disown it. i can't. it'll be with me always.

all i wanna do now, is become friends with people i knew from high school. no matter how i felt about them. i want to enter back into the mess that is manassas. to follow christ in his reincarnation.

but i'm in portland.

i don't think it's a bad thing i'm here either. i think i belong here this summer. i think being here made me realize the huge loss in my life. the quality and diversity of manassas.

but overall, i have spent hardly anytime in manassas this year. fall break, i was working backstage on proof, so i stayed at cnu. winter break, i worked at borders in manassas, but 40 hours a week. i was too exhausted to pour my time into anything else, plus the lack of a car held me back a lot. spring break, i went to the beach with a bunch of cnu kids. i spent like 2 days home. easter, i stayed at school. summer, well as you can tell i am not there. i've been avoiding that place like the plague.

and now i miss it. after all of that.

even if i were back. it'd probably be hopeless. i feel like i don't have much in common with much of those people. i don't have anything to talk about with them. i feel like it'd be a worthless cause.
but maybe it wouldn't.

i love my friend bekah. she is so so very beautiful. i read this and i thought that this was just too amazing to just stay on her myspace blog.

"So there is this homeless man who is always outside of our walmart who stands on the corner near the stop sign to get in and out. Every time i go to wal-mart, i'm with my mom, and as we leave, we have to stop at the stop sign. I am in the passenger seat, and my mom does such a good job of ignoring him. It almost angers me how unaffected she is by it, because i feel so ashamed every time i'm in that passenger seat and i pass him by.

Today as i was leaving CNU after 8 hours of work, God really put this guy on my heart. I decided that I would go to walmart, and if he was there, I would buy some stuff there and give it to him. Then as I was driving home, I started to freak out. What if he was there, but I was too scared to take action. God spoke to me kind of loud, and pretty much made it clear that if i didn't stop, this man would die. So i could choose. which...definitely pushed me.
so i drove home and to walmart...and he was there.

i went inside and freaked about what i should get him. His sign always says homeless and hungry. help. so i went to the food isle. Having just bought my car, i don't really have much money...actually i'm in debt about 300 dollars to my mom. So i looked for something cheap. I bought a super huge bag of animal crackers, a big thing of gatorade, and a little book with scripture passages [because i wanted him to know it didn't come from me, it came from god, cuz i sure wouldnt have done it if he hadnt told me to]. On the way out, I also felt really called to get a cold bottle of water from the front for him. I went out and gave it to him, and when i did, it started pouring. When i handed him the bag, I mentioned that the water was cold, and then I mumbled that i should have got him an umbrella. He smiled, and then said thank you and that he had been dying of thirst.

Then i left. when i got in my car, i started crying. i had to pull over cuz it was so rainy and i couldn't see out of my eyeballs and i just had to pray.
but for some reason...i felt worse than i did before. I feel like what i gave was crappy. i wished that i could do something so much bigger. i wished that i didnt have to do it behind my mother's back. i wished that i didn't feel like i did it for myself. i wished that i hadn't said something so stupid to him.

now i don't think he would have really died if i hadn't given him anything; i think that is was more of a motivation to make sure that i did what i needed to do. i do, however, think that i would have died if i hadn't acted. spiritually that is. this much i do know: he had been dying of thirst, but so had i. it's really not enough to learn about passages like the good samaritan, analyze them, and know what is good and what is not. if you keep on staring ahead, you havn't really learned anything.

now what i did made me feel like i suck in about 100 new ways, but i did try. i took action on something that i felt passionatly about, and i feel like that is a step in the right direction.and just now i decided i was still really not at peace with the whole situation, so i opened the bible to a random page and read the passage. i came right to matthew 10, which is when jesus sends the 12 apostles on their way. the whole thing is pretty startling. it calls for action, and a lot of it. it is very bold, very scary, and yet very encouraging. jesus let's the diciples know how hard their journey is going to be, yet how filfilling.the passage itself is pretty long so i won't post the whole thing, but you should read it if you have time because it is so vivid.I will, however, leave you with this- my peace for tonight. the very last line of the passage.

