call and response

I wish people were more open with each other. That way I wouldn't feel so miserable about my own life all the time. I particularly wish that more church leaders would take on more vulnerability. At a time where I'm trying to grasp for some example of a real, breathing, fallen being trying to live out their spiritual walk, I find very few honest people who are transparent in a Christ-like way.

I've been doubting my faith a lot lately. I hear all these teachings- really good, powerful teachings. I know I can never live up to them. And I simply have very little desire to even do so. And I know that's the point- we are deprived human beings and we cannot possibly do it without Christ's grace carrying us through. But sometimes I feel as though he doesn't care about me anymore. These are merely feelings I know and we cannot trust in feelings. My feelings do not determine my relationship with God. But it'd sure be nice if I could for once feel his presence in my life.

I know I'm not doing enough. I have very poor discipline. Some in the church suggest that it's not about what you do, it's what God does. And some suggest that you need to work at your faith, and pursue God (with the assumption that this in a response to his pursuit of you). I think it's both, and I feel a little less Calvinist at this moment because I know he's already done the work. He's called me and now he's waiting for my response. But at the same time, I am a complete Calvinist, knowing that I can't respond on my own. Maybe it's due to depression, or maybe it's general human condition. I can't do it! I can't save me from myself!!

God, please save me from myself!!

words of mr. bazan

sums up where i'm at right now...

"you're up with the sunrise
and down when the work's been done
with excellence industry
diligence naturally
i would like to be you
just for a few habit-forming years
laziness cuts me like fine cutlery
i need a miracle - someone to help me
myself
sweet jesus, i need you
forgive me this sin
not hookers or heroin, gambling or gin
it sounds so ridiculous, but i just can't lift this
i need a miracle - someone to help me myself
someone to help me
help myself "

surrender

that's the keyword in my life right now.

Reaching for an Invisible God

I was thoroughly enjoying Phillip Yancey's Reaching for An Invisible God but then he got all Armenian on me. Ugh.

While he brings up some good points, I with my little knowledge of theology, could easily challenge a couple of them.

But that's for another blog. It doesn't matter if he's Armenian or Calvinist. This book is good and I just wish all of the people who have told me that Christians are supposed to be happy optimists would read it. It discusses just about every issue and doubt Christians have about Christian faith. Lately I have doubted the presence of my own faith due to my constant pessimism but Yancey challenges that assumption.

I may turn this into a longer blog later. For now, I don't have much more to say. Just pick it up and read it for yourself.

another frustration

Do you ever feel like God's putting you on hold?

What do you do in that waiting time? Especially when you have no self-benefitting motivation to read your bible or pray because it seems like God's just gonna keep going in his ambiguities.

Doing anything just to glorify God with no expectations is just really counter-intuitive.

God's sovereignty in his relationship with us

As much as many people try to dismiss the significance of the armenian vs. calvinism debate, I have found that it's been pretty important. At least in my personal walk with God.

A lot of things I do an a lot of things I think are influenced by the whole topic. One thing I wonder about-

Sometimes I sit in church. And I enjoy the worship and maybe sing with it, but I don't particularly feel moved to jump out of my chair and clap and sing. Maybe I am in a more contemplative mood. Or maybe I'm honestly distracted by outside things.

Is this a sovereign thing or my own free will acting? I feel that God moves us when he wills, but then again, we have to take a part of it. We have to willfully respond.

But then again, if God wills us to worship when he does, does that make us respond like robots?

I do think, though, that sovereign action is taken when we worship. I, on my own accord, in my own flesh, have no will to worship God. However, he still shows up, and when I am unwilling to see him, in small disruptive ways.

And another topic for another blog is the issue of the permanence of our salvation. I have to be honest. Almost every day, I feel the urge to walk away from God. I've seriously threatened him that I do it. His response: it seems like he laughs kindly in my face and says "Oh sweet Janelle. I am never letting you go." And I want to walk away because the Christian life is hard and I'm tired of feeling like a failure. And I forget the gospel everyday. But God is this gravitational force which keeps pulling me. His lovingkindness and tender mercies speak enough truth into me to know that I am his child and I will forever be his.

