Man, I hate it when people are not straight with me.
If someone thinks something will hurt me and doesn't tell me something because of that, that makes me feel worse then whatever news they weren't going to tell me. It says that I can't handle being hurt. And really, I get hurt most when people aren't straight with me. Whatever it is, by itself, is not normally a big deal to me. Not at all. This particular thing would've been nothing if EVERYONE involved who knew, just told me.

And I hate, hate, hate it when people make assumptions. Just because I don't make plans leap years ahead of time doesn't mean I won't make plans. And people need to tell me when they make plans that effect me. Because it EFFECTS me. It hurts most when I just happen to incidentally find out stuff just from browsing on facebook.

I am not someone who gets hurt quite often. Let me rephrase, I don't let people hurt me. I don't let people in quite enough to effect me. I know that's wrong. I know I need to be effected by people. That's part of life. But I usually don't until something escalates. And then I remember everything. And that's when it sucks the most.

Why do I feel like no one ever likes to truthfully communicate with me? I am very truthful and honest about my feelings when people just ask. And it's not like I'm ever imply, "Bitch, why you eff me up like that? You'll have nothing to do with me anymore!"

For example, I used to like a boy. (This is different from what was driving my anger expressed above). I liked him for awhile. I never told him when I did because I didn't want to be effected by a possible negative response. Well, it turns out he caught drift that I might like him, and thus avoided me. Just because of the possibility that I might read him the wrong way if he hung around. And I might've. But why couldn't both of us ever be straight about this, until it after past, and I said something? He's apologized for being a jerk about the avoidance, but I just shrugged it off like it was ok. And it wasn't, at least when I liked him, it wasn't. Why couldn't I just say that. Why do I always have to say that everything is ok? When I'm not OK! In keeping my usual distance from people, I had to shrug him off and not let his response effect me, cause guess what, emotions would have to be dealt with. I would have to deal with actual, non-passive, but active emotions.

So even when I try, and (this is not even the matter driving this entry) my distance does not allow me to be 100% straight with people, and they can't be straight with me. Why can't we all just learn how to communicate? Why do we have to be so sneaky?

It was hard for me to ask questions. It's easier for me to avoid the answers.

In one of my favorite movies, Amelie, the protagonist has to face this. Same as I, she doesn't want a reality check. She'd rather either be anonymously helping people or caught up in the own world she's created around her.

Towards the end, a friend gives her helpful advice, though not even in person but through the media of a video tape.

"So, my little Amélie, you don't have bones of glass. You can take life's knocks. If you let this chance pass, eventually, your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton."

In this context, this applies to a romantic situation she finds herself pursuing and then running away from. But this also applies to just about every interpersonal situation we find ourselves in. We or other people act like we are more fragile than in reality. And all that results from it is a dry, cold heart, distant from letting anyone truly infiltrate.


And so I, Janelle, must find some way out of this world I've found myself falling dreamily into. Maybe then people won't treat me as though I'm so fragile. Maybe then I can let people in.

The semester's coming to a close, and you know how I feel all this time went?
Wasted. wasted in crap. in not doing the things i really wanted.

anyhow, i feel totally withdrawn from campus life. and i can think of a few factors that we can plug in.

1) i live in a house, not in any residence halls
2) i'm in organizations that serve a narrow scope of people. not like they aren't great. i love them. but there is something i'm missing.
3) i'm an upperclassmen and so I don't give a crap (but then when I miss out, I do).
4) i am not yet totally immersed in my major. but unlike other majors, english people don't seem to be very social. at least with each other.

and so, there may be more. but those are the main things i can think of. i really like living in a house. i love the privacy. the intimacy. the space i have even if i have a small room (there's so many places in the house where my crap piles up).


and i mean, i know a lot of people. but I don't KNOW a lot of people. and it's so hard for me to crawl out of my turtle shell and reach the ones who I kinda sorta know. and i have very few guy friends. i mean, i have lots of guy friends. but as far as guys who i'm comfortable casually asking to hang out with me, there are 2, or 3. and i love them, but i am also sick of them. (i know, i know. but i think we all from time to time get sick of our good friends).

and as far as girl friends go. i have some very close friends. and i have enough. but. all of them are christians. all of them who i am close to. and i even spread myself out thinly between all my christian girl friends, when really, i should be branching out beyond them. but i get so dang comfortable in that group, cause they're accepting of my beliefs. it shouldn't be hard for me to hang around people with different beliefs and it isn't. but it's hard for me to get close to them, so i don't spend a lot of time hanging with them. probably because i'm scared. i'm scared of girls. they either are a) too catty b) too intimidating c) too petty. or all of the above. and then there's d) that a girl is actually a pretty cool person but spends her time doing things i wouldn't do and so in my mind, since i'm not comforable hanging out with her while doing these things, i place judgement on her, even though i don't act like i do.

and it's all wrong.

my scope of friends is way too narrow. i don't want to thin myself out to much. i just want to be more open to be better friends with people, that don't necessarily fall in my zone of comfort.

so as far as the non-christian clubs i'm in- cnu tonight, ecology, citizens of the world...i mean i only see these people in meetings...and aside from that don't really think about hanging out with them. or i mean to, and then i don't. or i'm shy. but even with being in these clubs, the whole friendship thing is still kinda outside my zone of comfort. and i want to go there, but i don't.

where is this bringing me too?

oh man. i'm gonna hear it for this. good thing not many people read this blog.

i'm thinking of joining a sorority.

haha. i know me, janelle. i'm an anti sorority queen. i have never been a fan of any of the things they do, cause it seems too silly and petty. except philanthropy. that's actually kinda cool. i have soroity friends who don't talk to me about rushing 'cause they know after all this time, i'll say no. they might shyly mention an event once in awhile and i'll act all nice about it and not show up. and sorority girls piss me off. don't get me wrong. i know some cool sorority girls who don't fit the mold. but being in a sorority means i get to deal with those girly, feminine, catty, materialistic archetypes i so love to avoid. or roll my eyes at in disgust.

plus joining a sorority means following conventions and rules. wearing my t-shirt with all of my sisters the same day. dressing up in cute party clothes i don't have. paying money for friends. joining a cult.

so why would i want to join a sorority?

sisterhood. i have sisterhood with my friends in christ. but no one else. i feel so exclusive. i feel so cut off. maybe it's time to let down my guard. to let down all the pretense, all the negative feelings i have. to lose my pride in my identity, for a new gain. to be actively involved something that requires me to go out and do stuff (cause believe me, it's hard doing it on your own). i really feel that next semester, i might just rush.


i cannot believe i'm thinking this. where is my mind? i don't even have the money for this.

My life this week was filled with intentional action. It feels good to be off my feet for once.

One thing, is that, I don't get involved with the campus cultural pursuits all too much. Strange because I am a person filled with passion for cultural things, but I don't partake in a lot of things that go on at my Campus (I guess one reason is that I sometimes feel like CNU is a joke anyways. But in fact, the students and faculty have been stepping up lately to make it a better place.)


So where is this bringing me to? I submitted some of my work to Currents, the campus literary magazine. Something I never thought to do before this semester, even though I love to write. Yesterday, even before the deadline, I found 3 poems that weren't too confessional (as every piece I write is either confessional or uber confessional), and then, inspired, I wrote another. I submitted four them. Even if they don't make it in, I still feel good about engaging myself in the campus arts culture. I hide too often in the christian sub-culture here.


I guess my free verse always shows that not much time is put into my piees. But I can't help but the love the fluidity of free verse so much more than imposed structure. Someday, I'll get into the pattern of rhyme scales, sonnets and iambic petameter. It's called English 353 (poetry writing) and it'll kick my butt.

With that said, I wrote this yesterday. In 10 minutes.

Here I am,
At last!
All alone.
The constant noise
of people flittering about
has now past.
Here I am.

What to do now?

When I’m with people
I talk
and listen
express
make jokes
share stories
share heartaches
play.
free being who I am
with everyone
but me.

now here I am.
alone again
free from the
social anxieties of the day
but wait.
anxiety is still a person
and here I am.
all alone.
a voice from within shouts out
“Stupid! Stupid!
You are stupid filth.”
I tremble,
and I cry,
and cry out
or I feel nothing at all
the pain is numb.
when I cry, I know I’m alive.

Slum Communities and a Vision for Winter Break

I want to go to Urbana. But right now, it doesn't look possible with needing to have a job for winter break, and needing money for a possible missions trip this summer. Afterall, that is what this conference is about, missions. So I will pick spending a ton of money on a missions trip over spending a ton of money for a conference about missions. But I still really wish I were going, especially when I discovered International Justice Mission this morning, and realized they're speaking at the conference. Then, I realized that a whole track at Urbana is about slum communities. I was looking through the track, and it seems really powerful and moving. And also disturbing. In a good, thought-provoking way. It made me really wish that I could go to Urbana. And then I started praying about it.

And God told me that I can start where I am. That I have resources available to help me investigate and educate myself, if I really took the time on my own to pray and care about it, it could be so much more valuable to me. And then, when my friends who go to Urbana come back, they'll have at least one person who is like-minded who they can talk to about Urbana, sharing with me the things that God taught them, so that I can learn, as I share with them whatever God has been teaching me.

