i played the game

i am coming to hate religion more each day.

and i see my need for the cross getting bigger each day.

nothing is happening though. i see my need, but i'm just reduced to despair or apathy.

i see the religious through this acting in form. i know it's just a game. i've been there. i played the game.

as i'm hating religion more, i see how much I need Christ as my life.

but I can't grasp it. the despair and apathy entangle into a web which I'm caught in.

Lord, please fetch me out. And cast out my religiosity. Because I know there is nothing good I can do- no matter how much i attend church, or how many missions i go on- there is nothing I can do on my own to get out of this web.

stuff white people like

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

Here is a blog that tells you everything about me. Really, it's pretty sad...

here are some major tip-offs

#71- being the only white person around (i mean, i do want to go to africa)

#64- recycling

Recycling is a part of a larger theme of stuff white people like: saving the earth without having to do that much.

Recycling is fantastic! You can still buy all the stuff you like (bottled water, beer, wine, organic iced tea, and cans of all varieties) and then when you’re done you just put it in a DIFFERENT bin than where you would throw your other garbage. And boom! Environment saved! Everyone feels great, it’s so easy!

#62 knowing what's best for poor people

They feel guilty and sad that poor people shop at Wal*Mart instead of Whole Foods, that they vote Republican instead of Democratic, that they go to Community College/get a job instead of studying art at a University.

#61 bicycles

But there is a special category of bicycles that appeal far more to white women, the European city bike (pictured). White women have a lot of fantasies about idealized lives, and one of them is living in Europe and riding around an old city on one of these bikes. They dream about waking up and riding to a little cafe, then visiting bakeries and cheese shops and finally riding home to prepare a fancy meal for their friends who will all eat under a canopy with white Christmas lights. This information can be used to help gain the trust/admiration of a white woman, especially if you can pull off a lie about how your mother told you about how she used to do all of these things when she was younger.

#47 arts degrees

#41 indie music

If you want to understand white people, you need to understand indie music. As mentioned before, white people hate anything that’s “mainstream” and are desperate to find things that are more genuine, unique, and reflective of their experiences.

#38 arrested development

Even though most white people prefer to say that they don’t watch television, one thing they agree on is that Arrested Development was the best show on TV. They love it so much!

# 32 vegan/vegetarianism

#28 not having a tv

#18 awareness

"An interesting fact about white people is that they firmly believe that all of the world’s problems can be solved through “awareness.” Meaning the process of making other people aware of problems, and then magically someone else like the government will fix it."

#10 wes anderson films

#1 coffee


A very humorous, truth-telling blog indeed. It describes me to the tee.

And that disturbs me. This blog is very revealing of my sin.

This blog isn't just describing white people. I am an archetype of a culture that is so self-absorbed and guilt-ridden. Yep, that's me.

Everything in here points back to Self and making one feel better.

How do I as a Christian respond to this?

I am a Christian, yes. But I put my identity in all these other things. Sure, I want to serve the poor, but really, part of my motivation sometimes is to alleviate my own guilt. I'm not noble in any capacity. I think about myself all the time.

But God is full of grace and compassion which I will never acquire. He lowered himself, coming to earth as man, and died a shameful death and was resurrected, to save humankind from themselves. And here I am because of that, saved by his grace, loved by his mercy, but still I succomb to being hip, trying to make myself happy, and attempting to alleviate my guilt on my own.

I've thought about this a lot recently. I know, no matter what, I am a daughter of God, and nothing can separate myself from him, but I don't I take my cross to follow Jesus. Yes, I talk about loving God and loving people, but I'm all talk and no action. Following Jesus means to die to yourself, the cravings of your sinful nature, and to live life by the spirit. I don't do any of those things. I know I am saved by grace without merit, but sometimes I feel ashamed to call myself a Christian when I'm a really a self-absorbed hypocrite.

I just re-read Matthew 19, and it's giving me some comfort as this was just as relevant of an issue back when Jesus walked the earth. This passage pretty much gives the answer, which is a pretty complex one:

Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"

"Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments."

"Which ones?" the man inquired.

Jesus replied, " 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,' and 'love your neighbor as yourself.'"

"All these I have kept," the young man said. "What do I still lack?"

Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, "Who then can be saved?"

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Peter answered him, "We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?"

Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

scared.

It's time for a confession, guys.

I'm scared shit of graduating.

No joke.

As I write this, I know God is calling me out of my comfortable middle class life. He has bigger plans for me. I've always known that God had not so ordinary things lined up for my life, but when I was younger I thought those would be things which would make me rich and famous. I wanted to soak in all the glory I could.

But no, God has not called me to that. God has called me to love the poor, a realization I had during after a fast last semester.

I don't want to do that. I want to be rich and famous, and soak in glory. This is what part of me, my flesh, wants.

I'm scared of this calling. I am ill-equipped and I don't know how to love as I should. How am I supposed to love people I rarely have ever come in contact with?

I want to run away. I don't want to fill out applications for americorps, peace corps, mission year or jesuit volunteer corp. I want to fill out applications for menial 9-5 positions instead.

But being with the poor is what I really want. Something inside tells me to go. I must listen. Fear keeps holding me back. I am not even afraid of the living situations, of the danger as much as I am afraid of being horrible. Of feeling like a miserable person cause I can't do it. That's what I'm afraid of.

But I have Christ and in him perfect love that casts out fear. And pretty much, he bids to come and DIE to myself- to my fears, to my faults, to my insecurities- so that I can truly live. The only way I can truly live is to do the will of the Father.

I need to be reminded of this everyday. Quite honestly, I need prayer. I need to be soaked in it, because Satan is trying to hold me back. But Christ's power is strong enough to break those chains. amen.

the pygmalion effect

I'm working on a new poem. The first one in a long time. I'm embarrassed to post my shitty first draft of it on the net- it seems kinda flighty and girly, but there are deep themes I need to explore- body image, self-creation and loss of identity.

The poem is about clothes. But it cannot just be about clothes. Basically this has been an idea I wanted to put to some thought form for quite awhile. I've been having a major crisis identity. This started after getting home from Kenya, but it got much worse over winter break. As a result, I've been dressing slightly differently, slightly better. And I really don't believe that someone is what they wear, but I act like it by my almost shame of not wearing my typical thrift store outfits anymore. I realized that I've labeled myself by what I wear.

I've created myself through my clothes. It kinda makes me sick. I don't want to create some image of myself that I want people to glorify. I want God to make me beautiful and radiate His glory.

And really, I have just been dressing for other people. There's a song Rosie Thomas sings that continually echoes in my head lately- "Paper Doll"

Tonight I'm like a paper doll
Dress me in what you wish I had on
And I will not say a thing
I'll just keep smiling

Here I am, wordless again
You dress me up different ways
Flat and thin
Speechless within
You dress me up different ways
And I just can't be sure I'll ever change

And I do not like the clothes I wear
I'd sooner throw them into the air
But I will not say a thing
I'll just keep smiling

Here I am, wordless again
You dress me up different ways
Flat and thin
Speechless within
You dress me up different ways
And I just can't be sure I'll ever change

Why is it now
You've cut me out
Of everything I was used to
Now it's not that I stand here with no choice
I will choose now to raise up my voice

Here I am, wordless again
Wordless again
And I just can't be sure I'll ever change

Tonight I'm like a paper doll
Cut from the page I once lived on
And I will not say a thing
I'll just keep smiling

I love this song. And it's funny how I can relate to it. Except no specific person is doing this to me- silencing me through changing who I am. I'm doing it to myself.

So now I don't know how this poem is gonna go. It's obviously gonna be a confessional poem, which are sometimes too preachy or sometimes too emotional. I don't want it to be either. That's kinda how it seems right now. To give you an idea, here's my shitty first draft:

My closet’s torn open,
Piles of bright colors
Fall on top each other
I rest my head upon a cashmere
And wonder what’s happened-
2 or 3 years of thrifting
replaced by corporate labels
the children of Indonesia
have suffered tearful hours
for me to rest my head
upon abundance
the guilt was sucked out
at some point when I
bought the second pair of boots

I’m recreating myself
Hoping my number one
Motive above any good
Intention will be appeased:
I want to be gazed upon
Like a blazen statue
I am my own pymalion
The effect I’ve created
has never ceasing
As thrift girl, I made myself
As posh girl, I made myself

What good is it to keep making and re-creating?
for a statue whose purpose is to be worshipped.
I have leaned on the wisdom of me
And the callous “what not to wear”

Dressed to the nines
I’m don’t feel very me
But was I really myself before?