And that's where questions about election and predestination step in. Will God ever let me go? No. Can I experience freedom in his love? Yes. But when will that happen? Has God set a specific time where he will suddenly lift the veil from my eyes or do I have to struggle in the spiritual disciplines to obtain it? I feel that it's a mixture of both. And I do have some personal responsibility in my walk with Jesus. To spend time with him. To pray. To love. To serve. To lead. To enjoy. To be a child. To glorify his name.

He has placed me here with this calling- and I have to follow it. Sure, he leads me but he's not gonna baby me through it.

expectant, not expecting

I honestly feel like a big jerk sometimes. Like I'm ready to get into an argument rather than to listen to someone much wiser than I am.

I sat through a teaching the other night which frustrated me. When asked why it did afterward, I couldn't even put it into words. Now I have words. It seemed too clear cut. Too simple. You're either this or that sorta mentality.

But the teaching wasn't wrong. I'm seeing that now. The way it was presented flustered me. But that turns out to be based on generational differences and much more minorly on theological differences than I thought. Different cultures approach things in different ways. And my generation is slightly more sophisticated than other generations before us. Does that mean we know more? Have a better way of presenting it? Or are we just so ambivalent that we're all over the place?

The teaching was on God's character of being a giver. Meaning, if we ask him of something, he will give. I do not think this happens in every situation, but I do believe that God has promised to answer the inmost desires of our heart and we just need to receive them. By faith, we have every blessing our Father gives to us.

I guess my response to this is to open myself more to receive from people. And give too. And receive from my Father. I think I'm generally pretty closed-off, emotionally, from God and from people.

Recieve his blessings. Receive his grace. And ask. It never hurts to ask.

But all in the meanwhile, I stumbled upon this very simple truth by Dr. Langberg on some advice column:

...everyone lives with uncertainty in life. None of us knows what awaits us tomorrow, and many people long for things in life they never get. Ultimately, the only certainty any Christian has is knowing the God who sees what tomorrow holds. God continually asks us to trust him—even in the midst of uncertainty.

I can't be certain that if I pray for God to give me a job, that he'll do it in the way I expect it to be. No one can place a time frame on him. But I can know God and trust him in my uncertainty.

To be expectant but not expecting.

trust in God, not intellect

As I have been home the past couple of weeks, I've been struggling to uphold and justify my version of faith versus some friends and family.

This has been wildly unsuccessful. My intellectual strivings towards God in trying to disprove a theology next to mine does not put my dependence on him, but on reason, logic and articles. Not that engaging your mind is bad. By no means! But relying on intellectual knowledge completely is harmful to one's faith.

Even apologist Ravi Zacharias thinks so. Every once in awhile, I listen to his podcast, "Let my people think" (you can download it for free on itunes). I listened to his most recent message on the account of Daniel, and he made a good point which I will butcher in my paraphrase: Human knowledge is often shortsighted and leans on the judgment of people. We must be a people who intellectually engages, but ultimately trusts and depends on God's wisdom.


Last night, I watched a pretty c-level movie "License to Wed" which was so bad it was hard to sit through. But I did get something out of it (akin to my spiritual enlightenment from the very bad "Evan Almighty"). John Krasinki's character did not trust the priest(Robin Williams) who was giving him and his fiance (Mandy Moore) an extreme marriage counseling course. He was so caught off guard by the priest's apparently devious and outrageous methods, that he committed himself to investigate for the priest's weak spot to bring it to his fiance, who did in fact trust the priest. He was so busy investigating that he did not even write his wedding vows in time.

And that actually convicted me. I've been so busy trying to disprove certain movements I've been skeptical about that I have not even spent any real time alone with God to receive his love and devote my vows to him and I have not been loving my friends and family well, because I've been more dependent on my skeptical logic than on God to heal me in a time I need him most.

I've been trying to be a leader when I need to be a child first (following this order: child- disciple- servant- leader). I need to focus on my own faith and my own healing before I become too caught up in changing everyone else.

i am praying for discernment.

these are difficult times.

i don't want to see anyone led astray.

Humanity's Sacred Union with the Earth

I finished my senior seminar paper this week (finished is a relative term, because while I completed it to turn in, it does not seem nearly finished).