I am dedicating my winter break to God. To even in my shallow, suburban surroundings, to learn about his Kingdom, and to pay attention to it. To paying attention to the places, the margins, where churches so often ignore people. Not only will I spend time when I'm not in work, reading about the slums to educate myself. Which will be Good. But I'm gonna do something. I need to something. I need to stop being inactive.

Here's the plan-
Take every Saturday off from work. Go to DC. Into the most wretched parts. Talk to people. Feed people. Listen to them. Love them.

Cause Jesus would.

I am not sure how this will look yet. I am looking into finding a missions organization based in DC to work with. Also, going alone would freak out my parents. One little girl wandering around the DC ghetto doesn't sound very good. I want to find other people to do this with me. Who is committed. Every Saturday.

Anyone want in?

crying has been good. i have been crying a lot.

my apathy that has been defining me is slowly dissipating.

on that same note of apathy, my play is coming along. i was pretty frusterated,because i had writers block for a good two or three weeks.

i am in a desperate search for jobs. one for winter break, and one for when i come back from winter break. i have always taken my parents income for granted. now is the time for me to step up. i am scared though. part-time work and i have always clashed. they want you to have a particular mindset that goes against every grain of my being. i speak a tad bit too dramatically sometimes, but part-time work does not get along with me. on the other hand, there are certain jobs out there i can do, but those require a college education most of the time. part-time, let me get by jobs are shit. i hate them. but i need to suck it up and just do it.

i want to go to Kenya. this summer.

if it's in God's will, i am sure it can happen.

money is an issue. but it isn't.

i'm taking everything into consideration.

1) God provides
2) Trust God
3) think of the rich, young ruler
4) investigate my resources
- i can get a job over break -
-it's an IV global project (therefor my IV chapter must help me raise the money).
-if i do STIM, i can raise money with a group, communally.
- i have a friend who wants to do it too, and we're gonna pray about it. (aside from the fact the trip requires 2 people from the same school)

The description sounds rockin'. I would get to live with church leaders, i will get to work with other students, i would possibly get the chance to teach kids in orphanages.

and i just need to get out of this culture. and learn about a new one. or ones (as kenya has much diversity).


now, i need to convince my parents.

and pray.

praylikemad.

This weekend. I could probably write 20 pages about it. But, I'll keep it brief, biblical, and beneficial.

It was Intervarsity 222 conference, pretty much right down the road. I did not want to go. I was set against it. It was the last thing I wanted to do.

I finally decided to go. And for my track, I did journey. Which was good, very basic. And I needed that. So badly.

It seems that part of me has forgotten what it is to be a Christ follower. Lately, I've been too comfortable screaming in the dark. This weekend, I made a serious recommittment. And I'm determined to follow through.

There's so much to say.

1) I always forget...

grace + nothing= right standing with God

2) silence is golden. I should spend more time in silence before God to actually listen to him. there's so much noise. especially music and technology (this stupid computer).

3) the story of the prodigal son really gets to me. it really irks my flesh (Luke 15). It always seemed to me that the lost son got more reward than the loyal son. in my life, i've felt like the loyal son. and then part of me still feels like the lost son, even though I've always been at "home". ugh. i don't feel like typing out everything about this passage right now. so if you want more unloaded, just ask.

3) i have real problems with anger. i have a cold heart, especially towards other girls. my relationships with the same gender are just not as close as they should be. i harbor a great deal of resentment. i pinpointed the root of it, which i can't really express adequately on a public blog, so if you want more unloaded, then once again, please ask.

4) the last point comes down to essentially two things
-forgiveness
-humbling myself. letting down my pride. getting my high horse. i value my identity and opinions too much. even over Christ. i need that stipped away.

with those two things, maybe reconcilation can take place. and this isn't just with girls. but with the other gender too, especially my closest relationships.

This is all seems very straight-forward and list-like. But I'm struggling with a great deal of emotions dealing with these things. Lately, it's just been, just been ugh. So in the dark. I just want to be in light. I want to be completely transformed. I had a really good cry last night, in talking to people I didn't even know until this weekend (my small group for the weekend). I hate crying in front of people, but honestly in just felt good to let go. There was only one person I knew in the small group, but I never knew him all too well, or his story leading to him knowing Christ. It was good that he was in my group because he went to my high school. It's amazing to see how Christ has transformed someone I used to know as someone else. I don't get to see that too often. It's really encouraging. I really liked everyone in my small group, and was able to rejoice with them in their sorrows and joys.

I am letting go now.



on a completely different note, a lot of my roommates are catching on to my love for organic and yummy foods at Trader Joe's. They're shopping there and even keep talking about it. Now if only I could be as excited about Christ to other friends as I am for Trader Joe's.



" I could more easily contain Niagra Falls in a tea cup than I can comprehend the wild, uncontainable love of God. If our faith is going to be criticized, let it be for the right reasons. Not because we are too emotional but because we are not emotional enough; not because our passions are so powerful but because they are so puny; not because we are too affectionate but because we lack a deep, passionate, uncompromising affection for Jesus Christ."
-The Ragamuffin Gospel

my mind is changing every day.

i feel I'm failing at any attempt of clarity.

but maybe it's good that life is a bit foggy and ambiguous?


my mind is changing everyday.

i feel like i have to make a life-changing decision within a week's time.
i know that's actually nuts. but the pressure's building, gearing my thoughts to rush and run around.

God, GIVE ME CLARITY!

no?

ok.

!!!!mid-college freak-out!!!!

it's reached that point, where i'm starting to feel a certain amount of heftiness. i didn't have much of a plan going into college. my plan originally was to go to cnu 2 years then transfer to film school. obviously, that didn't work out. during that time, i was trying to figure out what to do, cause i still wanted to study film. so i decided to major in theater, with directing and dramatic lit. i figured it'd be a good segue into grad school for film. uh, that turned out to be extremely negative. theater was not what i thought it'd be. and i thought it completely worthless spending all my time on things that had nothing to do with me wanting to be a theater major- like 4 hours of tech work a week! what the crap?! 4 semesters of backstage practicum! that added to all the expectations of my concentration and the stuff that theater students were highly encouraged to do. i wanted to die. and i didn't end that last semester well. I'm not used to seeing C's after putting forth SO much sweat and pain.

after last semester, i had a crisis. did not know what to do. transfer out of cnu? it was too late. i knew my only other option was to be an english major, and for some reason, i was totally opposed to it. but i felt pretty dang good, when i decided to do creative writing. it's something people always encourage me with, cause apparently, i can't write well. and i like it.
so, that was said and done.

and then, my epiphany came. i want to teach! i was so excited. until my roomie who is a grad student in the MAT program started talking about all the requirements. i started to freak out. ok, so i'll just, just to have add another semester here, or do some summer school, but i can get it done! even when faced with the realities of MAT and teaching my roomie was informing me of, i still felt very sure that i had to just go for it.

until friday. i met with one of the MAT advisors. and thus, i am no longer sure if MAT is for me. she told me of my the requirements. for me to be a high school english teacher, i would have to take several, several classes that i wasn't going to take. it's almost like adding on another concentration to my english major, thus double majoring. plus i have a double minor already in process, which the advisor was not to excited to hear. adding all of this together, i should be out of CNU at age 27.

so what do i do? drop creative writing?

i really, really don't want to that. plus creative writing really only requires 5 classes plus any other upper level english classes that go in. but just imagine- i would have to take a really intense fiction writing class and some grammar class (that would drive me mad) and a 30 hour classroom lab all at once, plus two other classes.

i really have to consider something. the MAT program only covers two types of traditional education. K-6 and 6-12. am i absolutely positive i want to teach high school or middle school?? i have no clue if i want to teach either, i just know i want to teach, and MAT is the fastest way to guarantee me a job. but this program is sooo...anally retentive. there is so much red tape, and so much that goes with getting into the program. plus, the public school system from what i hear and have experienced is, too, anally retentive. i just, won't be able to stand it. I am way too type B. If i teach, i want to teach kids things that i care about and they do or will probably care about. i don't want to worry about outside pressure of achievement scores in testing, like SOL. i hate the SOLs. hate. hate. hate. cause i really feel like they ruined my secondary education. most of my teachers were so geared for teaching for the SOLs, they didn't do anything else. it sucked.

so, do i really want to be a teacher for the state of Virginia? not really, i think. but it just feels like the most realistic thing for a job for me after school. haha. i know it's funny. janelle thinking realistically. but you what? all the dreams i've had for after college, they demand money. going to film school, going to italy, doing mission work in third world countries, moving to Portland, even just working for a church (cause God knows ministers don't make a lotta money. My IV staff workers have to fund raise their money). i have no money. and i'm realizing that my parents don't have limitless resources for me to draw from. i'm realizing i'm lucky enough being put through school. all my idealistic dreams can't be met without money. funny, cause i hate money. i hate 9-5 office jobs. i hate doing the same mundane tasks for hours on end. i hate high pressure jobs. where people are always waiting on you to get them stuff. and the line never ends. i'm just not cut out for an average job.

but one reason why i don't want to be a virginia public school teacher right away, is that i feel the next few years after college will be the only time i have to pursue my dreams. think about it. someday i'll meet the man i want to marry. this man, if i get that lucky, will ask me to marry him. then we'll SETTLE DOWN. i hate that. i hate those words. it implies so much. husband will go and be a breadwinner. so we can have a big house for our kids, who i would have to most likely stay home with, if i want them to turn out alright. i'll never see my husband, cause he'll be too busy trying to provide stuff for us. and my life will be in constant control of my kids. i wouldn't be able just to go on a random trip or go live in africa whenever i feel like it. i'll have lives to be responsible for. we'll live in some boring house, in a boring neighborhood, that looks like every house and every neighborhood in America. all my friends will be doing the same thing. and we'll get together to talk about stupid, American dream-oriented things. and i'll become a rigid conservative, cause all i'll care about is my own security.

and it'll be all because money will keep us there. keep us away from pursuing dreams else where. keep us away from people who are in need. keep us away from any unpredictability and excitement. even if the guy i marry has the same dreams as i, we'd still not have the money.

teaching seems to be the only way, but traditional, i just can't do.

an afterthought
of course this freak out is natural. it's part of my flesh.

but i'm called beyond that.

and people always remind me. sherwin told me to read this after reading this post.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

Let your gentleness be evident to all.
The Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally brothers and sisters,
whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable
- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -
think about such things.

