yes, i like church (most of the time)

My faith is my life. It is not just part of my life. It consists of all of who I am. Even when I walk in cynicism, and I am extremely off-focus, my life is still my faith.

Maybe it comes as a surprise to some, as I am not any sort of stereotypical happy all the time and let me preach to everyone sorta Christian. I normally don't talk about it, unless it comes up in conversation because I don't like to push anything on anyone. But quite often, it does come up, because it is my life. It's casual. "Janelle, what did you do this week?" I could respond, such as this week, I went to the beach with my church group, or I went to a bible study, or I hung out with people (and some of these people I know through these things). So it does come up.

But, a lot of people go to church. People who don't give a crap about it go to church. A lot of people go to church and are completely bored. Not so with me. I go to church and I am usually engaged, or fascinated, or just feel extremely loved in the community of people who care about me a lot.

It bothers me when people interpret my church-going as something I just do because I am supposed to. I am very rebellious by nature and I don't do anything just because I'm expected to. I've noticed that people take their church experiences and apply it to me. Because they go to a boring church must mean that all churches are like that I think it's funny that because I am generally a sarcastic person, some people interpret my liking of church as me just being factitious.

I work close sometimes on Saturday nights. And that's my least favorite shift because we usually get out of there late and I have to wake up early for church. Waking up early is probably the thing I hate most about church (this is why I love churches that do later services, but alas, my current church doesn't). One time when we were getting out super late, a shift supervisor said something along the lines of "It's ok, you can sleep in anyways." And I am like, "No, we have to get out as soon as we can. I have church, and I am not missing it again." And something would be said like "Oh, God will forgive you."

And that gets me mad. I don't treat church like religion. If I want to miss it, I will. I didn't go to church for a long time but was still a practicing Christian involved in bible studies and college fellowships. I know that "God will forgive me" if I don't go to church. What is not understood, is that I have an actual desire to be there. It is often the best part of my week and I absolutely hate missing out.

My faith has been a little dry lately, so sometimes what I do feels like I'm just going through religious motions. But then I realize, this is all I got left. My personal prayer life is practically dead...but the encouragment I get from church and different groups keeps afloat and keeps me from turning away from God. God uses brothers and sisters in the body of Christ to communicate to me how much he loves me since I most of the time refuse to listen to him directly.

But despite this phase, I love Christ, will give up my life for him and I genuinely do enjoy being a Christian, no matter how sarcastic and cynical I get. I hated church for a long time as a Christian, because I did not understand its function in my personal walk with God. Sometimes it felt like relationships with Jesus, put out on a performance stage. But nowadays, I have developed a genuine love for church and a continuous desire to be there. That's all I got now, unfortunately. But I will work with that.

an afterthought edit: As I am reading through this, I realize I care too much about what people think. I write this blog as a sort of defense. But I don't think I care only what they think of me. I want people to understand faith differently, and that's why I care.

more and more human

Let's be honest. Most of my life has been spent on some cloud somewhere. I exiled myself there, because I did not want to face life as it really was. Lately, I've been floating down to the surface. I wrote a couple months ago that reality is hitting me like a ton of bricks. Now it's not. Now I'm floating, I am not being slammed down.

I am bruised by the bricks. I am still mourning the life I would've wanted. But I am better. Reality is making me stronger. Actually, it's making me weaker. But when I am weak, then I am strong.

More importantly, it's making me more relate able. I am not on some super spiritual high. It's good when that happens. It's good when you get a good super-charge of the holy spirit. But that's not where I am currently. Not like it isn't there. The spirit is keeping me afloat.

But I am more relate able after seeing my own sin clearer than ever. Through this I can better understand other people, and I am less inclined to judge. I have always been very accepting of all sorts of people but I have never understood how to interact with all types of people. I am still learning.

Work has been helping me. Sometimes my co-workers are such a pain. Sometimes they're wonderful. When people used to talk down to me, I used to ignore it completely and pretend it didn't happen. But I won't stand for it anymore. If someone, out of stress and tiredness, says something a little off to me, I might respond killing them with kindness or I completely ignoring the comment. But sometimes people need to know. For example, someone used to keep misinterpreting my body language and vocal tones. I had to absolutely communicate to her that this was all in her head. Starbucks is not my ideal job, but here, I am becoming more real with people. I am learning to take their punches and reply honestly when I need to.

in fact, i did write a poem today...

which i will post everywhere. even if it is crap.

I wear brokenness around my neck –

It's a green scarf with stripes- tattered but still fashionable.

I hide myself in it to keep from sudden exposure

To the crashing sky that breathes

Heavy, knockyaover winds

I carry brokenness with me

Slung upon one aching shoulder

- a quilted bag, each patch telling

stories of a place once strange to me.

stories I have chosen to forget.

I punch brokenness through the holes in my body

The black and white half moons dangle,

dragging my ears down with their weight

But vain beauty keeps them there all day.

My brokenness attracts other people.

The vivid colors, intricate patterns

Sometimes begs the question-

"Where did you get it?"

I am hesitant to reply. I don't want to brag.

As I stutter the place's name I still sound

Exotic. Lovely. Noble.

I am not those things.

I do not know why I choose to wear these pieces.

Especially when it relates to a place I'd care not

To re-visit. Perhaps because I can only be

At least a shadow of the girl I once was. But each

Accessory has brought the demise of that form of me.

I can't look back. Not even with the reminders.

I wear my brokenness as novelty now-

paraded with pride, people mistaking it with loveliness.

In private, I notice the scheme but

It's the only way it will fit.

cannot serve two masters

When I consider my current options and what I want to do, I cannot help but feel a little burdened.

I know I need to make money right now. I have bills to pay. I have college loans and a car lease.

But I don't want the rat race. I don't wanna be another fighting commuter and spend hours in a car each day. I don't want to live in a suburb where I drive at least 30 minutes to do most things I like to do. I don't want a job that overloads with me with work til I burn out completely.

I want to: live near my work, have enough free time to generously my time up, live in community, learn how to garden, be able to walk/bike everywhere, not feel so burdened by money, have adventures, have purpose, not want for anything.

I want to work for a church or para-organization. But how much do they pay? Not enough.
But then I am simply thinking about this in human terms. Doesn't God promise if we seek his kingdom, he will provide? I am so quick to doubt. So quick to worry about money and security (something I never thought I'd be worried about).

Part of me wants to move out of Northern Virginia very badly. But I am too scared to leave. Too scared to try to make it on my own without first having a full-salaried job. I am complacent and stuck, and maybe even a little lazy.

You cannot serve both God and money.

on my writing block

Anyone who reads my blog might assume I am depressed most of the time, going from highs to lows- but that's just what gets recorded. My blog entries are the edited clips of my life. Most of the time I am rather mellow and complacent. Though, it's easy for me drop fast. But then again, I am a writer.

I don't know what the deal is about the link between the ability to write and one's mental health. I love reading author biographies in the Norton Anthologies I had in school. They all seemed to end up with some futile, hopeless fate. They get severely depressed and throw themself into a river; they are sick of society's restrictions and decide a pill overdose will release them from their marital problems; they become chronic alcoholics and can never seem to find a fulfilling relationship.

I guess I dwell on all of this to admit that I'm scared of writing. I've not written a story or a poem in a matter of months. I keep wondering what aside from laziness is keeping me from my craft.I write to tell the truth. And the truth is often depressing as hell.

Some writers can write depressing stories of life's truthful pains and somehow sound irreverent. One can read it, sorta feel bad, but all at the same time, draw a wicked smile out of the story. I guess that's why I am so drawn to black comedy. That's why I'm so prone to sarcasm and cynicism.But even that is self-defeating. And people don't often read sarcasm in my stories, they read the defeat. Even though I have a distinct capability to stay irreverent in my verbal interactions, it does not translate into my writing.Is it from being just an amateur writer, or is it just not who I really am?

The truth is this: I am unlike those writers who bestowed wicked fates upon themselves. I have hope. Yes, I am mildly depressed, but out of the cracks that run through me, there's light that can't wait to tear through. Light hurts. I don't know how much people realize that when contrasting light and darkness. Darkness is comfortable. It hurts a lot more to sit with the lights shining bright on you. It's exposing. Christians are representations of Christ's light. I am a Christian. Yet I am sitting here, in a dim lit room, all too comfortable where I am.