I know many of you were interested in reading it. My paper is about the connections between sustainable farming and faith, which is rooted in the bond we should have with nature, being good caretakers of creation. This paper takes the attempt to live a Christian life in wholeness, in shalom, seriously. Wholeness in the gospel covers a lot of terf and one area is loving creation, while not setting it over God. If what I say interests you, puzzles you or captivates you, I urge you to read this essay.

Humanity's Sacred Union with the Earth: Broken, but Redeemed by Good Soil

the victory is ... ?

A lot of positive things have happened, all within a week.

I got an internship, I got a car, I won a short story award, I am passing all my classes to graduate, I've shared nostalgic memories with old friends, I've passed on wisdom to younger friends who strangely look up to me, I figured out the direction I need to head in next fall, I've gone for good walks, indulged in hot krispy kremes and have let life be fun.

Where is my victory? In none of this. Through everything, I've remained mildly depressed. I am so crooked deep down, it's hard to be grateful for all the good things, which are good.

I'm going to start reading Desiring God by John Piper today. I need to know about the happiness of God.

Though, God is showing me his goodness. I've doubted him so much this semester. I doubted his goodness. I looked to a bleak ending to my college life. I didn't think anything would work out.

It's time to embrace happiness. It's time to conquer my sins, through Christ's power alone. It's time to overcome. It's time to proclaim victory.

It's time to heal.

I love to sing this really loud in an empty house

FROM THE DEPTHS OF WOE (Psalm 130)
From the depths of woe I raise to Thee a voice of lamentation
Lord turn a gracious ear to me and hear my supplication
If thou iniquity dost mark, our secret sins and misdeeds dark
O who shall stand before thee? (Who shall stand before thee?)
To wash away the crimson stain grace, grace alone availeth
Our works alas are all in vain, in much the best life faileth
No man can glory in Thy sight, all must alike confess Thy might
And live alone by mercy (Live alone by mercy).
Therefore my trust is in the Lord and not in mine own merit
On Him my soul shall rest, His Word upholds my fainting spirit
His promised mercy is my fort, my comfort and my sweet support
I wait for it with patience (Wait for it with patience).
What though I wait the live-long night and till the dawn appeareth
My heart still trusteth in His might, it doubteth not nor feareth
Do thus, O ye of Israel’s seed, ye of the Spirit born indeed
And wait till God appeareth (Wait till God appeareth).
Though great our sins and sore our woes
His grace much more aboundeth
His helping love no limit knows, our utmost need it soundeth
Our shepherd good and true is He, who will at last His Israel free
From all their sin and sorrow (All their sin and sorrow)
Text: Martin Luther, 1523

healing time

I hate how emotions and anxieties from my past are reverberating now as I'm graduating. I don't understand it. But it's there. I cry whenever I hear Rosie Thomas sing "pretty dress" or Eisley sing "telescope eyes," because it feels so real to me, today.

I'm not typically a crier, but this semester I've been a river. especially this week. I cried so much during my last large group, but probably for different reasons than people thought.

I'm in such need of healing, but most of the time, I become apathetic rather than struggle with it, head on. I hide behind books, music,my laptop screen, superficial conversation, and intellectual debates.

why the evolution debate is irrelevant to christian faith

Yes, I said it. It's irrelevant.

The book of Genesis, what a great book. I find so many truths when I read it. When I read about the importance of Creation. When I see how humans were once in harmony with god and creation and then was deceived. When I see the trueness of human nature and how man and woman were made, equal yet in different roles.

I see a lot of truth in Genesis.

I don't see any science. The book of Genesis does not support creationism or evolution. We cannot tell from an oral, metaphorical account how exactly God made the earth and the heavens. All we know is that he made it. That does not necessarily go against evolution. God could have set evolution into motion. How can we even possibly perceive what one day is to God? Our concept of time is not God's concept of time.

I read this quote from the Bible Institute and I totally disagree-

"This is similar to what happened with the issue of evolution. Before Charles Darwin and Charles Lyell, no one ever thought that the Bible taught any evolutionary origins of life. After Evolution became accepted by many in society, religious people tried to bend and twist the Bible to fit evolution rather than allow the Bible to mean what it says. Result - the acceptance of the day-age theory, which is an effort to force Genesis to match the beliefs of the world."