Whatever you have learned or recieved, or heard from, or seen in me - put it into practice.

And the God of peace will be with you.

For play pitch, see entry below

I’m back to the personal stuff.

Lately, I’ve been feeling weird about guys. Cause usually, I have some guy friends who I am pretty tight with. More recently though, I don’t feel “tight” with anyone and that really, kinda bothers me. I am becoming really, really comfortable being single, and I don’t find myself really looking for a boyfriend. I just want guy friends. So benificial to have. I feel like part of me is missing without the role of platonic friends.

It’s not like I don’t have any guy friends, I just feel myself drifting apart from all of them. And I don’t like that. Especially with my Christian friends. I feel like they are always seen on two extremes: as womanizers or asexuals. Now, I know that most of my friends don’t fall on either of these, but they try so hard not to be one of them, that they’ll end up seeming to be another, or just really really big awkwardness will ensue.

My guy friends who are hooked or have been recently hooked up are a different story. I am not an imposing threat on them, but then again I am, cause their girlfriend needs to be the one girl they invest all their energy in. True? In a way, yes.

I feel like some guys are scared that if we get too close, I’ll get a crush on them (or they’ll get a crush on me), but that’s dumb. Why do people have to see everyone of the opposite gender as an option? I look around me, and like, 95% of the guys at CNU will never ever be options. And on my part, it’s not like I’m a model-like, flirty vixen, out to prey on any unassuming victim. I’m a stout, funny/awkward, low-maintenance chick who’d rather just have guys around more to shoot cut-down jokes at, talk about nerdy topics, philosophize, play poker, smoke a black, and once in awhile get an inside perspective on stuff. I have not played poker, or any other dude games at all this year. I feel so guy friend deprived, that it’s contributing to my introverted awkwardness I’ve felt around people lately.

At home, I really only hang out with guys when I do decide to socialize. This summer in Portland, some of my closest friends were guys and I did not feel a bit attracted to any of them (so great!), I grew up with boys. I need them to function as who the true Janelle really is.

I ate lunch with some guys today. It was weird. Cause of awkward conversation. And especially since one of them and I used to talk to a lot, in a completely buddy-like, not romantic manner. But we had really good conversations coming from two different perspectives. And I really liked that. I could also talk to him about things that we both really liked. It’s hard to find guy friends who share the same interests. Nowadays, since I hardly see him, I can’t have any buddy talks with him. Trying to conversate with him now is awkward cause it’s so few and far between. I miss hanging out with him, but I every time I try to initiate that, he just seems to avoid me.

It feels like everyone is avoiding me. And I do it too. I fear guys who appear to be coming on too strong, and I put up a guard. WE SHOULDN’T BE DOING THIS.
I hope this blog will get me my guy friends back.

I am taking playwriting seminar this semester. For this class I must write a 10-minute one-act, oh what you call it, play.

Tonight was the night to pitch ideas. In a perfect world. I found myself aggravated by continual prolonging of the idea session, of which we were each supposed to pitch 2 ideas tonight. Only half the class ended up pitching 1.

My point? (which is not the annoyance)

I actually very badly wanted to pitch one of my ideas tonight. So much that I was practically falling out of my chair, anticipating my turn to run my thoughts. This is not because I think I have some genius idea, and that it is the best one ever. It's because I have an idea for a play that might be mediocre, but I'm burning to write, and I wanted feedback. I wanted ideas to how this could be staged. And I wanted to know if this could even work.

And I went home with nothing.

And so. If you would be so nice, I will propose my pitch right now to whoever might read this blog. All 3 of you (but that's better than non).

working title- Drink Your Coffee, It’ll all be OK.
This will probably end up being a satire, with some black comedy and some absurdism rooted in it.

Broad Stroke (theme):

Apathy is one of the biggest diseases of this generation. The only way to break out of this apathy and truly live is to die to your old life.


Stasis:

Normal, comfortable college campus, named Freedom University, slightly isolated from everywhere else, in a bubble. Angela is a student there, privileged and wealthy, and deeply in love with her boyfriend, she wants to marry. Her world is in perfect oblivion. Nothing bad can happen.

Intrusion:
Angela starts to notice that people are falling down, dying. And no one is doing anything about it, except when the bodies get removed. Not many around her notices these bodies. And when they do, they just go on with their lives.

Fight: Angela must overcome her fear of people andself-consciousness of her lisp to get people to understand what’s happening and do something about it. Her boyfriend acts as a barrier to this, as he has always served to protect her and give her confidence.

It isn’t until poor students get kicked out of housing that anyone decides to start fighting the administration, who is behind these deaths. Angela tries to figure out what she can actively do, but gets even more confused when her boyfriend starts urging her to marry him. He wants to protect her to get away from the messy life of the now flawed campus, but she wants to stay and help out.

Angela finds out that if she gives away everything she has and gets the other wealthy students to share, they can stop the death and poverty. Even when she reaches this realization, she sees that more than money must be given, and she doesn't know what.

Crisis
She has to decide though to give away everything or to leave and marry her boyfriend, and live a comfortable American dream.

So that's it.
The major issue this play is addressing is the human rights crimes made around the world that we are daily ignorant to in our sheltered culture. The genocide/plague that persists will be made to parallel the events occurring in Sudan. The satire will hopefully encourage people to think about their living situations, how lucky we really are, and think about giving away their hearts, their lives to help people who are suffering and promote a movement against apathy in American youth/young adult culture.

I have a general idea here. And I think this is unique and interesting to see on stage, but I'm not sure how to flesh it out for the stage. So any suggestions would be wonderful.

Thank you.

i've meant to post these poems up on here since i wrote them a couple weeks ago, while I was too distracted by myself to pay attention at IV and CNU Tonight practice. as i typed them, i did make minor changes, but, they're not very good. sometimes it's just therapeutic to release your true feelings through shitty poetry.

knowing

I look around me
all I see is familiar,
here in this room.
A few I don't know
and I feel confidence
the majority I do know.
but wait?
why do I have confidence
in knowing them?
I step outside here
and I know few
too few
outside these walls
of people singing
shiny faces
and with all my knowing
i feel so alone
this place
is it my hiding place?
a place to trick people
that I know
what it is to be alive?

here and there

I'm here.
I promise.
What,
just because there's no
cheery smile and
hearty hello,
I'm upset?
I'm disturbed?
Doomed?
Yeah,
I'm here.
Not myself,
but not bad..
just present, I guess.
Watch my eyes as they shine
briefly
then glance away in disinterest;
cause right now
I'd rather be still
and just breathe.
So,
I am here
and you are there,
where you can stay.

words. words. words.

words flow from my lips.
silly words. awkward.
I-I try to correct myself.
Try to make it right.
What need?
In my mind,
will I ever be right?

words roll off my tongue.
silly words make
awkward conversation
Don't know what I'm sayinh.
or if this person
really matters.
and,
does he care
how awkward I am?

words pour out of me.
and i can't help myself.
silly. awkward. obscure.
I say what I think;
when I don't,
the words stumble
and ceases to continue.
That is when
I feel the most awkward.

Methods
I turn up the volume
as high as the morning'll alow
even muster up a dance
as i change into my green dress.
I set the coffee pot on --
top priority.
My! how deliciously potent it'll be!
the aroma itself
awakens and excites.
I instant message,
as my friends and I
exchange wits.
the coffee is ready--
here I come!
dash of creamer,
dash of cinnamon
and it's there.
I sit down. just sit
sipping the hot liquid
filling my mouth
and empty stomach.
Disappointed by
its lack of expected potency,
I laugh to myself,
"Yeahhhh, I'll need this
again in a few hours!"
Then get up, make away
back to the computer,
where my life is awaiting.
what a life.

home, sweet home.

i guess it's nice to take a break away from the college world, but everytime i go home, suburbia effects me either harder. here are things i do everytime i go back home.