A lot of writers dwell in darkness the whole time. That's why I cannot read a lot of writers I want to read and I cannot write a whole lot right now. Only a certain amount of darkness is comfortable for me. Any more will swallow me whole.The real challenge is how can I be a writer who dwells in light? Wouldn't I rather be that? Wouldn't that be less life-draining and more life-giving? Wouldn't that remove the cliche of becoming a hopelessly depressed writer with nothing but haze in front of them?

I used to do it. My most inspired times of writing have resulted outof very intimate quiet times hearing from God. But I haven't had it for awhile. So all I can offer my pages is quiet hollowness and doubt.

I've been avoiding writing while simultaneously avoiding my relationship with my Creator, who helps me create. It's time to embrace both. It's time to sit in some light.

I almost wrote a poem today

Sometimes you can distance yourself from something for such a long time, that you forget how to reconnect.

For example, today I had a very big poetic thought. It was very vivid and almost inspirational, but once I got it on paper, the idea flopped. I need to re-visit it. Re-visiting is the only way to get over this slump.

I was at an advent gathering, and we had some quiet time to reflect on peace (because the candle of peace got lit today). I wrote out some of the things I needed peace over. As I was doing this and reflecting on my woes, I looked back on myself. I've been wearing a whole lot of stuff I acquired in Kenya lately. I find that interesting because Kenya broke me a lot, and it's like I'm wearing my brokenness. So the poem's about wearing your brokeness around your neck, slung on your shoulders and various other things, but I just don't know how to connect that back to Kenya in the poem. I don't know how to complete the metaphor.

Maybe I need to read some Billy Collins- he's not overly concerned about making the language overly elegant- he speaks in very down to earth, everyday terms that somehow connect beautifully. Maybe after reading other poems, I can sit down and write.

idols

I can't control anything that I want to happen in my life...even if I try to put myself in the "right place at the right time." That usually never turns out.

But still, how can I juggle the concepts that 1) I cannot put something in my own hands or on the other hand, 2) if I want something I just gotta put myself out there?

How much do they conflict? and how much do they intersect?

I think prayer is necessary. Ask God. After that, follows the action. God wants us to ask and he wants us to take risks. But taking a risk without prayer is just foolishness.

Risks without prayer turn those things you want into idols. I have one too many idols...it's time to sit before my father in heaven.

for each epiphany there are a million questions

I get depressed about not having a professional job, while I don't even want a professional job. I don't want to run the rat race. But there's no way to come to terms with reality when you just avoid it. This is the life God gave me. I can't just run away.

So I get depressed about not getting what I don't want, because I am depressed by my own motives in getting what I do want. But most of all, my current situation depresses me beyond my motives and the professional world. So where does this leave me?

Is God good and powerful? Then why this silence?!

my life keeps the same tune on repeat

Library books are collecting dust on my window sill, on the top of my TV, and on my dresser. There are so many helpful books to read. So many interesting books to read, but I am simply disinterested.

Every few weeks I go back to idealist.org, craigslist, monster.com, the cnu job search site...and begin the futile search again. But I don't end up applying to many jobs. Each attempt is as if my child-like hand were grasping for small precious grains flying in the air, unable to ever be attained.

Then there's what I really want to do- the idealistic and volunteer-oriented jobs I am really interested in. I go back to those sometimes. But with their lengthy applications accessing one's character, motivations and maturity, I don't want to post any lies.

I have some very well-meaning people in my life who like to tell me the truth. Do they realize that one cannot simply be talked out of their sadness? That hearing it can just provoke more sadness, and thus get overwhelmed into more apathy?

WHO do we put our hope in?

Just a preface- this blog might be extremely popular among my Christian friends but likely not as popular among my non-religious friends or friends of other religions. To all of you, I dedicate this blog. I realize in the past, I have played it safe for you, as to not offend you and make you dislike me because I want you to like me. But I do not care as much about being safe or liked anymore. You may think I am close-minded claiming to believe in an absolute truth, but please take what I say to heart and feel free to ask questions and wrestle with the words. I pray what I say is not just a religious political statement, but actually speaks to your hearts.

I would consider some of my values to be more liberal than conservative, but in this past election I did not jump on the Obama train (Also, I did not vote for McCain). For very simple reasons. 1) As a moderate, he is too "big government for me 2) 4 years on senate, 2 spent campaigning as President (that troubles me) 3) While realizing that different Christians have different views of the legislation of abortion, I found it outrightly non-Christian of him that he supports partial-birth abortion (earlier stages of abortion can at least be debated as murder or non-murder, but partial-birth is outright murder.)

I do realize that he has many good qualities to him. First of all, we note the historical significance of voting in our first African-American President- this country has come such a long way, and for that I am proud.

Secondly, I love the morale of the American at a boost. Obama does not often preach politics of fear but politics of hope.

But that brings me to my worry. Preaching politics.

Now, I do not uphold the view of many conservative Christians that Obama is an anti-christ figure. I find that to be absurd, judgmental and completely ridiculous.


However as I look on facebook and blogs all around, I see people idolizing Obama, which is dangerous.
Let me make this clear - Obama is not our salvation. He is a good man, who will hopefully make good change in our country, but do not put your hope in MAN.

Politics are politics. They fall short of saving us humans. The only salvation we can know is the hope and change Jesus Christ brought to us through his death on the cross, and will bring when he comes back and instills a new heaven and a new earth when pain and sorrow will be no more.

We can strive to instill values of justice and hope in our public policy- I do believe that. But be careful. We are human beings with corrupt natures and we fall short of justice everyday. While many people out there believe values of righteousness and justice, where do we believe these values come from? They cannot be argued out of pragmatism, or for a stable future for the world. They come from a more deep-rooted place. We cannot achieve justice and human rights if our hearts are NOT FIRST CHANGED.

Change and hope starts in the hearts of human beings. But it has to be placed there by something. We are created in the image of God, therefore Christian or non-Christian we love things that God loves and hate things that he too hates. Change cannot come in our hearts without divine revelation.

My brother Justin puts it in this order-

Revelation ---> Revival---> Revolution

This works out in several patterns, in several ways God moves in creation. But let me give one illustration:
Revelation births revival. Revival is when our hearts are so stirred towards God that we wake up and do something. We give our Father glory through carrying out his will in the world. When we do that, revolution happens. Not a political revolution which gives corrupt man power, but a revolution which makes feeding the poor not a moral duty but a blessed opportunity to know your brother in love and share your resources, not out of government obligation, but by freely giving what you have been graciously given.


I am not scared of Obama taking office. I am excited. I think this is an excellent oppurtunity to re-think the way we live and partner with our administration in promoting change. Remember, Obama is not the key to this, though. Our hearts are. When our hearts are filled with love, we can live and move in ways we can never imagine. God is love. Turn your hearts toward him. He is good and powerful to save us. Wisdom and human works without God will ultimately fail.

1 Corinthians 2:9-16

However, as it is written:

"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him"— but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.
The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words.The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man's judgment:

"For who has known the mind of the Lord
that he may instruct him?" But we have the mind of Christ.

i heart henri nouwen

I much prefer reading Henri Nouwen to boys.

I much prefer him to most Christian writers. His style is so elegant. His words flow off the page. He doesn't have to say much to make his point, but then will go for a bit explaining it. He's not overly religious or legalistic but you can see his love for Christ. He embraces faith holistically, and does not hold back on any issues.

His writing reminds me of a cross between Wendell Berry and a Christian Gary Snyder (ha, like that'd ever happen).

I'm reading Seeds of Hope, which only gives me excerpts from his different books on various topics he writes on. Pretty light reading, but still deep, powerful stuff in a few sentences.

I would say out of most spiritual texts I've read, this is one of the most accessible to the non-believer. He speaks often from a more philosophical viewpoint and doesn't tout around a lot of heavy Christian-nese language.

time to move forward, give my all, and refuse to give up

"I know that I have to move from speaking about Jesus to letting him speak within me, from thinking about Jesus, to letting him think within me, from acting for and with Jesus to letting him act through me.

I know the only way to see the world is through his eyes. Everything has to become very simple, very unified, very focused. It is no longer a question of being up-to-date or well-informed.