See what I mean? The first stanza is OK. But the rest sucks. I need to "show and not tell." Any ideas?

?

everything's been good (on the surface).

"i have made you too small in my eyes. oh, Lord, forgive me."

i have some stuff to say...but i can't say it in a blog. church rocked me this week in an incredibly hard way. but i shrugged it off, and decided not to pay attention to it. and that's all i'm gonna say right now.

i just really need to talk to someone with a listening ear. because it's been like pulling teeth even getting any non-positive emotions to surface.

yes, i've been positive lately. but dangerously positive. not the good kind of positive, although seems all well on the outside.

someone please call me or visit me or write me. i need to talk.

12 things to organize my thought process

I'm still here. Still thinking God and life but it's hard to put my thoughts into words. A huge swirl of events and emotions have been dancing around me and I am both excited and exhausted by life.

I'll just go down the list of thoughts.

1) I'm gonna be volunteering for the Sentera Hospice. Interestingly, I got connected through my journalism class. Dr. Lee makes short documentaries of the patients and he is possibly making it into a bigger project. I'll just be helping by getting to know the patients, video taping them and hopefully be supplemented with material for my feature writing assignments. Please pray for me. This is a big chance for me to engage in a current life dream- help people and write about them. That's what I want to do with my life and I feel so blessed to be able to start soon. I need prayer about being with these dying people- that I'll be completely humble, and that God will fill my heart with compassion. I also need prayer that I can fit this into my crazy schedule.

2) I'm realizing that I sometimes relate to non-Christians better than Christians. There is no fault here; I just find it interesting. I like it. I don't want to be caught in a Christian bubble.

3) I'm really really busy this semester and taking on new things. To do this, I've had to prioritize things, and I decided to leave CNU TONiGHT. I'm gonna really miss it. Also, I think I should take less work hours.

4) I've been super self-conscious about my body image lately, thus I've been dressing better. It's an unusual shift for me. Ultimately, I just want to be skinny again, and I sometimes hold a grudge against all the skinny, pretty girls I see around campus. I don't want to. It sucks being so bitter sometimes.

5) Last week, I received a difficult assignment: To write an obituary of Roy Smith, who was a student at CNU. It was really hard for me, because he took his own life and I myself struggle with depression. Although I don't consider suicide too often, a week before this assignment I had an epiphany that if it were not for Christ in my life, I'd be dead by now (I don't know who reads this blog, I'm letting this out there, but I'd rather be truthful than hold stuff in, in hopes that people reading might empathize.) It made it really hard to write the obituary, and I had tough decisions to make, like whether to publish how Roy died (which I decided against). I almost feel akin to Roy even though I never met him, and I was most interested in writing an article which would honor him, his family and his friends. It was published in this week's Captain's Log and I received excellent feedback, which was arelief because never having written an obituary in my life, I was anxious (and thank God for people who edit your stories). I didn't know Roy but I am so glad I got the chance to do something life-honoring for him.

6) This ties into 4. I feel uncomfortable around most underclassmen. And I hate that, because I feel like I can relate to a lot of people, individually. And it might seem like I'm acting superior to them, when thats not true at all. I just can't relate as well. And that's made going to IV large group and events more difficult, because there are mostly underclassmen there now and I am uncomfortable meeting them and getting beyond surface relationships. And my self-consciousness mentioned in 4 ties into that. I feel a tension between wanting to be their friends, and just wanting a few intentional friends. But I don't know, getting older, I just don't feel like I fit in with them at all. And that's hard, because they seem like great people. But I think I should probably just focus on deeper relationships more than having a larger amount of friendships.

7) I've been thinking a lot lately about true humility and what it is to really love and it hit me at small group this week:

The words of John the Baptist:

"A man can receive only what is given him from heaven. You yourselves can testify that I said, 'I am not the Christ[j] but am sent ahead of him.' The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom's voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. He must become greater; I must become less."- John 3:27-29

I want to have this kind of humility.

8) I had a good conversation with Zach Fauver yesterday, talking about reformed theology. He pointed out some scriptures in John and it put me at rest. Sometimes I feel like I'm a failure at pursuing God or I try to do the work myself. But ultimately, it is God doing the work in me. It's so great being reminded that.