"And if you give even a cup of cold water to one of the least of my followers, you will surely be rewarded."

God is perfection. "

Greetings, friends!

To be quite honest, sometimes as I am walking about the neighborhoods of Portland, navigating the bus system, working in the office, or even taking part of a ministry or a cultural event, I feel quite sad. I wonder why I feel this way, and sometimes I just don't feel "real". Not real as in honest or genuine, but real as in breathing and living and finding all the potentials. I've noticed this from being around people who seem so real in this sense to me. They actively pursue life and fight for joy. I see this and wonder why I just hang back. Sometimes I feel so cut off from what's really going on. I feel a certain disconnect that I can't reconcile in either my social times or lone times. Portland is amazing, really. I just have had a spirit problem for a long time. Something that I subconciously believed that being in Portland might fix. But of course it hasn't. Only God can fix it. I go to him, I feel consistently. But I feel like it can be in vain. Sometimes I feel most narcissistic when I am going before God, because I feel like I'm just trying to take, take, take from the relationship. I only really seem to give with the hopes of recieving. I feel most of the time, my relationship with God is focusing only on what I can get out of it. I. I. Fuckin' I. I'm sick of myself. I realize that I'm not feeling the same joy as I used to, cause part of me absolutely hates myself. Most of you might be surprised to read this i'm sure. I'm so damn good at acting like a perky, energetic person.

Why am I sharing this? I have friends who don't like that I get so personal in my blogs. 1) I want to be real (in a genuine sense of the word) and 2) I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, and I'd like you to be reminded that you're not alone and 3) so you're open to share and stop pretending that everythings just "good" (as we often respond when we're asked how we're doing).

Anyways, I just read this out of the Brothers K, and it really hit me. And it helped me to realize what my problem I felt looked like. Cause 'til now, I couldn't write it out.

"There are kinds of human problems which really do seem, as our tidy expressions would have it, to "come to a head" and "demand to be dealt with." But there are also problems, often just as serious, which come to nothing that we can recognize or openly deal. Some long-lived, insidious problems simply slip us off to one side of ourselves. Some gently rob us of just enough energy or faith so that days which once took place on a horizontal plane become an endless series of uphill slogs. And some- like high water working year after year at the roots of a riverside tree- quietly undercut our trust or our hope, our sense of place, or of humor, our ability to empathize, or to feel enthused, and we don't sense impending danger, we don't feel the damage at all,
till one day, to our amazement, we find ourselves crashing to the ground."

i have a really good friend out there, thinking of me. and i know she's not the only one. :)

handmade card from bekah

a love letter included

back of the card

anklets she MADE me

my ugly foot with pretty anklets



i heart my best friend.
i love and miss all my friends from va.
i bought stationary today. expect love letters soon. unless you're a boy. you'll get a cool postcard. but only if you really want it.

this picture, and some worse ones before it were the starting point of my still life photo shoot today. i know hardly anything about photography, nor the rules of still life. it's fun though to fake it. i think my pictures gradually get better.

the subject- a flower i made in kids community, where i was helping out on sunday. this day was a be good to your earth cause god made it day. the kids took recycled materials, and invented something out of them. out of recycled materials, i made this flower.

what else used:
salt
foil
petals
yellow flowers
light
brown table



i took like 50 pictures...i picked what i thought was the best in the wee hours of the morning

i feel like i am waking up to a truth, that has just been unfolding to me in the past year.

the truth that we really do need to take better care of our planet. that i, as a person, should take steps in my lifestyle to help this.

sometimes waking up is disruptive.

i have a lot of past assumptions, and ideals that really contradict this new way of thinking.