At this moment of history- my own as well as that of the world- I have to go to the very center of being; the center where time touches eternity, where earth and heaven meet, where God’s word becomes human flesh, where death and immortality embrace. There is no longer a question of options. I have heard a voice saying, “Give me everything and I will give you everything.” " - Henri Nouwen

Lately, I have been a slave to many things. I have one too many idols. The number one idol? Relationships. I'd rather relate with people (especially guys) than relate with God. Being a slave is exhausting and it keeps you from doing anything purposeful whatsoever, because you are just too focused on what you want which is keeping you bound. I want to focus upon the Lord, and give him all of my attention but my flesh repeatedly keeps myself from it. Today, I died again. Today, I am laying aside my earthly ambitions to somehow obtain Christ's death and resurrection. Through his strength, not mine. I cannot go on any longer on my own. It is way too defeating. Way too depressing. I will choose the better life, no matter how hard it seems, putting aside my judgments and how I think other people will now perceive me. If you're a close friend of mine, please help me stay accountable to this re-commitment. Please. This bondage has not yet given up on me. Pray that through Christ's strength, I might break it down.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!"- Galatians 2:20-21

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."- John 15:1-8

things i haven't done lately that i need to do, again

-go hiking
-workout 3-5 times a week
-go on a glorious bike ride
-cook
-read books
-write substantial blogs
- write poetry
- work on fiction
- do any kind of writing
-keep up with world events
-care about justice
-research theology
-read the bible (alone) and study it (in a group or with another person)
-pray/talk to God in my journal (constantly talk to god)



i'll give myself credit. this is all old me at different times. and being old me is hard.
the truth is, i don't care right now. it's really hard for me to begin to care. i'm wasting too much time on the computer or in front of the tv. but i just can't care.

wondering what to say to me? i ran into this john piper article- http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2008/3283/
but i didn't read it, cause i deemed it useless to me in the first two paragraphs. just like he said it would- funny enough.

"instead of getting better, she grew worse."

I wanna cry all my time. This increased vulnerability- not a good place to be.

My super-emotional tendencies are paralyzing me from doing anything really substantial. I forgot I even had those tendencies.

I need a big change of scenery. I don't even need to move to get it. I do need something. A miracle.

I know life is full of hope and opportunity, but I feel somewhat hopeless right now. Please pray for me.

why i am wary of eschatology

I'm gonna make this short, rather than a long-drawn post explaining each point in depth (if you wanna argue my wariness, then maybe I'll make that post.)

There are certainly reasons to be wary of eschatology when people talk about in the Christian media. Many of the books which have came out in the past 40 years offer non-bibically validated views on the end times (Left Behind, The Late Great Planet Earth). While some of their views may be found in the Bible, some of the views are just crazy hoshposh to instill fear in people. For example, the fact that they believe the end times will happen when the antichrist establishes a one-world government, have led many conservative evangelicals to believe that the antichrist will be a socialist/communist parading around as a democrat. This is totally absurd. The Bible holds no political partisans. A correct interpretation of the Bible does not instill radical fears.


The Bible does not offer a straight-up explanation for the end times. How this current world will end is shrouded in mystery. People often take things said in context to biblical times and sloppily apply it to today. Just like no one knows exactly how Christ return, neither does anyone really know who, if either Obama or Mccain, will make the best president. All it is, is simple guessing. And to the best of my knowlege, Obama is not the anti-christ, and it is not only unsafe, but extremely judgmental to believe he could be at this point. Please don't make judgments on presidential candidates based on pop eschatology. Thanks.

These Days

I recently have been poking my head around Portland, Or blogs (I spent a summer there interning at a really hip church). And I realize a little something missing from my life. These blogs mainly have a very local feel- that they're connected to businesses and different going-ons around the area. There is a real sense of community there.

I'm in Manassas, VA. It's a little suburb 40 miles outside DC. Sometimes when I get over the traffic and getting lost, I enjoy DC, proper and the immediate surrounding areas. But I do not enjoy Manassas. I am quite honest about that, well, with everyone. How to describe Manassas?

-A lot of trees but nowhere to go to just enjoy nature. (You can drive 30 minutes to visit a certain national park I worked at this summer, with the largest piedmont forest in the national park system.
-Lots of industrial parks.
-A disarming economic gap between certain neighborhoods.
-Lots of the typical chain businesses you'd see in most suburban localities. Not a lot of small, independent businesses last very long here.
-Not a lot of jobs around in non-profit work (although this area needs more non-profits), writing/editing or anything I'm halfway interested in.
-Not a lot to do, unless you're willing to drive out of Manassas.
-Hardly any arts culture scene
-Not a lot of people in their twenties- most of them have bailed by now. Not a big resource of meeting people your own age. Since I've been working at Starbucks, I've met a lot of high schoolers and a lot of people just 1 or 2 years out of high school doing the local college thing.

This area to me is kind of a suburban waste land. But somethings keeping me here. Like if I keep tapping on the ground, fresh floods of water will come streaming through. I know I sound crazy. But I feel like God's not done with me here. This goes beyond being forced to stay due to having no money to live on my own. I feel very heavy in me the need to stay around and make a difference.

I wish I had a community like Portland. It seems so easy to tap into local sources and connect with people who have a similar vision. But Portland doesn't need me. People like me run rampant there. I'm one in a thousand.
Manassas needs me. And I haven't figured out how or why just yet.

But there's something there.

What good DOES Manassas have?

- a cute Old Town area
-a small town feel, where it feels like you know or recognize A LOT of people (comes from your family being there a long time)
-local farms nearby (farmer's market in Old Town on Thursdays and Saturdays)
-two Chipotle's (yes it's chain, but I LOVE it)
-better bike riding roads than Newport News
-driving around there on a sunny, breezy day feels so nice
-much more low-key and laid-back than other parts of Northern Virginia
-For a town with barely any arts culture, there's sure a lot of interesting, eclectic people to run into if you're around Starbucks a lot (which I am)
-a very small community-oriented missions-oriented church I'm involved in (it's my home church I grew up in, and it's not perfect and sometimes I can only take the charismatic stuff in doses, but I really enjoy being part of it)
-potential for non-profits to thrive
-potential in general

There is truth in the green letters!

If you know me and my views from the past two years, you know that I frequently try to educate my fellow Christian believers about the importance of environmental stewardship and the theological framework set up in the Bible.

You would think I'd be ecstatic, then, that there's recently been published a Green-Letter Bible.

I'm not. I'm weirded out. Study bibles are usually intended to provide context or look at the bible from a certain theological/historical perspective. For example, the Archaeological Study Bible provides heavy historical context. I love to read my Literary Study Bible, because it helps me study the bible using themes, genres and other literary devices.

But this Bible does not provide context. It provides a series of articles contributed by an impressive roll of writers before we make it to Genesis. I'd be personally interested in reading these articles for my personal research.
But dedicating an entire Bible to it? It sounds a little sketch. Couldn't they just edit a book? That would be such a valuable asset to my collection.

But here is the oddest part- they highlight all the parts about the environment in green letters. To put a proper framework around it these highlighted parts address
· how God and Jesus interact with, care for, and are intimately involved with all of creation.
· how all the elements of creation—land, water, air, plants, animals, humans—are interdependent.
· how nature responds to God.
· how we are called to care for creation

These are the very things that I am involved in learning about. But putting them in green letters in the Bible without a proper context? To me, that's borderline heretical. That's taking God's words within the text and making them yours. These very verses I have used to support my arguments in papers, but do I go through everyone's bible and mark them up? No.

In the ChristianityToday Blog, Brandon O'brien brings up two very good points about this:

1)

"The selection of passages aside, I have two concerns with this method of highlighting biblical text. The first is this: the implicit argument in the green lettering is that by sheer bulk of words in green print, the editors prove that creation care is a central concern of the Bible. But what if we tried a different subject—say, violence. A faculty of editors color-codes a Bible so that every passage that references an act of violence is printed in purple ink. Would that, by sheer bulk, prove conclusively that violence is at the center of God’s plan of redemption? Or what about gold-lettering all the instances of sexual perversion? What I mean is this: frequency is not a compelling argument without context."

2)
"Speaking of context, I’m afraid the letter coloring will distract, in many places, from the actual theological significance of a passage. Take Genesis 2, for example. The majority of the chapter appears in green, except—oddly—a brief reference to the second river in Eden, Gihon (but the bit about Pishon is in green). The Lord’s proclamation that it is not good for the man to be alone is in black, as is the great crescendo of the chapter: “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh…” I can understand why the institution of marriage is not “green.” But the predominance of green ink in that chapter diverts attention from the real significance of the passage—the completion of the creation of humankind"


When I told my dad about this Bible he said it was the Left trying to swing the Christian vote their way by taking over the environmental issues. Which I think is ridiculous because I know that the Right, in their campaigns have been addressing the environment and it will become a bi-partisan issue. But I can't help but think that this Bible takes a political turn- not to left or right or politics, but of promoting a single issue through the Bible. It reminds of the end-times Bibles they used to print all the time.