1) watch tv.

i never ever watch tv at school. i refuse to. in fact, all we have at my house is basic cable and i like it that way. but then there's home. we have like 3 enormous TVs. complete with surround sound, TiVo, HD and all the sports channels known to man. well at least one of televisions has all those components. and the TV is always on. i got yelled at for turning the stereo to the TV off earlier. apparently, it hurts the system. so when the tv goes off, it actually isn't off, the screen is off, and the stereo is turned down lower. what a waste of energy is what i think to myself. but i always have to respect that these things are not mine so I do not have control over them. anyhoo. i watch a heck of a lot of TV when I am home. and it's mostly out of consent to things I hate, just to be with my family. Like today, I watched the Bachelor in Rome on Tivo with my mom. That show represents why I hate tv. Also, my mom likes to watch shows about houses. Whether it's decorating a house, or just looking at houses. usually, the bigger, the better. i don't have anything against house dwelling, i just think it shows how sadly devoted our culture is to the American Dream to have shows about people house hunting in suburbia.

what i do like on TV, when I watch it, are things that entertain or inform. If they do both, that's even better. When I'm home, I like to watch Degrassi. The show is terribly melodramatic, shows kids in unrealistic situations, but I like it cause I can laugh at its ridiculousness. It's so bad, it's good. I just watched a whole episode of the Office today. I didn't get any plot out of it, but I loved it! It just satires office life so well!! Finally something that is humorous makes its way back on the tube. I have not gotten into Lost or Grey's Anatomy, and I don't think I ever will, honestly, although I am glad that scripted drama that is not the OC has made its way back on TV. And I like to watch the History channel. It contains a wealth of obscure information. Amazing. I check channels like Comedy Central, TBS, Fox Family, for any silly movies to watch. If I wanna watch anything good, I check AMC, Bravo, or any of the classic movie channels.

ok, number 1 was much longer than i anticipated.

2) eat a lot of food.

I wasn't expecting this, this time cause I just went vegetarian this summer. However, yesterday, my parents concocted a vegetarian feast in honor of my homecoming. Eggplant parmesan, veggie pizza, rotini, salad. OMG, so good. Also, if I happen to see friends, I can guaratee you it'll over food. Northern Virginians sure do eat out a lot. Whenever we get together, we get together to consume. I don't know if I'll be doing much of this, this weekend, but I did go to an Indian buffet today with Adam, Scott, and their friend Jessica. Typically the places to go are IHOP, Tony's or some other place with greasy food. There is always a visit to Coldstone with one of my old female comrades.

3) smoke at starbucks.

i haven't done it yet this weekend, and i don't know if i will, but i end up doing this at least once, each time I'm in nova. Starbucks is literally the only place in town aside from greasy restaurants youngsters will hang out at. many people don't just drink coffee there. They sit until past close, chain smoking and talking about mainly pretty dumb stuff. A couple of my friends partake in this culture, so when I wanna hang out with them, I do it too. However, everytime I go, I run into asses who I butt heads with. I think a lot of the youngsters there are just extremely bitter cause they haven't gotten out of Manahole yet.

4) get into friendly arguments with my dad about politics. these can be triggered by just about any topic.

5) drink wine and smoke a cigar with my dad on the porch

6) fight for the TV to be turned off so I can read

7) go to churches I really don't like just so I can see old friends

8) drive a car, though not for very long.

i used to drive around much more in my NOVA visits, but when my brother Mark moved out, he took the car I would drive. My parents get pretty anal when it comes to me driving their cars, and since last summer, my driving has been reduced to non.

9) get asked about my weight

EVERYTIME I come home. it's either, "oh, you lost weight". or, "oh do you think you gained or lost weight?"(which means I gained)
this comes from everyone in my family, especially my mom.

10) sleep with my dog
this is one of the better things about my stays at home

11) take random pictures of myself for facebook or myspace

i tend to do this only when I'm home. sometimes i even get made up to do it.

12) see at least one old friend I get in an awkward conversation with

13) stay at home, mainly being anti-social

14) watch a lot of movies

15) complain about Manassas

ok, so i was confused. sabbath week is next week. oh well.

i find the E in my ENFP personality type turning into an I. i always on the borderline. something's been changing in me ever since I got back to CNU. i don't have the same drive to be the social butterfly i once was and be bffs with 20 people. i was way too spread out between too many committments and a very wide social circle. i had so many friends that i felt even more disconnected.

and i still feel that way. but lately, the I in me has been acting out against it. i'm just not the same anymore. i sit outside of groups i'm with. last week, at CNU TONiGHT rehearsal, i wrote 4 poems without paying attention to pretty much anyone. at IV large group, I always feel overwhelmed and distracted by the amount of people there. I don't go out of my way anymore to greet every single person i know. last week i just stood against the wall the whole time. i'm not even exagerrating. i talked to people, but fewer, and with more quality rather than quantity. it's starting to get really hard to engage in worship at large group. i just feel suffocated by people. and then there was the IV trip to the beach, which I was looking forward to. i didn't find myself liking sitting around in big groups of people. and every time i've been speaking up lately it's some opinion like knowing where your meat comes off.

i'm coming to absolutely despise everything about small talk. i want to engage in active, meaningful conversation. so my small talk has become opinionated, semi-political banter. or i'd start freaking out about a book i'm reading, or some really obscure story about my day. i absolutely hate small talk and want to avoid it whenever possible.

my walks around campus to and fro things are usually filled with these meaningless conversations. and i usually end up annoying myself with my meaningless perkiness that comes up through these. you know what i'm talking about.
hi, how are you?
great and you?
great!
well, that's great!

ughhhhhhhhh. i saw probably a hundred people i knew today just walking around. and i was not in a rush or anything, but i just didn't feel like addressing any of them. or wearing my shiny happy face. and i didn't. and it felt strangely hostile. but man, i just want to avoid fake conversation.

another part of my I, is my lack of attention whoring. i really don't a damn anymore who pays attention to me and who doesn't. sometimes, being in the spotlight can just be overwhelming. people expect me to be the this little burst of energy...and most of the time, it just isn't me. so i'm not into trying to captivate people's attention anymore by my simple means of ridiculousness. the people who really matter will pay attention to me anyways. i don't need to be a campus celebrity.

and i feel, so, so very exhausted by people. and it's making loose, laid-back janelle into someone who is uptight and wants structure. and i want to be left alone to my thoughts without anyone asking if i'm alright, because i'm fine damnit, i just want some time to "be". i don't think that every moment calls for a conversation.

anyhow, this is how i'm changing into an introvert, an INFP. it's bringing some good and bad things into my life. good that i want closer and fewer friends and more authenticity. bad that i'm growing very dry, wary, exhausted and cynical. so i'm not as perky as a janelle as i was, i still gotta fight for my joy. i can't let those emotions overtake who i am. it's too easy and i'd end up hating people.

with the wrong attitude, this week could be the week from hell. even though all IV meetings and small groups are cancelled due to our appointed sabbath week. with that i kinda think, "wooo! more time to do my homework in this week of disaster!" but really, I realize I make way too much out of my busyness. when i get busy, i turn into a monster. and i don't really stop, except to do meaningless crap, like check my myspace a thousand times. i need to just stop and be, and be with God. and so that's what I need to do this week.

with that, the CNU TONiGHT show is this week. lots and lots and lots of rehearsal. tonight. tomorrow night. and then tuesday night show. i am overwhelmed by this, considering that this is midterms week. but i just need to keep moving forward and not worry so damn much. and take time to pray and just be.

and i want to whine a lot more, but i'll stop.

tonight, I went to By Grace Community Church for the first time. it was at the monastey, which i have never been to, but have seen pictures and video when I've been to Hope community. the monastery is a home to several churches, with a vision of being a unified body of churches in the area. the chapel inside is beautiful. i thought to myself that i had't been in a church that was so aesthetically pleasing and yet simple...not too ornate.

for the first part of the service i was distracted. there were so many young people (and some older people) all packed into a small room, and my eyes tend to wander a lot, and my eyes tend to want to scope things out. i hate that i do that, but it do it all the time at church or IV. when i'm used to being at a place, i don't do it as much, so hopefully, i'll stop at some point.

when Kevin Hass started speaking, I realized how much I've missed his talks. when he said we were gonna look at Luke 5, cole and I started to laugh cause we had just studied the passage this week in small group. yet, he went beyond just the bare bones of what we pulled out, and went straight for the heart of the passage. the part that hit me the most was the application. he asked us how we are to use our gifts to serve the Kingdom of God. something i thought about a lot this summer. and yet, it really hit home to me, cause of my recent call to teach. honestly, i have never felt called by God to specifically do anything. and teaching was always last on my list. but i have this weird feeling as though i am being called. the more i think and pray about it, the more i want to teach. and there are many things that freak me out about it.

and another thing he asked was what are we going to leave behind to pursue our calling. now this is where it gets hard. i hate letting go of things, but the disciples were people too and left behind everything. but i realized why i am being called to teach. God is calling me out of what I've wanted to do. and you may ask what. and i also had been asking what. but at the core of everything i had been considering in my past- writing, making film, acting, directing, etc...it's all been directed for my glory. i've always wanted to be someone big. someone significant to history. i've always wanted to be remembered. so i wanted fame. even when i wouldn't admit it, everything i was going for was for me. i didn't want it anymore, i didn't. but everything i was pursuing was otherwise. and then God gave me a way out. what do i have to give up to teach? my secret yearning for glory. it means nothing. its rubbish. and i've been tricked by it all these years.

and just now, as i'm realizing that i have potential. i'm not feeling short-changed in my gifts. i don't consistently feel like an idiot. now is the time God is calling me to step away from what I wanted with those gifts. this is so incredibly humbling.

i don't feel equipped to teach. i don't. but then i do. i learn so many things, and my greatest desire is to SHARE. share them with people. i remember wanting to be a teacher as a little girl. i don't really remember why. i guess i felt so inspired by everything i was learning. i loved to learn. and now, i'm coming back to this childhood desire. i never wanted fame until i stopped wanting to teach. that was 3rd grade. heh!

i was thinking all these things went Hass was talking about the call to follow Christ. then when his talk was done, the first song we sang was "the famous one." i laughed out loud at the irony.