one of the biggest things, is that i'm worried about what certain people i hole close to me would think. they think that many envrionmentalists go over board, but i don't know with these issues at hand, if there is such a thing as going over board.

but man, i hate this. it's so hard to start really believing in something when you're deep-seeded in doubting the whole thing as a kinda hoax, dismissing it as a joke.

i don't think that individual people are wrong. the people i'm worried about have really, really good hearts, but perhaps have confused politics with ethics.


i'm becoming more of an environmentalist. and i don't know. i wonder how i will be when i return to va. it's easy to believe in such things here in portland. and i really feel i would feel a lot differently if i was only changing just cause the culture i am in is telling me differently.


i'm not a fan of al gore.
i wish the documentary focused more on how we can change the planet, then have shots of him and his politcal career. it sent out the message, wow look at al gore. he is such a hero of a good cause. i think it was awakening documentary at the same time. and i wish that both parties cared equally about the issue of global warming. because i know first hand, that republicans haven't so much.



i want to see a new party rise up....a party that cared about issues that God cares about....
it could be called the pro-life party, adding on to the meaning of pro-life as just matters of letting babies live, and extending the pro-life attitude further...some important values of it might be...
-educational benefits to all who desire for it (even people who can't afford to go to good colleges)
-a job market that keeps the country's economy running while making room for the millions who are unemployed and welcoming them. encouraging programs that help people get and maintain jobs
-adequate healthcare for all
-the banning of abortion, except in cases of rape,incest,and threat of a mother's life
-promoted love and toleration for all (this means angry marches outside of clinics and slanderous words used towards the "immoral" are not proper ways of effecting change)
-an encouraging campaign for people to give directly to global causes (rather than just giving money to goverments who don't use it to help their people, or giving more money to the American government, out of necessity, rather than out of a loving sacrifice)
-encourage and enable people to make good means of their resources, recycle, and reduce the pollution that big and little companies make
-encourage the use of cars that don't require gasoline (being good stewards of our resources)
-encouraging and enabling small businesses to run, rather than just relying of huge corporations that exploit people's labor in developing countries
- less focus on celebrities in the media, and more focus on issues outside of consumer-material ideals
-give to non-prof organizations that truly do show that they help people
-use of ethics in politics, rather than politics driven on greed and image

there's probably a lot more to this dream party, but i'm ignorant on a whole lot of issues. anyways, this is just a list of ideals. but i really do think that most christians or morally ethic people i know have become apathetic to politics because of the extremism in parties. so, maybe it's time for a moderate party that can approach humanistic issues in practical ways i don't even know about, cause i'm politically dumb.

My cousin by marriage died Saturday night. I did not know him too well. He lived in Philadelphia with my cousin Lori. I visited them there a few years ago, and I was impressed by his historical knowledge of the city. Really bright guy. Really nice, too.

He was a heavy drinker. It was in his genes it seems, being an Irish Catholic. He was a very social guy, very fun. Alcohol however has created troubles for him over the years, especially in his marriage. He quit drinking last week. I guess he had enough.

Thursday night, he collaspes. He has no brain activity. I hear about it and am shocked, but it doesn't sink in.

Then on Saturday, he passed. He died so young.

I mourn for him, but especially my cousin Lori. I can not even imagine what she's going through right now. She lost her husband. Her husband who was just trying to fix things in their marriage. Her husband her loved her and has been with her for around 10 years. Dang.

I cannot even imagine.

I'm thousands of miles away right now from all of this. The funeral is this week. I obviously won't be in attendance. I wouldn't even know what to say to her. What words could possibly comfort her?

I know one thing I can do. Is pray. Pray that God captivates her life and surrounds her with his glory and love. I pray that through this difficult time, she can find dependence on Him, and have her lead her through, comforting her, as a husband would. Bring her through this time of mourning and heal her wounds.

I pray she recieves new life through God. I pray that he will use whatever vessel she needs to communicate God's care to here. Whether it be a friend, a family member, a book, a song, or just an impulse to start reading the Word.