I think this is a disastrous idea, but if you plan on buying this Bible, please make copies of the articles for me. Thanks, it will help in my research.

getting distressingly lost is not my favorite thing

I've felt the need to branch out and get to know more people, lately. Especially girls. Which is why I really want to plug into an all-girls small group, which is why I went to a college service, called the Gathering tonight. Which was how the mishaps of the evening began.

First off, I HATE being the newcomer at a church group of young people. It's never not awkward if you go completely alone. Which is what I did. Not that I didn't try to invite people, mind you. I texted about 8 different people, but they all had different things going on. But I was determined. I would go and meet friends and join a small group. Yes, I am a bit of an idealist.

So I have been to Mason not too many times. I google mapped the campus. Mishap #1: Allowing google maps to direct you to a road with a dead end, with no hint of where you're actually trying to go. I've sworn off google maps a number of times, but I always end using it again. It's a bad drug.

I took a phone a friend, since many of my friends around here commute to Mason, and I got there. That was half the battle. Now I needed to park and find this building I was to go to. Parking lots confused me, but I finally settled in one. Note: I did not see any sign entering this Mason Pond Deck which stated that they did not accept credit cards. I walked into this building which was like a Student Union, but it seemed more like a mall to me. I remembered I had been there once before for some benefit concert I went to with a guy a few years back. I finally found the event itself on the ground level- I was a half an hour late. I missed most of worship. And I missed meet n greet, which would've been critical to me meeting people. Hated that cause I mostly went to worship and meet people. The sermon was good, on the lighter side compared to Kevin Hass' sermons but on the heavy side when compared to a high school youth group. It honestly wasn't bad. I even jotted a few things down.

After the service was the awkward time. People were in their groups and I didn't find any openings for conversation. I talked to a total of two people at the Connect table, and haphazardly made my way around the room before giving up and leaving (and they have no small groups near Manassas since it is mostly Mason-baed).

So I went out a different door then I came in, thinking it would take me to the same place. Boy, I was wrong. Mishap #2: I walked for 20 minutes in this parking lot, before I met a nice woman who was probably on the faculty who helped figure out that I was in the wrong parking deck. Ughhhh. To make matters worse, she didn't know quite how to direct me to the other parking deck. So I bothered people, talked to strangers (well one girl, and two guys who were leaving the Gathering) and finally figured out I could just go back up a floor the way I came in, and EVERYTHING WOULD MAKE SENSE FROM THERE. and it did.

Mishap #3: Found my car in no time. Prepared my credit card to leave. (In the other parking lot I saw a sign which said it JUST took credit cards, so I felt pretty good). Of course, I ended up in the parking lot that didn't take credit cards. I didn't have cash, or my checkbook. I felt so bad. I told the parking attendant that I was at an event but hadn't been at the school before to know anything about parking. He didn't seem to believe me as he asked me later about my Mason student ID. I didn't have ANYTHING. And I cried. I felt like a conman but I really wasn't trying to jip him. I honestly could not do anything.

He told me there was ATM nearby. I explained to him that the last thing I wanted to do was get lost again. That's actually when I started to cry.

He let me go. But I feel so bad for jipping him. Would if he had to pay that money from his own pocket? I felt horrible about it. I know it's a small thing, but anything little that triggers my guilt suddenly pushes me into a very deep pit. I feel anxious and very depressed...even with a small thing. They trigger the big things.

That ended up making my whole evening feel like a waste. Like a sham. When it was not all that bad. I hate responding to those triggering little things which eat you up inside.

One of my favorite evangelical authors is endorsing Obama

Donald Miller, writer of really honest, thought-provoking narrative books on faith like "Blue Like Jazz" and "Searching for God Knows What" is joining the Barack Obama: Faith, Family and Values Tour.

I have a very mixed reaction. Honestly, I have no idea who I'm voting for. While Obama is an inexperienced idealist who is probably much more corruptible than his rhetoric leads people to believe, Mccain is Bush #2 who just happens to have experience and a maverick history (not to mention I am not a fan of his running mate).

I just had a conversation with some friends last night on how involved the Church should be in the government or politics. Should Christians stay out of government entirely and just focus on sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ to individuals, or should we look out for mass society making sure the laws of the land frees the oppressed and oppressors from oppressing? I don't have the answer.


I do believe that to an extent we stayed involved. Yes, we want the government to make ethical God-honoring laws. But politics becomes a messy thing. Both sides don't have it right. Both sides are not entirely ethical.

Honestly, it bothers me when I go to Church and either liberal or conservative politics are preached to me. I don't think the pulpit exists for those platforms. There's a danger in manipulating people to vote a certain way, there's abuse of authority and thirst of power associated with that.

But Donald Miller isn't a pastor. He's a Christian who happens to write faith-inspired books (kinda like what I want to do). And he's taking a stand for something he believes in, and speaking out against the assumption that evangelical voters need to vote Republican. Still, he does have many followers who eat up his books and the words he says. If he's gonna continue on this political trail, he needs to be careful.

I have not made up my mind on how I feel about this campaign tour. I guess we will see what the fruit of it is.

He did the benediction for the DNC convention. This is interview he had with Christianity Today before it. He made some good points, but none which really tells me why he's a democrat instead of an independent.



And the benediction itself:

strictly heretical and absurd

Dear Bill Maher,

You don't get it. One does not have to be an intellectual to be saved by Jesus Christ. You don't have to be anything. You can receive Jesus on basis of God's grace by faith alone. There's no works involved, no intellect needed.

But that does not mean God doesn't give plenty of his people brains. There is a huge array of Christian intellectuals out there, but you don't even consider them. I may have just watched the trailer of your new film Religuous, but I did not see Ravi or Piper or Tim Keller or Sproul or Riddlebarger represented. There were lots of beautiful people you interviewed and made a total fool of, who did not have the apologetics or who were matched in your intellect to show you down. To prove you wrong. Interesting choice.

But yes, even those intellectuals will be foolish in your sight. For God chooses the foolish to shame the wise. There a lot of Christians out there who do not have a good grasp of theology or apologetics, but this is because some churches are not out there teaching it. I don't think that's a good thing, I that Christians should always be prepared to give good reason. But that does not mean that these people don't have good hearts. And it does not make them robots. Not all humans are blessed with your high, austere level of intellect. Thank God. We would all be very cold-hearted, pretentious individuals who glorify ourselves, deeply crooked beings in our nature, instead of glorifying what is ultimately Good and Righteous. I thank God for these "crazy" people. They show passion, devotion, spirit and heart. Much more than your stone-like cynicism will ever achieve.

So if you wanna take on Christianity, or faith in general, as you do in your film. Go to the theologians, people who study faith and study reason and still believe. I would have to watch your movie to see if you do that or not, but after viewing your trailer, I am deeply disturbed and would not like to send $10 your way. Maybe I'll just bootleg your movie to rip you off, so I can see that my fears are validated- that not one reasonably intellectual Christian was recorded in the making of this film.

Watch the trailer, here
http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi3857252633/

choices

I'm finally about 98% sure about my response to a decision I have to make. Phew. I hate the choice but like it, because it may just be the smarter thing to do.

Sometimes the smartest thing is the least appealing thing. But I just gotta go ahead with it.

what i am running from

Somebody recently told me that, like Jonah, I'm running away from something God wants me to do and what ever that is, that's what I should be doing.

As he said that, in my heart I completely knew it was true. In my head I said, "That can't be! I've kept my options open to do anything!"

But today I realized that it wasn't about doing it RIGHT now or even the very near future, but positioning my heart in a place where it's getting READY. And I have not focused my heart at all on something that a year ago I would tell basically everyone and anyone I wanted to do.

I realize that running away has nothing to do with "keeping my options open." I avoid thinking about. I avoid praying about it. I am negligent to tell people about my trip to Kenya and uncomfortable and awkward when I try to explain it. I am more negligent of world news (which is mighty easy with politics always on the tube).

I have tried my hardest to assimilate (not integrate) into a society which I re-entered after a two month cross-cultural trip. Which was hard. And I am still affected by it. I try to make myself fit in as much as possible in the cultural climate I'm in. Some might say that's good and healthy to try to place prior prejudices aside and try to get along with everyone...but as I mentioned...there's a distinct difference between integration (good) and assimilation (bad) and I have too easily assimilated here.