"You are the Lord,
The Famous One, Famous One
Great is Your name in all the earth
The heavens declare You're glorious, glorious
Great is Your fame beyond the earth"

i have a hard time realizing this. that these words ring false in my ears unless i let go of my glory.

oh, and it was so cool watching the lightning show through the chapel windows and hearing the thunder right above us. at the end as this elder was praying a beautiful prayer, it started raining. the rain poured down harder and harder as he prayed, and just as he said
"Amen," the lights went out, for just a second. i felt God's presence. so strong.

Today, I had a revelation: I want to teach. Teach what? Maybe English, but I don't want to just teach about English, but a more broad spectrum of things- ranging from drama, art history, religion, philosophy, etc etc. I guess English teachers could very well incorporate different subjects into it though, since my lit prof took my class on a tour of the campus architecture a couple days ago.

This is funny. When I was little, I mean LITTLE, I wanted to teach. But then that desire completely went away. And in high school, I joined the FEA (future educators of America) but I think that was just because I liked my teacher who was running it. We were friends. She was my English writing teacher. Go figure. One of my friends, Shawnee had commented on how I'd be a great teacher. She said that everyone would complain about how I didn't make sense until they scored advanced on their SOLs. When I got to college, I still had no desire to teach.

Until today.

It was no big event, not any at all. I was sitting in lit class. I was getting my books together. It wasn't a special class. I mean, I was sitting there, listening to things my classmates had to say that were interesting. And I was interested, rather than wanting to shoot them. And then when I got up I had a random surge in my heart to teach.

I forgot about this. And then Lindsey and I watched Looney Tunes today. We were watching this one about Daffy Duck trying to fight against what his animator was doing to him, but to no avail. He was the one being animated. When I saw, I thought, if I taught a class about existentialism, I'd show this cartoon.

And it got me thinking about the weird things I think up and how I always want to share them with people. And my creative energies. Yes, I like to write. Yes, I like to create. But limiting it to just that wouldn't be good. I am a girl filled with creative visions that is beyond just creating art, it's creating good, functional things. I was thinking about where they'd best fit into a job. I'd say teaching is one. Maybe the one. I also have had thoughts that I want form a school. I look around this one, and I see what I would do different, as far as what it is.

I don't know who I'd teach or where I'd teach. I have always wanted to live abroad, but I think that would be the hardest, teaching people who I don't understand. Communicating would be difficult. I also have wanted to go on the missions field, maybe teaching would come in hand there. Or maybe teach in the inner city? Or teach a bunch of spoiled over- educated kids? I kinda wanna be a prof. So, today I had a vision. But I have to do a lot more praying and waiting to discover the details.

Neverthless, I'm excited. I never ever thought I'd say that again. That I want to teach.

This somewhat resembles the tatoo I want to get. I always liked tatoos, but never felt inspired by anything to want to get it inked permanently. The original idea of this design was inspired a couple weeks ago at IV. In Beth's talk, she spoke about two types of fear in the Bible. One was fear as in being afraid, and running away. The other was yira- being in total awe and reverence of God. The word rolled off the tongue so loverly, yira. Nicole and I both were marveled at that word we just learned. She said that would be a good tatoo. And she wrote it on her hand. Yira Yahweh. And we both agreed it'd be a good tatoo.

At church this morning, I got inspired. Yahweh turns into YHWH, like the original text. I have heard it said before that since the name of God was indistinguishable, He gave this name to Moses, which wasn't meant to be said phonetically, but breathed in and out. YH (inhale), WH(exhale). Breathing in God is a very beautiful thing to me. It keeps me focused on Him, and it silences my inner distractions. You could even say it's very zen-like. When we come to God, clearing away our minds, and all the junk we are thinking is usually the best way to be able to connect. I often forget this. Having YHWH inked somewhere that I can would set a good reminder to me.


Yira. I often fear God, and fear things. But it isn't that yira fear. It's the other. I flee away from him, hiding from him, too scared to be in his prescense. In place of yira fearing God, I fear other things- school, relationships, myself. All these fears culminate, distracting me from God's perfect love. The fear spoke of in 1 John 4 is this. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."I want to fear God, not being afraid of him. But being in total awe of his power and sovereignty set before me. I want to bow before God and his majesty, not on the material things I set in his way.

The yira fear of God comes up numerous times in scripture. One of the earliest instances is when Abraham submits, willing to give his most precious possession, his son, up to God.

Genesis 22:2
Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."

Abraham follows orders because he trusts God and knows that He is looking out for him. He sets God first above all else, shown as he is willing to give up his one and only son.

vs 10-12
Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!"
"Here I am," he replied

"Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."

fear God= yira YHWH

To live life without withholding from God in full worship to glorify Him is Yira.

what's more is that it's Jesus showing up here to intervene Abraham's sacrifice. Jesus is God in man's form. The Angel of the LORD, is not just an ordinary angel. It doesn't say AN angel of the LORD, it says THE. And also how else could the angel say that you have not withheld from "me" unless this angel was also God? So it has to be Christ. What's so weird, and how this all connects, is that God does give his son up to save the world. He sent Christ to die on a tree. This was the true sacrifice, this story leads to.

And that'd be the part that completes the tatoo. The completeness in Christ's death on the tree makes us able to yira yahweh. This tree (cross) has several layers. When we have Christ, we start off as seeds, and grow into trees, bearing much of his fruit- love, joy, peace, patience, gentlness, and self-control. We start off small, and it is only through Christ that we grow into big thick beautiful trees. We continue to grow. It is in Him, and his redeeming love that we can have life, life to the fullest. And experience eternity now.

I feel connected to nature, what God has created. The ground I walk on, the trees I see. I love trees. They are a beautiful symbol of what it is to have life. God's love and the nature of the cross is seen in his creation. The Tree of Life. What can I say, I'm a tree hugger.

Another thing a I see a tree a symbol of, is community. We are all different parts of the tree- the roots, the stump, the branches, the plant life, without each other, we are not able to function. Do you ever see a tree without a stump, or without at least 3 branches. Trees show that the best way to live is not individually, but in community.

I never wanted a specific tatoo. This one has so many layers to me, and is so personal to my existence as a human being, that I really am excited for the day I get it inked. Which won't be anytime soon, cause I have no money. When I get a job, I'll start setting aside increments of money towards, it and hopefully get it done by a friend I can help support, or someone working for a good cause. I had thought for awhile that getting inked would be a big waste of money, but not if it goes towards something good.

Up and above is the design, in Janelle fooling around on Paint form. I'll get one of my artistic friends to take the concept and make it prettier. I want the tatoo somewhere I can see it, but I'm not sure where. My ideal place is vertically on my wrist. Yet, that'll hurt a lot. We'll see when the time comes!

"Was the Facebook revolt the sign of growing revolutionary activism among the Internet generation? Not really. Granted, the protests got Facebook to back down: the website modified its News Feed, and students feel that their privacy has been restored. But all the students did was click a button to join an Anti-News Feed group on Facebook or sign the online petition — a protest that took less than a minute. There were no massive demonstrations or a significant boycott. Facebook’s membership has continued to increase every day since the News Feed was implemented. And were Facebook itself not the subject of the protests, it’s unlikely that the students’ actions would have brought such a quick result."

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1533289,00.html

we are being mocked by facebook itself.
it's time to delete your facebook account. join with me.

late night entries are dangerous
but when i cannot sleep, i must write something, somewhere.
and for some reason, i feel solace in sharing my thoughts with the world.
writing is how i connect with god, and how i connect with the world.
"as above, so below"

right now, i'm facing a lot of good times. and a lot of uncertainties.
my life has been packed, with good friends, good times, good bible studies, good prayers. god's been good, basically.

and i keep wanting more. i keep grabbing and grabbing at air. i keep fleeing.
why is this?

at the root of the problem, is my need for god. but i replace this need with a want. boys. a couple entries down you'll see my take on it. and i'm not so sure if it's very wise. cause i have seen myself put into situations with boys that ended with me in guilt and remorse. for the boy and for me. as one of my good, honest friends put it, it's a matter of guarding one another's hearts. i don't want to be responsible for anyone's hearts until i'm ready.

at the same time, i'm sick of being passive with those sorts of relationships. just wanting them, and never going for it. never taking action. not being open to anything. being scared of anything and everything. i don't want that anymore. so, i need some sort of balance.

and at the core of everything is god. he is the core of my being. the core of everything good i could be. and i am a child of god. i am his daughter. embracing life as his child is essentially the heart of everything. of every passion i have. of all the justice i look for. of all the dreams i dream.