I cannot even imagine how she feels, but I weep for her and her husband.

My brother's response.

I have a problem. And I need to pray my butt off for it. And if you'd like to pray for me as well, that'd be great.

I love that God put me at CNU, in these two years, I have grown in so many ways I never imagined. But, I feel like it's time to move on. I don't know if this is just an impulse, but it's a feeling that's been growing in me for a long time, so maybe it isn't.

I just feel like besides an amazing community of friends who have been so good to me, and Intervarsity, there is nothing there for me. I love theater so much, but I hate being a theater major. I honestly don't like the department, and I don't feel like I am passionate enough about the program to spend all my time in it like others do. I can't wait to take playwriting, but I could even do that without being a theater major.

The only other option? English. I have enough credits to continue in English as a major, instead of theater. I would probably concentrate in creative writing. Thinking about creative writing scares me, because I hate writing unless I am inspired. It would be extremely difficult for it to become a discipline for me.

I don't want Theater or English. I don't want any of the other programs at CNU. Not for four years.

What a girl to do? Transfer.

I know, I know. Yeah, right. I don't have the money to do that. I don't. My parents are not having the easiest time putting me through college. These past two years will be several thousand dollars down the drain for them, without me getting a degree. I want to get a degree, but my parents want it more for me, and want me to pursue it in the cheapest, easiest way- 4 years at CNU...I gotta obey that, right? Since they're the parents and the breadwinners.

By the way, if I transfer I know what I'd want to study. Either communication design or film, depending on where I go. I have no idea where to go. I looked at VCU, and it seems like transferring there is a bigger bitch than most places, as far as going into the arts. I'd have to submit a portfolio just to get in, even though I am not currently an art student. For film! Plus the program requirements would make a freshman for a long time.I was browsing, looking at Pacific Northwest College of Art, and it seems like it at least would possibly take my liberal arts credits, which I have a lot of. But that is in Portland, thousands of miles away from home, away from my family, away from my friends who I love so I dearly, and miss so much right now. Even though Portland is an ideal place for me to be, I need to look much closer to home.

Plus, I have no money.

So what else? Well, I think maybe after next semester, I might take a semester off. I am definitely gonna continue at CNU this semester, and am excited about going back when I do. And who knows, maybe when I go back, I'll stay for good. But I am seriously considering dropping out for a semester, to
a) work my butt off (to possibly afford transferring, and so my parents won't pay room and board for a semester that might be a waste of time)
b) pray. pray. pray. explore my options. apply to and visit colleges. pray God will open doors.
c)maybe take an art class at NOVA

I would absolutely hate being home, while I could be at CNU with my friends. I would abhor it. It would not be easy. Not in the slightest. But I know I need to be a good steward of my parents' money, and going to school for things that I am impassionate about is not gonna work. So that's maybe what will happen. Who knows? I'm petrified. CNU is so comfortable for me. CNU has been a home to me. I feel more at home there than I ever have felt among my Manassas community. Plus there's the issue of IV leadership. I made a committment to it. I am stoked about theater small group next semester and what God has in store for it. But I at least know that if I do lead, there are girls in the group who'd be fully capable of taking over. Afterall, Beth, Nicole, and I are not the leaders of the group. God is.

I don't cry usually when people leave or I leave people. But right now, thinking about leaving CNU is making me tear up. I really love it there. But it doesn't feel right for what I wanna do. It feels like a waste of my parents' money.

So, I am gonna go this next semester to see if I have any passion for it, academically. And if I don't, away I go.

God, I don't want to do this.

I wrote that last post in a heated moment, so let's get one thing clear.

The "we" I address are people who say they follow Christ. I realized after re-reading it, that it seems like I made the assumption that everyone has the same faith as I do, and obviously that isn't true. I was speaking to a christian audience.

I didn't get complaints yet, cause no one reads this.