No, the Bible does not teach evolutionary origins, but neither does it teach "creationist science." I believe that many people in the past have created big, deep heresy by trying to make up biblical facts about creationism. Making up speculations about how old the earth is according to the Bible, when the Bible does not concern that.

I am not saying that the Bible is removed from the material world. Agricultural science could be interpreted in many of Jesus' parables, and it is important to note that Paul in his ministry engaged culture instead of alienating it. When he spoke on Mars Hill in Acts 17, he acknowledged the Greeks' statue to an unknown God, claiming he knew who that God was. He engaged their philosophy, rather than becoming completely irrelevant.

Creationism is completely irrelevant to our culture. Why can't we embrace the tenants of what science is, rather than trying to create a "science" which is not respected by most scientists. Faith is not a science, we can't engage it as one. People move creationism should be taught in schools, and that is absurd. I might buy the argument for intelligent design, but I am not even positive if that should be taught as a science or a philosophy.

I think that there is nothing wrong with Christians accepting evolutionary theory. Personally, I do not know, scientifically, how we got here. But who was there at the beginning of creation to know? I am not satisfied with any explanation, but I do accept that everything in creation was made and we were created in God's image. I believe Genesis is truth, but it is not science.

Stop making a book something that it isn't.

things i think about

-Will there ever be a point in my life where I ever feel like I belong? Is there a place, a community on this globe I'm meant to be?

- Am I ever capable of living up to my own ideals? When is the point where living my ideals is a realistic venture and not a far-off dream?

- When will I stop wandering and feel settled? Where is my place of contentment if such a place exists in this life?

- Would finding my significant other actually complete me? I'm sure I'll find something to be discontent about, probably dealing with his weaknesses.

-How much is up to God and how much is my own choice? Will I ever hear a clear word from God about where I'm going?

-If I know I can find true joy in God, then why don't I spend more time enjoying his presence? Do I actually like/indulge in despair?

- How can I enjoy God's presence in a period of stormy weather? How can I enjoy him when I so easily distracted by so many frivolous things?

i wish...

i wish that i found satisfaction in God. i hate the things i try to find satisfaction in.

and i suck at guarding my heart, even when there is really no one who poses immediate threat.

how does one deal with despair? the easy, christian answer is to pray and read the bible. but what happens when you are so sunken in, you just don't feel like it. i know that "not feeling like it" is kind of a cop out.

church on sundays seem to be the only time i start to fall down on my knees and realize how much I need to pray and read the Word. and then i go about my week, like a half-hearted creature content in playing in mud piles.

during the week, my heart develops bad habits...these habits lead me to places i don't need to be. places i gravitate so naturally cause it's in my nature. i feel so steeped in this "casual" sin, that there seems to be no exit. it seems to be hopeless. i feel like i will never be healed of this. perhaps i'm wrong, cause Christ can do anything, but this is how I feel.


"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but I hate what I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to; no, the evil I do not want to do-- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me who does it.....

what a wretched (wo)man I am! who will rescue me from this body of death?


Thanks be to God- through Jesus Christ our Lord."


Romans 7

almost coherent thought for the week on Christian existentialism

Sometimes I wonder what it means to be both depressed and be a Christian, especially in our postmodern age when existentialism is so popular, and not necessarily completely contradictory to Christian faith. Without God, everything is devoid of meaning. I think the fact that God is sovereign and has complete control of our lives sounds pretty existential sometimes. It seems like I've become a Christian existentialist without even meaning to, mainly due to my depression, I'm sure. Sometimes all I see from my life is suffering, to which I have no control over. I cannot control my emotions.

I want to live a life where the good news is actually good news to me. Where I can claim victory in Christ (and nothing else, everything else is devoid of meaning). Where I can experience joy which nothing else can give.

I seek the truth. And sometimes, the truth is hard to swallow. Ignorance is bliss, right? The truth of God in my life is something I cannot ignore, but sometimes it's just hard to take in. I put so much responsibility on myself. I guilt myself when I'm not connected as I think I should be.