and yet, i don't act like it. i run away.
at camp rudolph, i wrote on my hand, "keep me put." i am tired of whenever i start drawing close to god, of finding some excuse to focus away from him. all my stupid "intellectual" crap. of how i get creeped out by christian subculture. ok, so subculture isn't good. but it IS good to step out as a believer and claim your God. and, I am not so good at doing that cause i don't want uncomfortable conversations.

nicole and i were researching a couple of religions on wikipedia. and one of them was the Bahá'í Faith. this was established as a sort of progressive spirituality in 19th century Persia. the guy who established it of course believed he was god's last true prophet. it's basically believing that religous history has been evolving through different messengers of God, through different religions. basically every religion. to establish unity in the world. peace and justice for all of mankind. moving for social justice regardless of what path you choose.

i realize in a sense, i have been following this. not in my words, but in my actions. i so little talk about Christ, and when I do, it's as a teacher. this is what Christ taught, and I am to follow it. he taught to feed the hungry, clothe the poor, bring peace, and all these good things. and i want to do all these good things. but lately i've felt a disconnect between that and my relationship with christ. and i realized what it was. i forgot what christ came to do.

just as i face temptation with boys. christ faced every essential temptation we have faced. everyone. he was tempted in the wilderness for 40 days, and faced it on a daily basis, even in his ministry. afterall, he was fully human. but since he was also fully god, he lived a blameless life. even though he faced his temptations, he never acted on a single one. and it's because of his perfect life, that we can lay down our sin. cause we can't go on and not give in to our temptations. we are not perfect. and we have turned on god. but christ came to redeem that. so that what ever i feel right now, i can put at his feet. it's not me carrying on, cause on my own i'm not whole. on my own, i might be happy, i might be content in my life, i might be loving, but i'll never feel the perfect love which drives out all fear. the perfect gift we are offered, and even as christians we refuse. the difference between christian faith and a unitarian make everyone happy faith, is the cross. christ didn't just come to deliver a message, he came to deliver us. he's the only one in history who could've done it, and he's the only one who ever could. and now, being close-minded is not an issue, cause this just could be the only truly opening, truly freeing thing there ever was, ever. other religions might make you good, loving people, but they don't offer you the breath of new life. they don't offer you PERFECT LOVE. they don't offer you redemption in complete grace. the concept of grace isn't even mentioned. they just say if you are good humans, and do this and this and that, and your heart is good, then you're solid. and that is a lie. our hearts no matter how good we come off, are never really clean. we are deprived humans, half-hearted creatures always reaching for air and never knowing what we want. christ is true not because of the good things he did on earth, but what he is to us, TODAY. and i can't believe i am not telling people about this free everlasting gift that i know.

i am so selfish. and so self-righteous.

so i guess this guy thing really isn't the heart of the matter.

i'm pulling the plug on facebook.


facebook gets in the way. of having a life. in the way of god time, in the way of homework, in the way of exploring new music online, in the way of going out and actually doing stuff, in the way of writing cause i love writing. plus the new facebook makes feel dirty just for being on it.

austa la vista, baby.


cnu continues to be a culture shock for me, from portland this past summer. it amazes me. there's good and bad things. it's really a grey area- what is better the bible belt, or the "most unchurched" city in America?
they're different, but actually about on the same level.

side note:
i didn't do the reading for my lit class today. however, that did not hinder me from discovering a poet i really liked, due to reading it in class.

it's hard for me to find poets who i actually enjoy. i see the beauty of their work, but none of it really speaks to me. this dude i read today, feels like me, if i were a man, 80 years ago, and a doctor. he'd be my buddy if he was still alive. he speaks my language. this is the poem we read (after class i started reading his other poetry and immediately fell in love):

Danse Russe- William Carlos William

If when my wife is sleeping
and the baby and Kathleen
are sleeping
and the sun is a flame white disc
in silken mists
above shining trees, --
if I in my north room
dance naked, grotesquely
before my mirror
waving my shirt round my head
and singing softly to myself:
"I am lonely, lonely
I was born to be lonely,
I am best so!"

If I admire my arms, my face,
my shoulders, flanks, buttocks
against the yellow drawn shades, --

Who shall say I am not
the happy genius of my household?

dating and subculture

I feel like, maybe the past year and a half, I've put myself in a rut. This is by liking the same kid on and off, and doing absolutely nothing about it. Well, I'm not sure if I'm so interested in this kid anymore. I'm kinda tired of liking him. Like I'm just getting myself into the same pattern over and over again. However, tonight I realized something while I was cooking vegan linguine- I don't want to be "asexual" anymore. When I like a dude, I want to ACT on it. And also, this is a big one- I don't want to push away guys just because they aren't christians. I've been doing that, forever. Ultimately, I know the best idea for a long term relationship is to have someone who claims the same best friend. Yet, I feel like I'm limiting myself by not putting myself out there and not dating.

It's a popular thing in the christian circles to be passive or asexual about relationships. It's also popular in the christian circles to consider every christian kid of the opposite sex as an option. I don't want to be either of those sorta girls anymore. I want to date guys, of all kinds, to see what kind of guy I really do like. Cause, really, I have no clue what I want. And really, I find myself most attracted to guys I am not "supposed" to be attracted to. And after wondering why, I realized that there's nothing wrong with that, and I can put myself out there. I don't need to run away from guys, or sit around passively "waiting" for my prince charming to come. It's not what happens. But too much christian literature(aka lady in waiting, and any josh harris book) tells me it does.

so you know what? this semester, i will kiss dating hello.

Thoughts on Leadership and being a Christ Follower

I really did not want to go to Intervarsity leadership retreat this weekend. In fact, this past Thursday night, I had a first in a while: I went to IV and saw hundreds of people swarming everywhere, and I got nervous, frightfully nervous. I did not want to be an IV leader. I did not want to try to reach people for Christ even though that's what we're called to do, maybe with a less corny term, by Christ. I just didn't want to be a Christian. I don't really mean, I didn't want to follow Jesus anymore, I just didn't want to be a subculture Christian, getting sucked into a bubble, of happy, smiling people swarming around me. That was where I didn't want to be. I've just realized over the summer, that as much as I love CNU and the community around me here, it's me and my fellow believers. I did not have any close relationships with people who weren't christians. What's the point of being a christian if you never leave your shell?

Then on Friday night, Bekah, Jamie and I were sitting on the swings outside at Camp Rudolph. And I stared at the trees, and the stars through the trees, and couldn't help but feel completely empty. I told them I need to re-fall in love with God. That I felt disconnected from him. Like, I know his values. But I don't know him anymore. And I felt like I was stuck. Stuck at CNU, stuck on leadership, stuck in a routine I couldn't get out of. The example I find of the cycle going around and around again, is that I have liked on and off the same guy I liked on and off last year at this time. And I still act completely strange with him. After all this time. It irks me, but now I just want to stay away from him. Just because I don't want this cycle repeating.

Then Beth Gambardella spoke that night. And I had trouble not falling asleep when she was talking about Moses and him acting as a mediator between his people and God. Not that it wasn't interesting, I was just very tired and wanted to go to bed. And some point in her talk, God gave me a light slap in the face. Because what she had to say had to deal directly with what I've been going through. She said, "If you're not hungry for God, you are starving. And often when you are starving, you don't realize the drastic need you are in", or something in that jist. And I was shook. Cause I wasn't hungry for God. I was starving so much for him, being much afraid to go into prescense, much afraid for being a christian, that I didn't know how to connect. As she was talking more and more, I started crying. I don't normally cry during talks, but I did this time. I realized the difference between me now and last year, is that I am much more sober. More serious, in a not so overly serious, uptight way, but sober that I am more aware, and even more wrecked and alert to what's going on around me. It was tough to swallow. Often times I doubt if my worship to God in corporate worship is genuine, and that night it felt especially so. My voice was raised, and it didn't sound pretty. As I was singing to my King, my voice was trembling and crying. People around me were no longer a distraction. I felt completely ruined before the glory of God.

Then today, in our quiet time, we read 1 Corinthians 2. I read this not too long ago, a week before I left Portland, and it spoke to me incredibly. I realized then, I had not spend my summer interning spending time with God through actually reading what God was saying in scripture. I was letting other people be the mediators, and me, just the spectator. I was trying to cram information into me, but it didn't bring me closer to God because "knowledge pumps up."

Anyways, I sat there, doing breathing exercises to clear my mind to anything I could to talk to God. Spent some time praying and not just for myself. And then, I felt compelled to write in my journal:

"The Cross has become empty to me and who I am in Christ has no meaning left. I lean too far on the side of Christian rhetoric, on books about God and not written by him. I let man's wisdom block me from my Creator. The gospel, in turn, has become total foolishness to me. I don't know at times if I really, truly believe it or if I'm just following steps cause it's as I've always done. Part of me doesn't want to be on IV leadership due to this. It feels like a sick cycle of repeats, like I'm trapped in a naturalist play I can't get out of. Of course I can't get myself out. That's the trap. Only God can. I don't want it to be a repeat of last year. All I wanna do right now is hold God tightly and never let him go. But I can't, I'm incapable. Allow God to hold me tightly and not let me out of his grasp.
The bible has become just another book on my reading list. I am a seeker of enlightenment, not og God. I know leadership will once again be a struggle for me. I can't let the devil use tht against me. I need the Lord's spirit over me. Nothing else matters. It makes me sick how much the rest of it all matters to me more. I want eyes to see, ears to hear, and a mind to concieve. But in the meantime, I am just grabbing for air."