9) I'm lagging behind on my applications.

10) For my diversity/cultural competence class, I was to make a family tree, write my family background and present that with my resume to my class. I was incredibly vulnerable, but I mean, anytime I talk about my life I have to be vulnerable or it wouldn't be truth. And sometimes I forget how interesting my life sounds to people who aren't me. But I think it's just because I'm a writer and I make things more dramatic than they are. Eh, oh well.

11) I'm trying to bust out of my cynical mode. It's not who I am.

12) I am UBER excited about a couple things right now but I can't talk about it or I might jinx it. Oh golly gosh, am I just thrilled. And I have Feist stuck in my head. =) More later.

notes to self

1) God's expectations are not always my expectations. His ways are higher than mine.

2) stop spending all your time watching the office, arrested development and playing scrabulous on facebook

3) get into scripture. get fed. eat with God.

4) loneliness is universal. stop feeling like you're the only one.

5) stop trying to control your destiny.

6) boys are stupid. stop thinking about them. stop overanalyzing.

7) stay informed about kenya and other things on around the globe.

8) make sure you call your friends this week.

9) value your family

10) remember that no matter how much you fail, you are always a daughter of God- precious and valued in HIS sight.

another family affair?

I have tried my best to stray away from having political arguments with members of my family, as I enjoy building unity rather than trying to project my rightness over anyone.

And really, the things I believe in (the causes) are not purely political. And I'm sick of parties having claims over them. And while I want to vote in someone who projects these values, they still could be Democrat or Republican. Sadly, many republicans regard these values as leftist.

fighting poverty
environmental care
human rights
ending world hunger
providing educational opportunities for everyone
providing vocational training

yes, the evils of liberalism.

truth is, neither party fights for truth as much as they try to lead on.

so who will i vote for in 2008?

preferably someone who stands by these issues, and ALSO is against abortion. and against the war in Iraq. and won't give the government more legitimacy to red tape everything.

who fits into this ideal candidate?

no one.

i'm sick of politics and sick of pointless family debates.

Violence in Kenya

Pray for Kenya

When I was in Kenya this summer, I watched a lot of Kenyan news, having the privilege of staying with a woman in Nairobi who could afford a tv. A heated topic was the upcoming presidential elections. Honestly, I saw that the competition was cutthroat but I did not realize any huge party implications. I heard people were very spilt on politics, especially since democracy was so new to them. But my naive little mind could not wrap around the possible reprecussions of this election.

The Electoral Comission of Kenya announced earlier today (Sunday) that President Kibaki had beat Raila Odinga by more than 230,000 votes, and he was immediately sworn into office. But Mr. Odinga disputed this result, accusing " a clique of people around Kibaki trying to rob Kenyans of the election," to his supporters at a news conference after the results were announced.

After the government suspended all live television and radio reports, Mr Odinga's Orange Democratic Movement invited its supporters to an alternative inauguration ceremony in the capital, Nairobi, on Monday to declare him the "people's president".

All of this had dangerous ramifications.

After the official results were announced, thousands of opposition supporters took to the streets across the country in protest and at least 13 people were killed.

According to BBC, in Nairobi's Kibera slum, people began attacking and looting shops. Houses were burnt to the ground and vehicles set in flames. Police fired live rounds and tear-gas to disperse Mr Odinga's supporters, while a blackout also plunged the area into darkness.

This is where -I worked this summer - Kibera. Looking through the pictures on BBC news, it looks all too familiar. I thought about the people I met in their homes, the sisters I worked with at the Missionaries of Charity and the school kids as well as the street kids who'd always cry out "how are you!"

This has all just happened within the past day. It looks like it'll just get worse. Evangeline, who went to on the Kenya Global Project me, forwarded this e-mail tonight from a missionary in Northern Kenya:

Dear brothers and sisters,

Greetings in the Lord.

As you may have heard from the news that Kenya has just had an election this past Thursday. The presidential race was so close that it took a few days for the electoral commission until this evening to make announcement. They have declared the current president Kibaki as the winner. But the opposition party has rejected the result, accusing the government of rigging the votes. People are very confuse now. A peaceful election has turned into violence everywhere in the country. People in many towns along the highway have set up road blocks and create havoc and chaos (burning tires, throwing rocks, and rioting).