Now I can hardly imagine doing what I wanted to do a year ago, although I still set it as an option for later on.

When is "later one?

Why am I running away? Why am I completely shut down to doing any sort of missions work (I mean c'mon, you've had to guess that with the context)?

Fear. I am scared. If I keep talking about my heart condition I'll completely demean myself. I am afraid of motives, most of all. And I'm afraid I'm not good enough and I can not love enough and that I need to be near perfect before I can even consider doing missions work. And lastly, a concern I rarely used to have, I'm afraid of no security- no money, no health benefits, no steady community, no future fill in the blank. I really like life cushy and comfortable right now.

So there it is. Pray for me, yes?

This just IN

I started a food blog.

http://thehungeryears.blogspot.com/

It was only a matter of time.

meditation is a lost art

God's people have been practicing meditation since Genesis.

Christians have practicing it since the roots of the Way.

Why is it a lost art in modern day Christianity?

Why will most Christians note it as some strictly Zen yoga thing if it's mentioned?

Meditation is crucial to the spiritual disciplines.

Some of you might think, o it's just Janelle, "that hippie", saying this. Well I am not coming to you as a hippie but as a Christ follower when I mention critical things to our faith such as meditation, social justice, and environmental stewardship. These are so much more than just strong opinions of mine- they go to the heart of Christ. Please do not let my apparent liberalism distract you from the real matter at hand.

But, I digress.

Meditation is simply a great thing, which on my own wisdom, I would not even consider. I had to first of all humble myself to read this little book called Celebration of Discipline by Richard J. Foster.
In this book, he explains the importance of spiritual disciples such as prayer, fasting, worship, meditation and scripture. Even though we cannot work to obtain God's love, because it is freely given to us if we receive, does not mean we do not strive on to know and love God. God's grace is not cheap and to be taken for granted.

The first chapter after the introduction covers meditation and I am eating it up. The past couple of days, I've been doing a couple med exercises from the book, and even making some up as I go (because there is no formula to it). I feel so much more free and open to God's spirit than I have lately, and I have a long way to go in my disciplines but I already get a sense of true communion with God. It's a really moving thing.

At church today, I heard a sermon on the same plane. The Western Church is focused on growth and performance. In my time in college, where I grew most with God at all in my life, I struggled a lot with treating my faith like a performance art. I knew all the right answers. And I seemed passionate. With me was carried a charisma that delighted other people. But it wasn't always real. I played a game. It was called, get people to like me, because they won't if they see just a timid, anxious girl. As I said, it was something I recognized and I struggled a lot with. I wanted so badly to become genuine. To become real. Even with that, I felt like I had fooled people. I've had friends and even mere acquaintances would tell me that I am one of the most genuine people they knew. I never felt like a bigger farce. And I would try to dissuade them from that opinion. But beating yourself down is not humility, and it's not true sincerity.

And again, I digress.

The sermon was about how it's not about performance but tapping into the inner man. As trite as it may sound, it's what's going on in the inside that matters. Spending quiet time alone with God is probably one of the best things you can do. Not some big act of Charity. Not praying loudly on a street corner, or some big conference, not using InterVarsity merely as means of social time.

I seldom take quiet times. It kind of makes my heart sad. I have an amazing opportunity to sit in the presence of the King of the Universe, but I am just too content listening to Radiohead and writing on someone's Facebook wall.

Foster says that superficiality is the curse of our age. I believe it. If you've seen me lately, obsessing more about weight and hair even more than books, finding out about the coolest music, you would see I'm living proof. Even people like me who prance around as if they were "too good for that," counter-culture, deep, contemplative people, indulge in meaningless vanities- all the time with a blink of the eye, not a second to lose.

Time to quiet down and listen. Noise down, ears opens, heart receptive.

(more to follow as I discover)

stunned..baffled really

I can't believe how low people will stoop for money. How people will so eagerly take advantage of their loved ones.

It's that "Arrested Development" sense of blatantly suspended morals. Funny on TV. Absolutely disgusting in real life.

choices

I have a decision to make that I'm not comfortable making on my own competance.

I haven't even felt very competant to pray lately.

So if everyone who reads this who likes to pray can pray for direction in my life that would be much appreciated.

If you wanna know what to pray for, please e-mail me at janelloespo@gmail.com.

It's the first of September and a new beginning

Like it or not God is breaking me to draw him closer to Himself.

I give him all the praise for that!

Lately, I have been less than broken and incredibly prideful.

I am so ready to give it ALL to the Lord.

I want to grow closer to God.

I've been having a hard time doing that in this context (this place).


I need a lot of purposeful, intentional time to myself.


And I really like Cape Canaveral by Conor Oberst. Weird. I hated him when he was Bright Eyes.

Ha. I really need to weed out distractions.

It's time to weed and seed.

an inconsistent blog of staggering brilliance

This post has no topic I'm staying with, so keep up.


I am officially employed. By Starbucks. Unless you know me real well, you don't understand the hilarity of this. A year ago, I would NEVER work at Starbucks. I thought they were a corporate devil, kicking out the smaller, more local coffee businesses. I didn't even like their coffee. But now I am working for them. How do I feel?

Not guilty. I think they have picked up some better ethics. And the more I learn about them, the more I like them.

However, part of me feels like I have sold myself short. Not that there is anything wrong with being a barista. Some people make a rather nice profession out of it. But I feel like I have just signed up to never leave Manassas. I mean, of course if I move, I can work at a Starbucks elsewhere. Duh. But will I have enough money to move anywhere? I'd have to be really really smart about saving money.

I feel, since I don't have a well-paying full-time job I'm gonna be in Manassas forever. That's like, one of my top 3 fears in life.

warning: you may need a dictionary to get through this part of my post

Moving on...eschatology. One of my least favorite topics has been fascinating me lately. I don't really like getting in depth about end times study. Sometimes I feel that its a big waste of time. Then end times theologians will use these verbose words that no one really knows the true meaning of and take literal interpretations out of very very metaphorical, symbolic passages. Also, some churches put WAY too much emphases on eschatology, especially those who uphold the dispensational pre-millennialist view point (see what I mean by verbose words?). Their eschatology determines almost everything they do. I mean, seriously, what about the gospel? It's secondary. Jesus' 1000 year earthly reign: far more important.

I can see from my readings that I am not dispensationalist. I don't think there will be a rapture or a 1000 year reign. I am not a postmillenialist, which is this viewpoint held by many progressives that Christ will return, after we, as humans, save the world. Uh-huh. That's a tad optimistic.

I like amillennialism the best out of three, but that doesn't completely satisfy me. I like how it views the reign of Christ as a symbolic reign through the years, but that still Christ is coming back and will consummate new heavens and new earth. The thing I like most about it is that it points more towards Christ and not towards human works. I like the ideas of covenant theology and partial preterism. But I don't think the whole thing is completely infallible.

I think eschatology is one of those mysteries of God which we are not supposed to have hammered out. I don't think it should dictate how we live our faith.

Will I do further research on this? Depends. It's not high on my priority list but good stuff to read to quench curiosity.

On to other things, I have just rejoined myspace. And I ran into a myspace page of "This American Life," a hilarious radio show on NPR. Unbeknown st to me, they have a TV show now on Showtime, and I browsed through some pretty great clips of it.
Here are my favorite two:

1) TAL TV: The Beard Chart



Visit ThisAmericanLife.org for more.


2) TAL TV:This Little Piggy Made Me VomitVisit ThisAmericanLife.org for more.

t-shirts that "fit" me, the English dork

A couple of volunteers at the park came in on their day off to wish me goodbye. One of them had a Shakespeare shirt on and thought I'd be proud...

and that started an investigation.









http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/womens-light-tshirt/124060289




http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/walt-whitman/25568355




http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/quit-work-go-to-the-woods-w-dark-tshirt/177557392#




http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/so-much-depends-kids-tshirt/50900062



http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/literary-emily-dickinson-poetry-womens-light-tsh/107216442

a little tired from job hunting

I'm struggling to figure out what is more important to me at THIS POINT of my life- a meaningful job I can be passionate about, or a job where I make bank.

I seem unable to obtain either.

The job market sucks. I'm gonna write a screenplay and maybe make a movie with Nicole. Maybe thats what it should about. Liberal arts majors trying to get paid to DO SOMETHING. Anything. Kinda like 'Reality Bites' but apply it to today's terrible economy and slightly different lifestyles.