And I'm depressed. That's a real disorder. And yes, you can be a Christian who takes joy in the Lord, and still be depressed. But, I'm commanded by God to be glad. Where is the line drawn? When do I give in too much to my futile thoughts? It's an ongoing battle- the fight between me obtaining joy and giving in to futility. It changes almost every minute. I'm not bipolar, but sometimes it feels like such a bipolar spirituality- I go from a mountain peak to a valley within moments. Where is my steady ground? I think many of us are in this condition, and quite honestly I don't think it's something that we can control. The internal battles are often between God and principalities of Darkness.

So, what can we do? How can I, a Christian who struggles (but sometimes doesn't put forth much effort) with depression, do to claim victory in Christ? Is it more of an action or simply a way of being? Maybe both are integrated. We are called to take action, but sometimes actions burn us out and we just need to be still.

When my spirits are low and my heart is under attack, what can I do?

Prayer is the integration, I believe. It invites us to take action (in the act of praying) but also to be passive. When we pray, we slow down our hearts and minds to listen to the heartbeat of our Creator. The actions lulls us into being.

I need to pray more. Honestly, something's been preventing me. I need to repent of whatever it is. Yes I can be a Christian and be depressed. But I cannot lean on my depression, clinging on to it, and using it as excuse. I need to cling to the gospel- the salvation of God incarnate rescuing me from my grave.

I do feel genuine times of continuous gladness. And then I fall. But no matter where my emotions lie, my Lord is always with me. And that's something to celebrate. I can't simply be a Christian existentialist ALL the time.

habits

-i zone out around large groups of people, lost in my own thoughts

-after a surge of energy and excitement always comes the pitfall into inner anguish

-my spiritual battle seems to be a fight against my "existential" futile thoughts and my emotional, heavy heart.

- i set high expectations for future events and relationships just to be disappointed

- i talk over people. i like to talk about myself and then at the end out of courtesy, i ask, "and how are you?"

- i enjoy attention, but i often get embarrassed by it

- i idolize deadly things

-i treat people like they're only props and characters toward my own existence. i don't care about people as much as i pretend.

- i breathe fire when people disagree with me. i let them very little opportunity to defend themselves.

-even though i have grown to be more confrontational, i am still way too passive-aggressive, and i play games just to test people.

- i always want the guy i like at whatever time to initiate conversation with me, and i get pissy when they don't even though i don't do anything.

- i complain way too much. i am bitter and cynical.

- i think and overanalyze so much that i become depressed.

- i am a verbal processor. that means when i am upset, who ever comforts me, hears EVERYTHING.

-i always try to go deep way too quickly for people when they're not ready or they just want things to be light and fluffy.

-from a distance, i appear light and fluffy, but i have such a heavy heart, that sometimes i just can't do anything.

-i really suck as a person. sometimes i wish people would see that. sometimes i hate it that a lot of people think i'm so sweet and noble. i hate fake or false appearances. i don't want to be seen one way or another. i do not have it altogether because i'm a christian. i'm in even more desperate need because i'm a christian.

- i enjoy human praise way too much. and sometimes i become cowardly when i need to tell people how i see truth. i become silent because of the tolerance trap. and because i don't want to be that girl. i'd rather have people like me then know the good news of christ's salvation.

-sometimes i focus way more on the despair part of my faith and i forget to take victory in the good news.

-i'd rather spend time on facebook then i would with god.

-i am way too obsessed with finding that guy, even though i hardly openly admit it and i pretend i don't want to get married for 10 years when really it's 3.

-i am way too quick to pour my heart out on damn online blogs.

(this blog is now becoming livejournal with all the anguished complaining i'm consumed in)

- i purposely keep distant in my relationships with people

- i hate asking for help

-i have a lot of pride. and little humility.

-i always need god.

I DON'T KNOW!!!!!

One thing I do know: I have to go back to Manassas.

I know this because God told me to. I would much rather go to Oregon, Philly, California, Kenya.

Ready for my transitional post-college era, I have applied or thought about applying to these places.