I was traveling down country from Lokichoggio yesterday to send some missionary friends home and plan to get some supplies in Nairobi. But on our way, we have heard violence in many parts of the country. We had to stay in a town last night to avoid the trouble. Today, as we heard the road were clear ed so I continued to send a missionary home and another one to the local airport, we were caught in some of the road blocks along the way. We thank God that we got through safely, but it was very scary and tense with the mob surrounding our vehicles shouting and threatening us. The situation where I am now is very tense. I have to stay in a Bible school tonight with soem other missionaries (and perhaps for the next few days) to avoid the troubles in the area and not be able to travel until it is safe to do so.

Please pray

1. for peace of the country. The violence can spread and turn the whole country into chaos and unrest.
2. for safety for Chris as she is at the school in Songot, with another missionary family, the Haspels. Pray that the Turkana will not get involve with the violence and troubles like the rest of the country.
3. Safety of all missionaries and mission stations in Kenya.
4. for the situation in the area where I am now will clam down so that I can travel back to Lokichoggio soon.

Thanks for your prayer in this trouble time in Kenya.

Blessings,
Tim

I echo this request: please pray. We're powerless to do anything by ourselves but God comes into power as we call on his name on other people's behalf. The power of prayer can change things around. I would like to lift up a specific prayer request that the Lord will strengthen the sisters at the Missionaries of Charity school even more with his mercy and love- making them an extension of his light to the people in Kibera during this turbulent time. Pray for the orphans, the widows, the jobless, the hungry, the sick, the homeless, the AIDs victims- that God will protect them through of all of this and bring his light into their lives. Pray for the people- everyone. Pray for the protestors, pray for the victims of this violence and their families. Pray for the government not to fall apart- that this will not lead into something worse than it already is.

Keep informed.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7165383.stm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7165406.stm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/in_pictures/7164350.stm

Thanks Evangeline, for the urgent message.


"Prayer is no surrender to the world, but an act of absolute sedition. And while God does not always answer our prayers, he invariably changes our perspective on the world. He shows us a little bit of his upside-down power when we pray.In prayer our vision becomes clear, so that at the moment of greatest injustice our sanity remains solid, while the oppressor, mentally shackled to fleeting power, loses his mind and confuses the here-and-now with the limitless. When we pray, God changes the world, and he usually starts with our hearts and minds. When we pray, even amid stultifying injustice, God demonstrates greater power yet by giving us our right minds."- Paul Grant

that end of a year post

2007 has certainly been a year of change- and more purpose and more direction (amidst this more confusion) focused in one period than ever before.

I will forever remember it as the year I went to Kenya. Everything was directed at going. Spring semester of junior year brought on fundraising and STIM weekends, and a lot of anguished crying out to God. I probably was on crack that semester for everything I was trying to do between those things, taking several major classes, small group leading,working and co-coordinating CNU's Broken Bread meal. And through all of this, I was supposed to be preparing myself for what was ahead of me that summer. I had a nervous tick inside of me, urged by the fear of failing everyone. Anxious, I was always on my toes, and when I had nothing to worry about, I figured out something else to take up my concerns.


Like questions about theology- it became an obsession which I always wanted more time to dwell on. I felt the pulls of reformed theology and started to question them and I felt the pulls of emergent theology and questioned them even more. I guess what it all came down to, and became absolutely clear in Kenya, is that I should not ever cling to a theology (though they're good for helping us understand) but to cling to Jesus.

I gave up my vegetarianism because I knew I had to eat meat in Kenya, and so I started calling myself a "hospitalitarian" (meant I ate meat only out of hospitality).

And I went to Kenya. God provided every cent, plus more, showing me that it was not up to me raise the money. While being there, I felt sin, I felt shame, I felt utter dispair at my wicked motivations but I felt the Lord's presence, beauty, and unrelenting grace speak to me and refine me into the transformed creation I am ever being shaped into by God's radiance.

I let go of a lot of my anger towards people and a lot of my cynical pride. A deep longing to be with my family formed inside me.