Tomorrow's my last day at Prince William Forest Park. Never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna miss working. But then again it will be nice to be able to find A JOB and not slave labor (aka SCA internship).

these non-pessimistic posts keep coming

This will be optimistic post #2.

God is showing me he is faithful and that he provides. Even though I don't have any bites for full-time salaried jobs.

I had an interview for a coffee shop in Clifton yesterday and will have an interview for a part-time after school job teaching English on Thursday.

I'm hoping I get both jobs- and together that will almost be like a real job!

But it's good to know I'm not stranded, doing nothing after my internship. I got some possibilities. Who knows where they will lead?

Asante sana Yesu!

all you need is love

I am DONE being a pessimist.

It's time to find joy in life. Not scrutinize it, yanking out all the bad things. Dwelling on all the uncertainty. Embrace uncertainty. It's exciting. It's adventurous. It's a wild ride.

My life is a life in flux (hence the name of the blog).

I notice that listening to oldies lifts up my spirits.

But even more so, feeling loved.

We had a family reunion this weekend. Now that was love. It's love when you see people you have only met once or twice in your life and they fully embrace you.

I feel love from being able to converse with older women without feeling the generation gap. But simply chatting and being affirmed by them as a woman.

I feel love when I eat my grandma's cooking.

I feel love when I can get along wonderfully with my cousin who couldn't be more different than me.

I feel love when a college friend calls me just because.

I feel love when friends invite me out, even if I can't go.

I feel love when I embarrass myself beyond belief but everybody just laughs.

I feel love when someone cleans up after me.

I feel love from seeing friends at weddings.

I feel love from weirdo inside jokes such as klaus the gnome.

I feel God's love when finding a new place I had yet to discover.

I feel God's love when I can find joy from a simple car ride down a winding road.

I feel love when people read my stories and poems even though I'm kind of embarrassed by them.

I feel God's love when I experience humorous consequences from mistakes I make.

I feel love when dancing in a group of friends.

I feel love when my grandma talks up my acting based simply on a videotape of a high school play I was in.

I feel love when my friends stalk my facebook.

I feel love when I watch the office with my brother.

I feel love when my old roommate still texts me Arrested Development lines.

I feel love when people affirm my talents. Or that I'm smart. Or beautiful.

I feel love with the couple of friends who I know I can call about my problems and they will really listen. No matter when.

In many areas, I don't feel love. And I want that love but I know it'll take time.

I need to let go of my expectations and embrace the love I do have.

On a slightly related note, I love oldies music. It's idealistically romantic. That reminds me I shouldn't settle on whatever seems to be in front of me. Or whatever seems easy. That sorta love IS out there for me, and it'll be grand, but I cannot settle for less. Or focus on boys who won't pursue me.

That sort of love is out there. But for now, I do have love. God loves me. My family loves me. And my friends love me. And I have friends everywhere. In different cities, states and even countries.

I love that.

i have written a lot of little poems lately. i need to start revising.


i have an ongoing novel-turned-movie cinematically panning scenes through my head. but i find little rest to write it all down.


i have ignored my bounds of summer reading.

its not like i have too much to do.

it's that i have a one-track mind- lift. run. yoga. hike. bike. eat a little. socialize.resumes.cover letters. repeat several times over.

i'm sorry literature, the elliptical machine is now my best friend. until i'm at a nice weight, i may speak with you less often.

god, i will try not to do the same to you.

a little letter

Dear Lord,

When I fall in love, I want it to be as filled with startling, all-consuming passion as the movie "Music From Another Room."

Does that exist?

Look forward to hearing your response!

Your Daughter,
Janelle

an odd number

"A real Christian in an odd number anyway. He feels supreme love for One whom he has never seen, talks familiarly every day to Someone he cannot see, expects to go to heaven on the virtue of Another, empties himself in order to be full, admits he is wrong so he can be declared right, goes down in order to get up, is strongest when he is weakest, richest when he is poorest, and happiest when he feels worst. He dies so he can live, forsakes in order to have, gives away so he can keep, sees the invisible, hears the inaudible, and knows that which passes knowledge."

Does anyone know which A.W. Tozer book that quote is from? I really like it.

On another note, as a proud CNU InterVarsity Alum, I wanted to share the new cnu IV website! www.cnuiv.com

From the front page, Beth G. does such a great job communicating what this college ministry is all about. It's got me missing InterVarsity, for certain. But, as much as I miss it, I know it's time to move forward into my post-college spiritual life.

Why is it so hard to continue being a Christian after college? That's a future blog which I will try to answer.

For me, it was really easy to develop ideals and opinions about my faith in college. It seems that life now is about putting those ideals into practice. But when you work a 9-5 job, it gets hard to care. That's what it's been like for me, anyway. The thing that sobers me about Tozer's quote is that most of the time I just don't care. A Christian is an odd number.

asante sana yesu!

In kiswahili, that simply means "thank you very much Jesus!"

God's been speaking into my life, powerfully, today. It's the first time in awhile that I'm gripping a few pieces of his huge, mysteriously difficult jigsaw puzzle. Lord, give me ears to hear and eyes to see! Through everything. Through my lunch break, through Kay Arthur's prophesy, through conversation with my parents and new friends, through sermons, through my brother, even through GodTV!

Faith and belief is coming alive to me in a renewed, refreshed sense. I've been caught in a spiritual famine and have been dealing with a lot of doubt. This is nothing miniscule. Every day, it seems like, I'm tempted to walk away from God, for good. It's a daily struggle to just even put a little bit of faith in God and trust in him.

I've been downloading sermons which Kevin Hass has been preaching at By Grace, since I left Newport News to go back home. This has been only a recent activity, starting last week. I would burn a cd for each sermon from the computer, and listen to them coming and going from work. Now, there is nothing great in me doing this. I always seem to miss the point. But today, I listened to a sermon from Luke 9 and Mark 9 which Hass preached awhile ago, and the Word of God came alive to me. Now don't misunderstand, although Hass is a really solid teacher, it wasn't from him alone. What he was preaching actually resonated with a lot of teachings I have heard about faith since I've been home either from church, or bible study or from my dad, and have simply rejected, or brought into huge question. I guess the difference was that Hass was inductively going through a chunk of scripture which is how I prefer to be taught (I mean, don't we all have our preferences?). But there was absolutely no difference in the main message, in what God's been trying to hammer into me all along. There was even no big difference in this message than a message I heard on GodTV the night before (a channel I very frequently, and not so secretly, become skeptical of).

The message?

Have faith in God.

I'll let the passage in Mark 9 say what needs to be said. It preaches for itself. The text is so alive.
(I'll bolden what particularly hits me).

Mark 9:14-29
And when they came to the disciples, they saw a great crowd around them, and scribes arguing with them. And immediately all the crowd, when they saw him, were greatly amazed and ran up to him and greeted him. And he asked them, "What are you arguing about with them?" And someone from the crowd answered him, "Teacher, I brought my son to you, for he has a spirit that makes him mute. And whenever it seizes him, it throws him down, and he foams and grinds his teeth and becomes rigid. So I asked your disciples to cast it out, and they were not able." And he answered them, "O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me." And they brought the boy to him. And when the spirit saw him, immediately it convulsed the boy, and he fell on the ground and rolled about, foaming at the mouth. And Jesus asked his father, "How long has this been happening to him?" And he said, "From childhood. And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." And Jesus said to him, "'If you can'! All things are possible for one who believes." Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!" 25And when Jesus saw that a crowd came running together, he rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, "You mute and deaf spirit, I command you, come out of him and never enter him again." And after crying out and convulsing him terribly, it came out, and the boy was like a corpse, so that most of them said, "He is dead." But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up, and he arose. And when he had entered the house, his disciples asked him privately, "Why could we not cast it out?" And he said to them, "This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer."

Here's a link to the sermon if you want to check it out-http://www.bygraceonline.org/sermons/audio_sermons_2008.htm
It's on Luke 9:36-50 from May 25, 2008.