This weekend we learned a little bit about ourselves in relation to christian leadership, and there is a good order that is not necessarily found directly in scripture but is highly applicable to how we live lives of christian leaders. CDSL
Child, Disciple, Servant, Leader.
Jesus says that children are first in the kingdom of God. Being a child of God means being taken under his loving care. We must swallow our pride and let him do that before leadership.

I know I will have many more struggles this semester with this, but I feel myself returning quickly back to parts of myself to that time that I had "faith like a child". For example, today during stretch out time in between things, I ran circles around the room. Like a little ADD kid, yelling and chanting. And you know what. It felt quite liberating and I don't know why I don't do it more often.

God knows my name. He calls me by Janelle.

thoughts on going back to school: part 2
class act

This semester I am hoping for divine intervention in the workings of my mind. Basically saying, I am actually a big ditz who talks fancy and poetically but really knows nothing. I know very little about current events, or even history in the past 20 years. Most of what I learned in history and science class has slipped my brain. I asked this guy a couple weeks ago what this shirt he always wears means, and he informed me it was the symbol for the USSR and he doesn't know why he wears it. Such a simple thing I should've known.

I get so caught up in certain disciplines of thought, I don't really think about anything else. And I remain, completely oblivious.

The reason I am saying this is that the classes I am taking are challenging parts of my brain that I have not plugged into.

Especially nerve-wrecking is playwriting, which I have always been extremely interested in, but now I'm in it, I wonder what the hell I am doing there. I think in story-telling methods, but the way I want to tell stories would be better expressed in prose or film. I am going to be challenged here.

I am taking a music course for my film studies minor. It's about music in the movies. The class makes me feel like a fake hypocrite. Here am I, ever so picky about the music I listen to. Yet I cannot explain why. I can't describe music. It's hard for me to even pick out instruments in songs, unless they're very obvious.
Plus, I am a hypocrite with movies. Here I am wanting to make film possibly when I cannot even name the director or anyone on the crew of Amelie, one of my favorite movies. I feel like such a doofus. Why don't I pay attention?

And then there's biology. And I am getting idealistic about saving the environment. But I know nothing of the science behind it.

I can tell you now, this will be a period of lots and lots of learning. But it won't come easy. It never does.

My thoughts on the first days of school:
part 1- relationships

Going back to CNU, was like entering a realm far removed from Portland. CNU is like a small, small town. Where ever I go, I know people. In the midst of running errands and trying to get to my classes, I'd run in to about 5-15 people, I am absolutely compelled to stop where I am and greet them. Usually with the very surfaced "hi, how are you doing?" greeting. I try to mix it up, and so sound cool. Instead of always saying "have a great day!!" I'd say "take it easy" or something chill like that.
"How are you doing?" Does anyone ever want to know how you're really, truly doing?? It's programmed into us to greet this way and always respond with an answer that is more on the optimistic side.

Portland, I came knowing not one soul. I did not have this extensive social network. And I realized right away, that instead of meeting too many people, I should stick to a smaller network of tight individuals. Although that didn't happen in full, the idea of a smaller community to plug into was more prevalent in Portland. I did not know everyone at Imago Dei, and for that I am most glad.

Small talk. I hate it. I have been compelled to have about 50 small talk conversations in the past few days. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I feel like some socialite that I really am not. Even though it appears that I have many plentiful amounts of friends, I'd only prefer to have a few close ones. As hard as it is to say, I don't think I should be friends with people who I can't get into in depth conversations with. In order to have these conversations, the two of us must be comfortable being real and transparent with each other.

I dislike popularity. I have about 500 friends on facebook (this counts people who I haven't talked to in years). I have interest in most of them, as is why I am facebook friends. I am interested in different sorts of people. And I am interested in branching out and getting to know many people. But when it comes down to it, I only need a few, true friends.

Trouble is, I can't even figure point who they all are. I am an openly vulnerable person, who get into in depth conversations with more people than a lot can. So being good friends goes beyond even that. I am, for the lack of a better word, "ADD" with the relationships I am in. I float from one to the next. If I talk to one person, I am looking over at another person I want to talk to. It's horrible. As a result, I have many many friends. Yet, when crisis hits, it can be hard to identify who to turn to. Who really loves me? And whom do I really love?


I want to go beyond surfacey relationships. I want to limit my people scope to a few. Not to exclude people. But to learn how to love those whom I love.

This does not mean I need a boyfriend. Sometimes, I really really want one. Then I think, whats the point? There is a great freedom in getting to focus on more platonic relationships rather than floating on a continuous cloud 9. Whenever I do find a boyfriend, I would never wish to exclusively see him, or even drown out my other guy friends. I intend on acting as I was with all my friends. I hate when I see people go and be boyfriend/girlfriend, and then ignore everyone else. It is entirely stupid, and they'll grow sick of each other.

i really hate arguing.

and then part of me craves it, craves conflict.

i would really like to stop arguing about jesus with those who believe in the same jesus. they're no less than me, and i'm no less than them. but it seems like we always try so hard to drag each other's opinions down, and that's exactly what the devil wants.

i want to know the full truth of the gospel, and i want to share it with others. but, i don't want to start cold wars on it.

how do we straddle the line? how can we teach each other, but not hurt one another.

it seems to be something i'm not good at. i feel like i'm always offending those i care about. and then again, the gospel isn't just nice words. it's offensive and not politically correct. how can it be shared without ripping each other up?

i'm learning as i go.

I have environmentally-conscious convictions that I am starting to act upon.

Does this make me liberal?

maybe not so much. maybe extremely extremely conservative.
afterall, it hasn't been until the late 19th century that mass meat production increased in factories with the industrial revolution.

people used to either kill their food, or buy it from someone local.

this isn't some new agey idea i'm toying around with.


furthermore, liberal politics does not equate to liberal theology. and the term liberal is completely miscontrued these days. liberal does not equal godless.

scott(andreas) sent me a really good article that i'd like my friends to see, this reflects my beliefs on politics and God a lot more than what you've been seeing (my extreme decisions to go vegetarian and such leads to generalizations that has caused many to think i'm over the hedge on the liberal end)

I just found a wondrous blog : emerging women.

And what do I find on the sidebar of the blog? A conference, on the east coast, and better yet, in Virginia Beach. I am often skeptical of women's retreats and stuff because they get corny and too touchy-feely... but this conference seems to dialogue more like a conversation.

" We hope to facilitate discussions directly related to women, encouraging them to boldly emerge as leaders in this 21st Century. The conversations are inclusive of a diversity of leadership styles and opportunities. All women will have a voice at the table to dialogue, to learn and to advance our journeys of Christian spiritual formation."

yesssss.

and for students, it's only 25 dollars.

who wants to go with me??!

I find often that my spirit is willing and my flesh lacks behind like a snail.

I want to love people of lower economic standing than me. I feel a huge part of the gospel is social justice. It's seen everywhere, with the sexually- wounded pluralist woman at the well (john 4), with the good samaritan (luke 10), Jesus intervening in the lives of outcasts- the sick, the mentally handicapped, the paralyzed, the lepers, the prostitutes, the tax collectors, the smelly fishermen. Jesus came for them. For the broken in this world.

I know this and understand this with my mind. But then why is it, that when I get on the bus, I ignore people who look like they're "white trash" who could be on meth. Why do I ignore those of ethnic backgrounds? Why do I pass the homeless on the street, not acknowledging their total need. The way I act, you'd think I hate them.

I don't though. I live in fear. Fear that I don't know what to say. Fear that I won't know what to do. Fear that I will fail, and they would hate Christ forever because of me.

O, I am a prideful wretch, aren't I?

My friend Monica was talking about an old friend whose a meth addict, living on the streets of portland with no where to go. She's been thinking a lot about him, wanting to do something. But she doesn't know what to do. what to say.

i was thinking out loud about setting up a water stand. and give out free cups of water. it was a thought. water is good. i feel like the need is greater.

and then later on today, i started reading a Burnside Writers article.

"It’s not a final “solution” to homelessness. Sometimes, all we can hope for is to help someone right now, at this very moment. It’s something you can do that you know in your heart will help them get through this day, and perhaps the next. "

This guy suggests making backpacks for the homeless. Go spend that 20 dollars you were gonna go to buy that cute skirt or that concert ticket, on basic needs...food, a blanket, a tarp, toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, a washcloth, a garbage bag and a bible, etc.

then when you see that same person on the street corner, you can give them something from the bag, or give them the entire bag! you could just leave it with them. or maybe come back again and start a repoitroire. choose a spot in a city. pray over it. and then..go!

it's not the end all, no. but its meeting very practical needs for people who suffer a great deal each day.

for more info, go to

www.backpacksforthehomeless.org

this shows what heaven could be like. or what i imagine it to be.



An Allegory




BIGSTONEHEAD.NET

is where i found this amazing piece

Last summer I attended an evangelical missions conference in West London. This turned out to be a shock to my prior bible-belt raised mentality. Where did a great amount of people gather in their free time? In the pub, right down the street. Being in London with a college/post-college team that only consisted of five dudes besides me, the token female, my team was found in the pub almost every night during free time. Amongst the dwellers were members of the leadership team. We christians packed out this place.