I was there for 7 weeks. And then back. I heard re-entry was hard but I didn't have a clue how right everyone was about that. I had this idealist thought that every thing I learned in Kenya would come into immediate application when I crossed the ocean. Boy, was I wrong. And I slipped into depression. Feeling that everything I did here did not matter- I had no purpose in what I was doing and everyone around me was also completely frivolous and seemingly happy. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't feign happiness any more. I couldn't put on a show for people like I used. I was more real and I was stipped down of my pretenses. It honestly became harder to socialize.

Then the perils of being a senior reigned down on me. I felt isolated from the younger kids who seemed to have fun all the time, and isolated from my best friends because we were always so busy. Also, the question kept coming- what am I gonna do with my life after grad? Something I had not seriously put much thought to.

Through the pit bottoms and the weirdness of my fall semester, some really great things happened, and they wouldn't have happened without the lows. Though I was socially awkward in groups of people, I cherished my one on one time with others, forming more intentional relationships with people. For the first time, I got discipled on a regular basis, and it's had a transforming on me. I myself discipled a girl who I love very much. And between the two discipling relationships and seeing a counselor, a lot of the post-kenya depression was lifted off (bwana asifiwe!). I also came to realize a vision for my life after college. Since my fakeness worn off, my relationships I have retained have been more raw, and more real. Though I feel utterly alone sometimes, I've had the best relationships this year I've had in 21 years- and these relationships all pointed back to Christ.

And then there were crushes, and oh man did I crush on people. Two crushes in particular stuck out and provided me with some distraction. Although, one pivotal attraction to a guy this semester led me to consider how ripe I am to be in a relationship and the kind of quality guy I am interested in- lively, energetic and thoughtful. Before, I would be too autonomous, too selfish in my heart to allow someone in, but now my heart is becoming big enough for two. And I have started to consider what a relationship with brings glory to God would look like- that a couple grows closer to God as they grow closer to each other. And no, I have not found such a relationship with any of my crushes from this year and nor do I pursue them now. But the promise of a loving partner is all I really need in that regard. The desire is there, and so I need to prayerfully pursue God in it.

I guess two key words for this year are light and maturity. God has poured his light on the ugly spots of me which are in high demand on his help, leading me to depend on him more than ever before. The size of my cross at the end of this semester became bigger in my eyes than ever. Light has reigned over my depression, to lift me up when I am dragged down to the ground. Also, God has made me more mature in every area of my life. I truly do not see myself as the naive, fun-loving, bubbly, performing Janelle who I came to college as.

At the end of this year, though, I need God's help more than ever. I'm having identity issues (vain matters like new style of clothing mirror deeper heart problems), overwhelming feelings of lonliness (even if I go out every night of the week, I'm having trouble believing I have any real friends), apathy, and the growing desire to get out of Virginia. I spend my days in vanity, not doing much, forgetting that God has me in Manassas right now with purpose and with a reason. I need to spend more time with God and less time watching arrested development or playing oregon trail on facebook. I need to appreciate my family more, because sometimes I really lose patience with them. I need to take joy and be grateful for everything I have- all of my relationships. I want to bask in God's presence and feel him in every bone of my being.

I need to pray in this new year right.

the presence of God

Part 1: What is a Hierophany?

In my primal religions class this past semester, we discuss what the term “hierophany” means. It is the manifestation of the holy. In oral culture, it’s told in Lame Deer's vision quest when animals talk to him, giving him his calling a shaman; it’s Moses communing with God on Mount Sinai, and coming down with a face far too radiant for the Israelites to behold. Exodus 34:29-34

“ When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the Testimony in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the LORD. When Aaron and all the Israelites saw Moses, his face was radiant, and they were afraid to come near him. But Moses called to them; so Aaron and all the leaders of the community came back to him, and he spoke to them. Afterward all the Israelites came near him, and he gave them all the commands the LORD had given him on Mount Sinai. When Moses finished speaking to them, he put a veil over his face. But whenever he entered the LORD's presence to speak with him, he removed the veil until he came out. And when he came out and told the Israelites what he had been commanded, they saw that his face was radiant. Then Moses would put the veil back over his face until he went in to speak with the LORD.”