I took a walk in the woods today and I wanted to share a little bit about it. There was a part in the trail where I became absolutely petrified of my surroundings. Paranoid that I'd get bit by a black widow or be approached by a poisonous snake. Or worse, that I'd run into some horrible serial killer because I was all alone in the isolated wilderness. I don't normally get like that. I have a lot of emotional fears but not a lot of paranoia. I very often walk into danger, completely oblivious to it, because quite frankly I don't usually take too much care. Well, I was freaked out. I walked faster, afraid that some spider would put its venom into my veins. And at some point, I started praying. I have a lot to pray about and I basically surrendered everything. And I kept on repeating, "Lord, I belive, Father, I believe, Spirit, I believe, I believe in you. Help my unbelief. Help me. Help me. Help me." I thought about the positive of being in this time of spiritual famine: that through this, God is showing how GREAT and MAJESTIC his grace and mercy is that he would save and love a complete and totally depraved wretch like me. In the past year, I've felt this. And I did not appreciate why God was doing it, I did not even ask why but instead kept asking God to remove it from me. But today, God brought me into appreciation for this dry time, as absurd as it may sound. That through seeing my depravity, I could genuinely enter into God's grace and overwhelming presence. That I need to submit to God TOTALLY and completely depend on Him at ALL times.

I didn't GET it before. I KNEW it in my HEAD. But I DIDN'T GET IT!

Thank you Jesus for helping my unbelief. I have so much farther to go, but just this little mustard seed makes a world of difference.

the hunger years

I want to write a book with that title. I think that's title been used already. Anyone know? I don't want to face reality by looking it up.

The reason why I'm not setting down to write anything is because it'd be a little too autobiographical. Not like writers don't do that shamelessly, but I need a little bit of distance from things before I can write about them, and ultimately, fictionalize them.

"The Hunger Years" would be about an idealistic girl who just graduated college and has no clue how her life is supposed to be. She feels a strong calling to go back to her hometown, but when she gets there, she starts to experience a deep spiritual hunger which she finds herself incapable to feed. More summary to come later.

call and response

I wish people were more open with each other. That way I wouldn't feel so miserable about my own life all the time. I particularly wish that more church leaders would take on more vulnerability. At a time where I'm trying to grasp for some example of a real, breathing, fallen being trying to live out their spiritual walk, I find very few honest people who are transparent in a Christ-like way.

I've been doubting my faith a lot lately. I hear all these teachings- really good, powerful teachings. I know I can never live up to them. And I simply have very little desire to even do so. And I know that's the point- we are deprived human beings and we cannot possibly do it without Christ's grace carrying us through. But sometimes I feel as though he doesn't care about me anymore. These are merely feelings I know and we cannot trust in feelings. My feelings do not determine my relationship with God. But it'd sure be nice if I could for once feel his presence in my life.

I know I'm not doing enough. I have very poor discipline. Some in the church suggest that it's not about what you do, it's what God does. And some suggest that you need to work at your faith, and pursue God (with the assumption that this in a response to his pursuit of you). I think it's both, and I feel a little less Calvinist at this moment because I know he's already done the work. He's called me and now he's waiting for my response. But at the same time, I am a complete Calvinist, knowing that I can't respond on my own. Maybe it's due to depression, or maybe it's general human condition. I can't do it! I can't save me from myself!!

God, please save me from myself!!

words of mr. bazan

sums up where i'm at right now...

"you're up with the sunrise
and down when the work's been done
with excellence industry
diligence naturally
i would like to be you
just for a few habit-forming years
laziness cuts me like fine cutlery
i need a miracle - someone to help me
myself
sweet jesus, i need you
forgive me this sin
not hookers or heroin, gambling or gin
it sounds so ridiculous, but i just can't lift this
i need a miracle - someone to help me myself
someone to help me
help myself "

surrender

that's the keyword in my life right now.

Reaching for an Invisible God

I was thoroughly enjoying Phillip Yancey's Reaching for An Invisible God but then he got all Armenian on me. Ugh.

While he brings up some good points, I with my little knowledge of theology, could easily challenge a couple of them.

But that's for another blog. It doesn't matter if he's Armenian or Calvinist. This book is good and I just wish all of the people who have told me that Christians are supposed to be happy optimists would read it. It discusses just about every issue and doubt Christians have about Christian faith. Lately I have doubted the presence of my own faith due to my constant pessimism but Yancey challenges that assumption.

I may turn this into a longer blog later. For now, I don't have much more to say. Just pick it up and read it for yourself.

another frustration

Do you ever feel like God's putting you on hold?

What do you do in that waiting time? Especially when you have no self-benefitting motivation to read your bible or pray because it seems like God's just gonna keep going in his ambiguities.

Doing anything just to glorify God with no expectations is just really counter-intuitive.

God's sovereignty in his relationship with us

As much as many people try to dismiss the significance of the armenian vs. calvinism debate, I have found that it's been pretty important. At least in my personal walk with God.

A lot of things I do an a lot of things I think are influenced by the whole topic. One thing I wonder about-

Sometimes I sit in church. And I enjoy the worship and maybe sing with it, but I don't particularly feel moved to jump out of my chair and clap and sing. Maybe I am in a more contemplative mood. Or maybe I'm honestly distracted by outside things.

Is this a sovereign thing or my own free will acting? I feel that God moves us when he wills, but then again, we have to take a part of it. We have to willfully respond.

But then again, if God wills us to worship when he does, does that make us respond like robots?

I do think, though, that sovereign action is taken when we worship. I, on my own accord, in my own flesh, have no will to worship God. However, he still shows up, and when I am unwilling to see him, in small disruptive ways.

And another topic for another blog is the issue of the permanence of our salvation. I have to be honest. Almost every day, I feel the urge to walk away from God. I've seriously threatened him that I do it. His response: it seems like he laughs kindly in my face and says "Oh sweet Janelle. I am never letting you go." And I want to walk away because the Christian life is hard and I'm tired of feeling like a failure. And I forget the gospel everyday. But God is this gravitational force which keeps pulling me. His lovingkindness and tender mercies speak enough truth into me to know that I am his child and I will forever be his.

And that's where questions about election and predestination step in. Will God ever let me go? No. Can I experience freedom in his love? Yes. But when will that happen? Has God set a specific time where he will suddenly lift the veil from my eyes or do I have to struggle in the spiritual disciplines to obtain it? I feel that it's a mixture of both. And I do have some personal responsibility in my walk with Jesus. To spend time with him. To pray. To love. To serve. To lead. To enjoy. To be a child. To glorify his name.

He has placed me here with this calling- and I have to follow it. Sure, he leads me but he's not gonna baby me through it.

expectant, not expecting

I honestly feel like a big jerk sometimes. Like I'm ready to get into an argument rather than to listen to someone much wiser than I am.

I sat through a teaching the other night which frustrated me. When asked why it did afterward, I couldn't even put it into words. Now I have words. It seemed too clear cut. Too simple. You're either this or that sorta mentality.

But the teaching wasn't wrong. I'm seeing that now. The way it was presented flustered me. But that turns out to be based on generational differences and much more minorly on theological differences than I thought. Different cultures approach things in different ways. And my generation is slightly more sophisticated than other generations before us. Does that mean we know more? Have a better way of presenting it? Or are we just so ambivalent that we're all over the place?

The teaching was on God's character of being a giver. Meaning, if we ask him of something, he will give. I do not think this happens in every situation, but I do believe that God has promised to answer the inmost desires of our heart and we just need to receive them. By faith, we have every blessing our Father gives to us.

I guess my response to this is to open myself more to receive from people. And give too. And receive from my Father. I think I'm generally pretty closed-off, emotionally, from God and from people.

Recieve his blessings. Receive his grace. And ask. It never hurts to ask.

But all in the meanwhile, I stumbled upon this very simple truth by Dr. Langberg on some advice column:

...everyone lives with uncertainty in life. None of us knows what awaits us tomorrow, and many people long for things in life they never get. Ultimately, the only certainty any Christian has is knowing the God who sees what tomorrow holds. God continually asks us to trust him—even in the midst of uncertainty.

I can't be certain that if I pray for God to give me a job, that he'll do it in the way I expect it to be. No one can place a time frame on him. But I can know God and trust him in my uncertainty.

To be expectant but not expecting.

trust in God, not intellect

As I have been home the past couple of weeks, I've been struggling to uphold and justify my version of faith versus some friends and family.

This has been wildly unsuccessful. My intellectual strivings towards God in trying to disprove a theology next to mine does not put my dependence on him, but on reason, logic and articles. Not that engaging your mind is bad. By no means! But relying on intellectual knowledge completely is harmful to one's faith.

Even apologist Ravi Zacharias thinks so. Every once in awhile, I listen to his podcast, "Let my people think" (you can download it for free on itunes). I listened to his most recent message on the account of Daniel, and he made a good point which I will butcher in my paraphrase: Human knowledge is often shortsighted and leans on the judgment of people. We must be a people who intellectually engages, but ultimately trusts and depends on God's wisdom.