It was there I had my first public consumption of alcohol. It was quite laughable to me, that I was able to drink. We hung out there, smoking cloves and cigars, and laughing and talking in our obnoxious American way. My friends claimed that I was drunk one night, just because i wrapped my long hair around my face and proceeded to act like Aslan. My weird behavior was not completely spurred by alcohol consumption as they thought. Indeed, I am able to appear drunk with nothing but coffee, water, and carbs loaded up in my system. Although I drank some, and smoked more, I never had more than one glass a night.

It was quite a sight to see a bunch of evangelical christians all stumbling together on the way home from the pub, which closed at 11pm every night. A sight that'd be locked in my mind's photo bank for a long time.

This summer, I came from Virgina to the Rose City, to live, be an arts ministry intern, and experience the cultural life that the Dogwood state seemed to lack in. In my time at Imago Dei, I have observed the frequent communal visits to the pubs- for happy hour, for movies, or for rock shows. None, that I, the 20 year old , could actively partake in.

The rock shows are what really gets under my skin. One thing I was excited about, coming to Portland, was the endless nights of musical entertainment. So far, the only thing I've gone to is the Blues Festival. I've been deprived. Deprived of a rich indie music scene I had so longed for.
I decided not to let it get me down. Afterall, there were other all-ages venues (as terribly expensive as they may be). But then, all at once, I found a stream of artists coming to town in July, that I would've been at their show in a moment's notice, if only I were a year older. The Appleseed Cast, David Bazan, Tilly and the Wall, Denison Witmer, among countless others. It keeps happening. All at bars, pubs, lounges, whatever term you'd have for it. And it really pisses me off.

Virginia might not have a rich music scene, but one thing it does have, is access. Access to clubs and bars even if you are not 21. Most of those places will let you in at 18, just with marked huge X's on your hand. These X's might be somewhat depraving, but they do work. With a X on my hand I can go almost everywhere. There was just one concert this year I wanted to go to, but couldn't because I wasn't 21. That actually, was yet again, Mr. Bazan. I hung my head in grief when I found out yet again he was in my reachable range, and yet again I'd be considered a minor.

When I talk about my alcoholic rights I should possess, most of my friends just think I'm obsessed with alcohol. But I can live fine without alcohol, I just want the music. The music is all I want. Why can't they mark X's on your hand at these Portland spots. Are they so afraid of the immature 18-20 year old crowd? Seriously, there are no big maturity differences between a 21 year old and I. The only real differences between a 25 year old and I is real world experience and potentially a college degree.

First of all, I think the drinking age in America needs to be changed. And I'll still support that after my birthday next year.

But for now, these clubs really must consider marking X's on the hands of us "minors". Really, it'd save a lot of grief.

wake up in the morning
i shall wake up, and so shall you
and I, wake up
the sun is beautiful
and it is warming you and I
as fragile as we lie

-eisley


today, my alarm went off.
i realized that my mind knows what my heart cannot grasp.

i woke up to truth.
i cannot carry myself in my relationship with christ. i know this is my mind. not in my heart.

there needs to be a connection. sometimes it's there. on too rare an occasion.

i want to live a life that's confident. not an arrogant, humanistic confidence. but a humble, active, pursuing confidence. one that's unafraid of consequences, fearless of diving in and taking risks. i don't put up that front, but sometimes I am all too petrified and timid. it mostly comes from pride.

i focus too much on the external. on my prided image. like all humans, my flesh is completely devoted to me. how i look to the outside world.

i cracked open my bible, and actually spent a good amount of time reading.
i read the sermon on the mount. it's horribly too convicting, being the performer i am.
i looked up chapter 6 under the message version.

"Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don't make a performance out of it. It might be good theater, but the God who made you won't be applauding. When you do something for someone else, don't call attention to yourself. You've seen them in action, I'm sure—'playactors' I call them— treating prayer meeting and street corner alike as a stage, acting compassionate as long as someone is watching, playing to the crowds. They get applause, true, but that's all they get. When you help someone out, don't think about how it looks. Just do it—quietly and unobtrusively. That is the way your God, who conceived you in love, working behind the scenes, helps you out.

And when you come before God, don't turn that into a theatrical production either. All these people making a regular show out of their prayers, hoping for stardom! Do you think God sits in a box seat?

Here's what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.

The world is full of so-called prayer warriors who are prayer-ignorant. They're full of formulas and programs and advice, peddling techniques for getting what you want from God. Don't fall for that nonsense. This is your Father you are dealing with, and he knows better than you what you need. With a God like this loving you, you can pray very simply. Like this:
Our Father in heaven,
Reveal who you are.
Set the world right;
Do what's best— as above, so below.
Keep us alive with three square meals.
Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others.
Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil.
You're in charge!
You can do anything you want!
You're ablaze in beauty!
Yes. Yes. Yes."

Vegetarian Diaries

Day one- Saturday, July 8
Today, Marie and I hung out and when we got to Cha! Cha! Cha!, we both realized we were hungry. I ordered a chicken fajita burrito and she ordered nachos. As we were eating, we talked about several things, such as vegetarianism. I've been thinking about becoming a vegetarian for a few weeks now, but have pushed it out of my head cause I thought it'd be too hard. As I was talking to Marie, I realized that in my heart it was something I felt convicted to do.

Not like eating meat is immoral. It does state in the bible that we can eat meat. But the way animals get treated before getting slaughtered is cruel. Plus the mass farmers feed them anything, just about anything to make them fat. Have you ever thought that as you're eating your steak you could also be eating a cat? Cause if they find a dead cat on the farm, they sure as hell will feed it to their livestock. Plus, the way the livestock is raised is wasteful. They use lands that could well be used for vegetation, for the full use of the livestock. Each pound of meat, has about 5-15 pounds of grain in it. You know how much hungry people that grain could feed? So basically, my reasons for going vegetarian are
-environmental sustainability
-ethical problems on mass farms
-world hunger (using our resources well)
-general health
The last one is a kind of selfish reason. I would like to see how vegetarinism effects my energy and diet. Food often has a very fatiguing effect on me, and after I eat most of the time, I feel like physical activity is the last thing on my list. At 20, my health is all well. But in 10, 20, 30 years, it's scary to think of how my health will be doing.

So, I decided in my heart and in mind, that chicken fajita burrito would be the last one I ate. And to be honest, it really didn't taste as good eating it that last time, as it was other times. After that on Saturday, I did pretty well. For lunch, I had strawberries,soy chips with provolone cheese (yes, cheese is a dairy product, therefore from the same mistreated animal. However, for health reasons, I chose not to be vegan). For dinner, I feasted on fried zucchini, cucumber salad, peas, and bread, provided by the Park family's leftovers. There was also chicken teriyaki up for the grabs, but I made the conscious effort not to eat it.

Day 2- Sunday, July 9
As with every sunday here in Portland, I woke up at the early hour of 6am. I decided that an adequate breakfast would be a priority over something like, putting makeup on. I ate two strawberries, blueberries in my chai ice cream, and snacked on some peas.

My digestive track, does seem to be needing to get used to this new diet. But once, I am settled in, it shouldn't be too much of a bother.

For church, I had plenty of energy as I was running around, helping with set-up, manning the sacred space/book table, and helping in kids community.

After church, and a hot bus ride home, I passed out on my bed, until 5:15pm. I was dead tired (I had an exhausting past week, and getting up so early on Sundays always takes something). Getting up was even hard to do. Before the great nap, I did eat some veggies, fruits and bread once again.

I went to home community, where there was a potluck. The turn out was smaller tonight and the only vegetarian option was chips, and I thought, pasta salad. I ate some pasta salad, but then realized there were bits of bacon in it. Not wanting to waste food though, I finished it off. Then later in the evening, my hunger pangs struck again, and I was desperately craving protein. They had barbecued some hot dogs, very plump, nice looking hot dogs, and there were still a bunch left. Leslie said that what wasn't eaten would be thrown out. It was sad to me to see any sort of food go to waste, and being hungry, I gave in and grabbed a hot dog.

It was good for 2 seconds, but then I felt sick. I have felt sick from eating hot dogs before, it isn't uncommon. But this one(with those bacon bits), just did not settle right at all after the last 24 hours. I knew after this, craving those sort of meats wouldn't be a problem again.

I got home, and my roommate and her friends were eating Baja Fresh. mmmmm. I got offered a chicken quesadilla, and turned it down. I took out the veggies from the fridge and dipped them in the baja salsa and guacamole. I also ate some chips, and some grapes. Drank some organic lemonade leftover from the Sacred Space Ceili. I felt a whole lot better. Then we went to Baskin Robbins, and I got a scoop of thin mint and a scoop of tranquility tea. Ice cream, isn't very healthy of course. But it is good. Especially in the summertime.

My whole life, I have been very dependent on meat. I especially love chicken, and my parents' meatballs. I never really liked veggies a lot. Especially raw veggies. However, as I am eating them more, I'm taking more of a liking to them. Being a vegetarian will be hard for me, and I feel like it's gonna be a process. I will eat meat every once in awhile, until I can completely cut it out of my life. Beef won't be as hard as chicken will be(except the meatballs). And as far as red meat goes, I never really liked it. This is certainly a great challenge for me, but I feel like it's a good choice. I don't have any big holdbacks in switching over.