Borders
Trader Joe's (my parents not crazy about those high aspirations)
farm intern
americorps
sub teacher for PWC schools
teacher assistant
editorial assistant
library assistant

and there's several more. i don't know. i want to be a writer. A WRITER #$@@g!!!
But that's the most impractical thing in the world to want to be. and i can't be one right now, cause i'm an inexperience, naive little girl who everyone will probably reject (and i hate facing rejection!)


god is faithful, though. dang, right he is!!!

i've got the victory

Ever since I went home a couple weeks ago to see my brother who was in the hospital and be with my family, God has brought my heart through intense healing. It began with my own dad encouraging me and counseling me through my depressed state. Two late night conversations with him from across the dinner table and a car ride home back to CNU. We prayed through scripture together. He said he'd be praying for me through everything that God will bring healing to my heart.

I had trouble deciding what I'd do for spring break. Go to Newark, NJ with my IV chapter for inner city missions or go home to help take care of my brother? It was a tough decision but God gave me peace about going to Newark so I just went. I hated it at first. I hated the smell. I hated that I had to sleep in sleeping bag in a corner of a room stuffed with girls and share 2 showers among all 35 of us students who went. I hated how many loud seemingly ungrateful rambunctious children I had to serve food to and was secretly glad I didn't have to "deal" with them at kids club.

Despite my hate, God brought me to love. And I left Newark loving it and loving the inner city. I worked on the "manna" team which meant we cooked food for a mass of people every night, and during the daytime were teacher assistants at this missional school called the World Impact Centre. I made sure the foods were cooked well with the right spices and ingredients. That was the gift I contributed to my team- my flavor anointing. During the day, I assisted a class of 7 5th grade students, mostly from low-income families, but at a very good school. The school wasn't rich. In fact the teachers have to raise their entire salaries, but it was a very good school. All my kids were very bright even though the boys were super ADHD.

Sensitive is the primary word you can use to describe me during this week. I got easily anxious, upset, excited, exhilarated. I was always at emotional extremes and my feelings were vulnerable and easily hurt.

It was a miracle that happened. Before my brother's recent sickness and this trip, I was very apathetic and all my feelings were suppressed. I could not feel any joy in what I could do. But I did cry out to God in my despair. I was actually very angry at him. It seemed that he was at times that he was good but not powerful enough to heal me, or powerful but not good enough to heal me. The depths of my heart could only see despair. It was veiled with an icy cold layer which prohibited me from seeing or hearing God.

It was a miracle that I was sensitized. For the first time in who knows how long I am able to sing loud and out of key with no shame, dance recklessly in pure joy, act foolish for the cross of Jesus, I take hold of my victory I have in him. God has made me into a child again. His child. I am no longer an orphan. I can see and I can hear and I can taste what the Lord has for me and his people.

What do I feel? What do I sense?
An overwhelming peace.

Through my progressive healing, God enabled me to love people more. People who I have judged, whether they were the crazy kids or people in my chapter who I labeled and wrote off as being something they're not. God has opened up my heart and mind as he is helping me release my pride and bring everything to the cross. As he is breaking my chains that suppress me, in shyness, from really getting to be with people.

God is placing a new song on my lips. Life feels like life. Not a mundane, meaningless cycle.

And some conclusion about post undergrad has cleared up. I'm going home this summer. How long will I be there. For however long until God tells me to leave to become a teacher or go to seminary for education. Because I found something that through Newark, God showed me I could do: teach.

I am partially nervous about going home. I don't have a car there. I won't have a close-knit college community. And I never liked Manassas. In fact, I went to college with my heart set on never returning to Manassas for longer than a few weeks at a time. It is only by the grace of God that I feel called to go home, and help take care of my brother and reconcile myself to my family and that place I always hated so much.

I talked to my mom this evening about the decision. And I mentioned that I was praying that God would provide me a car to get around in. She surprised me, telling me that she's been praying since Christmas that God would provide a car for me and I have only started to pray about it!

Romans 8 sums it all up pretty well. I read it in one of my quiet times this past week, and ended up reading it with a few of my other friends. Through Christ, I am more than a conqueror of my depression. I am more than a conqueror of my sin. I have the victory.