Last night, I watched a pretty c-level movie "License to Wed" which was so bad it was hard to sit through. But I did get something out of it (akin to my spiritual enlightenment from the very bad "Evan Almighty"). John Krasinki's character did not trust the priest(Robin Williams) who was giving him and his fiance (Mandy Moore) an extreme marriage counseling course. He was so caught off guard by the priest's apparently devious and outrageous methods, that he committed himself to investigate for the priest's weak spot to bring it to his fiance, who did in fact trust the priest. He was so busy investigating that he did not even write his wedding vows in time.

And that actually convicted me. I've been so busy trying to disprove certain movements I've been skeptical about that I have not even spent any real time alone with God to receive his love and devote my vows to him and I have not been loving my friends and family well, because I've been more dependent on my skeptical logic than on God to heal me in a time I need him most.

I've been trying to be a leader when I need to be a child first (following this order: child- disciple- servant- leader). I need to focus on my own faith and my own healing before I become too caught up in changing everyone else.

i am praying for discernment.

these are difficult times.

i don't want to see anyone led astray.

Humanity's Sacred Union with the Earth

I finished my senior seminar paper this week (finished is a relative term, because while I completed it to turn in, it does not seem nearly finished).


I know many of you were interested in reading it. My paper is about the connections between sustainable farming and faith, which is rooted in the bond we should have with nature, being good caretakers of creation. This paper takes the attempt to live a Christian life in wholeness, in shalom, seriously. Wholeness in the gospel covers a lot of terf and one area is loving creation, while not setting it over God. If what I say interests you, puzzles you or captivates you, I urge you to read this essay.

Humanity's Sacred Union with the Earth: Broken, but Redeemed by Good Soil

the victory is ... ?

A lot of positive things have happened, all within a week.

I got an internship, I got a car, I won a short story award, I am passing all my classes to graduate, I've shared nostalgic memories with old friends, I've passed on wisdom to younger friends who strangely look up to me, I figured out the direction I need to head in next fall, I've gone for good walks, indulged in hot krispy kremes and have let life be fun.

Where is my victory? In none of this. Through everything, I've remained mildly depressed. I am so crooked deep down, it's hard to be grateful for all the good things, which are good.

I'm going to start reading Desiring God by John Piper today. I need to know about the happiness of God.

Though, God is showing me his goodness. I've doubted him so much this semester. I doubted his goodness. I looked to a bleak ending to my college life. I didn't think anything would work out.

It's time to embrace happiness. It's time to conquer my sins, through Christ's power alone. It's time to overcome. It's time to proclaim victory.

It's time to heal.

I love to sing this really loud in an empty house

FROM THE DEPTHS OF WOE (Psalm 130)
From the depths of woe I raise to Thee a voice of lamentation
Lord turn a gracious ear to me and hear my supplication
If thou iniquity dost mark, our secret sins and misdeeds dark
O who shall stand before thee? (Who shall stand before thee?)
To wash away the crimson stain grace, grace alone availeth
Our works alas are all in vain, in much the best life faileth
No man can glory in Thy sight, all must alike confess Thy might
And live alone by mercy (Live alone by mercy).
Therefore my trust is in the Lord and not in mine own merit
On Him my soul shall rest, His Word upholds my fainting spirit
His promised mercy is my fort, my comfort and my sweet support
I wait for it with patience (Wait for it with patience).
What though I wait the live-long night and till the dawn appeareth
My heart still trusteth in His might, it doubteth not nor feareth
Do thus, O ye of Israel’s seed, ye of the Spirit born indeed
And wait till God appeareth (Wait till God appeareth).
Though great our sins and sore our woes
His grace much more aboundeth
His helping love no limit knows, our utmost need it soundeth
Our shepherd good and true is He, who will at last His Israel free
From all their sin and sorrow (All their sin and sorrow)
Text: Martin Luther, 1523

healing time

I hate how emotions and anxieties from my past are reverberating now as I'm graduating. I don't understand it. But it's there. I cry whenever I hear Rosie Thomas sing "pretty dress" or Eisley sing "telescope eyes," because it feels so real to me, today.

I'm not typically a crier, but this semester I've been a river. especially this week. I cried so much during my last large group, but probably for different reasons than people thought.

I'm in such need of healing, but most of the time, I become apathetic rather than struggle with it, head on. I hide behind books, music,my laptop screen, superficial conversation, and intellectual debates.

why the evolution debate is irrelevant to christian faith

Yes, I said it. It's irrelevant.

The book of Genesis, what a great book. I find so many truths when I read it. When I read about the importance of Creation. When I see how humans were once in harmony with god and creation and then was deceived. When I see the trueness of human nature and how man and woman were made, equal yet in different roles.

I see a lot of truth in Genesis.

I don't see any science. The book of Genesis does not support creationism or evolution. We cannot tell from an oral, metaphorical account how exactly God made the earth and the heavens. All we know is that he made it. That does not necessarily go against evolution. God could have set evolution into motion. How can we even possibly perceive what one day is to God? Our concept of time is not God's concept of time.

I read this quote from the Bible Institute and I totally disagree-

"This is similar to what happened with the issue of evolution. Before Charles Darwin and Charles Lyell, no one ever thought that the Bible taught any evolutionary origins of life. After Evolution became accepted by many in society, religious people tried to bend and twist the Bible to fit evolution rather than allow the Bible to mean what it says. Result - the acceptance of the day-age theory, which is an effort to force Genesis to match the beliefs of the world."

No, the Bible does not teach evolutionary origins, but neither does it teach "creationist science." I believe that many people in the past have created big, deep heresy by trying to make up biblical facts about creationism. Making up speculations about how old the earth is according to the Bible, when the Bible does not concern that.

I am not saying that the Bible is removed from the material world. Agricultural science could be interpreted in many of Jesus' parables, and it is important to note that Paul in his ministry engaged culture instead of alienating it. When he spoke on Mars Hill in Acts 17, he acknowledged the Greeks' statue to an unknown God, claiming he knew who that God was. He engaged their philosophy, rather than becoming completely irrelevant.

Creationism is completely irrelevant to our culture. Why can't we embrace the tenants of what science is, rather than trying to create a "science" which is not respected by most scientists. Faith is not a science, we can't engage it as one. People move creationism should be taught in schools, and that is absurd. I might buy the argument for intelligent design, but I am not even positive if that should be taught as a science or a philosophy.

I think that there is nothing wrong with Christians accepting evolutionary theory. Personally, I do not know, scientifically, how we got here. But who was there at the beginning of creation to know? I am not satisfied with any explanation, but I do accept that everything in creation was made and we were created in God's image. I believe Genesis is truth, but it is not science.

Stop making a book something that it isn't.

things i think about

-Will there ever be a point in my life where I ever feel like I belong? Is there a place, a community on this globe I'm meant to be?

- Am I ever capable of living up to my own ideals? When is the point where living my ideals is a realistic venture and not a far-off dream?

- When will I stop wandering and feel settled? Where is my place of contentment if such a place exists in this life?

- Would finding my significant other actually complete me? I'm sure I'll find something to be discontent about, probably dealing with his weaknesses.

-How much is up to God and how much is my own choice? Will I ever hear a clear word from God about where I'm going?

-If I know I can find true joy in God, then why don't I spend more time enjoying his presence? Do I actually like/indulge in despair?

- How can I enjoy God's presence in a period of stormy weather? How can I enjoy him when I so easily distracted by so many frivolous things?

i wish...

i wish that i found satisfaction in God. i hate the things i try to find satisfaction in.

and i suck at guarding my heart, even when there is really no one who poses immediate threat.

how does one deal with despair? the easy, christian answer is to pray and read the bible. but what happens when you are so sunken in, you just don't feel like it. i know that "not feeling like it" is kind of a cop out.

church on sundays seem to be the only time i start to fall down on my knees and realize how much I need to pray and read the Word. and then i go about my week, like a half-hearted creature content in playing in mud piles.

during the week, my heart develops bad habits...these habits lead me to places i don't need to be. places i gravitate so naturally cause it's in my nature. i feel so steeped in this "casual" sin, that there seems to be no exit. it seems to be hopeless. i feel like i will never be healed of this. perhaps i'm wrong, cause Christ can do anything, but this is how I feel.


"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but I hate what I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to; no, the evil I do not want to do-- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me who does it.....

what a wretched (wo)man I am! who will rescue me from this body of death?


Thanks be to God- through Jesus Christ our Lord."


Romans 7