It’s also the transfiguration when Jesus appears in this same radiance with Elijah and Moses before his three freaked-out disciples (Matthew 17:1-13). When we are saturated with this being, we are no longer present in human reality but in sacred reality, which is true reality. It is interesting that each of these hierophanies mentioned, there is an interaction between persons which triggers it. They are each in communion, being with one another; being relational. Worship is engaged as it is a state of being in communion. People don’t only worship in a church, they can worship with their entire lives, in communion with God. Also, these hierophanies involved sacred places. Lame Deer went off into the wilderness, into a “vision pit.” Jesus took his disciples to a high mountain by themselves- this is reminiscent of Moses proceeding up to Mount Sinai to be with God.

In these nature-bound sacred places, God is sought to be in communion. Another thing about hierophany is that once it’s done- it’s hard to be integrated back into society. This is particularly seen with Moses- who had to wear a veil whenever he came down from Mount Sinai. The Israelites could not accept the radiance of this supernatural occurrence. When people experience a hierophany it’s hard to explain or try to replay for other people- who may as well think you’re crazy. That’s why we normally can not put words to those kind of ecstatic experiences; they happen but it’s only for your eyes to comprehend anything about it.

Part 2: Experiencing Hierophany in striving for God's presence

A.W. Tozer addresses this same concept in The Pursuit of God. He begins chapter 3, “Removing the Veil”, with an epithet by St. Augustine: ‘Thou hast formed us for Thyself, and our hearts are restless till they find rest in Thee.’

Until reading this quote followed by Tozer’s interpretation, I never thought restlessness was beneficial. The idea behind this thought is that as human flesh, we are restless for a reason- we are fallen creatures in need of God’s rest. Our restlessness enables us to seek the divine. Tozer follows this stream of thought with a question and answer from the Westminster Shorter Catechism: ‘Question: What is the chief End of Man? Answer: Man’s chief End is to glorify God and enjoy him forever.’

Tozer articulates that God formed us for his pleasure to “see him and live with him and draw life from His smile,’ but due to the Fall (as seen in Genesis 3), we have broken with God and because we ceased to obey him or love him we have a fear and guilt which causes us to flee as far as possible from his presence. God’s work in redemption is to undo the tragic effects of the Fall and bring us back into relationship with himself to glorify him and enjoy life.

This turning opens a conscious communion with God to live again in his Presence. “At the heart of the Christian message,” Tozer says, “is God himself waiting for his redeemed children to push in to conscious awareness of his Presence.” Yet contempory American Christianity only knows this presence in theory and “fails to stress the Christian’s privilege of present realization.”

This is the heart of Tozer’s argument I want to get to- how do we as a literate society experience God’s presence? I have been raised in a Christian home and accepted Christ as a 15 year old and grew to develop a better understanding of my beliefs in college. Yet the presence of God was always something I felt lacking in my life. Tozer says according to biblical teachings, Christians are always in his presence positionally, but still feel the need to experience it in actuality. There are distinct times in my life which I don’t remember clearly, but I remember sitting in rest with my God. They happen sometimes, but God wills that I push into his presence and live my whole life there. I still do not know what this looks like, but this year, I’ve been pushing harder than ever and I see the fruits of it. I know that if I lived in a nature dwelling oral culture, this would be easier. I have a tendency to look things from a completely intellectual, analyzing point of view instead of an ecstatic spiritual point of view- this is the product of being a college student in a literate culture. I tend to even rationally doubt that I could ever experience anything spiritually and at times, I haven’t even tried. I grow content in my positional faith rather than allowing myself to be led into a place of burning zeal. Tozer says “We are satisfied to rest in our JUDICIAL possessions and for the most part we bother ourselves very little about the absence of personal experience.” This reminds of C.S. Lewis’ declaration that we are half-hearted creatures who are far too easily pleased.

People tend to reduce Christianity to one simple thing- is someone “saved” or not saved (puzzlement still remains to non-christians on what being saved is. I hate when people use this term without explanation). Being saved is not just about going to heaven. If it were, how would life itself ever be enjoyable? It’s also about enjoying eternity in the present moment, here on earth, by coming to relationship with God through his salvation he offers as a gift (if confused by what I mean, please ask and read Ephesians 2). Like Tozer, I also find it tragic that not only manifesting God’s presence is absent from the church, but being still and seeking some kind of presence is relatively a thing outside our culture. We are encouraged to live fast-paced, task-oriented lives with little thought to ever finding the rest we need to sit in God's presence, experiencing hierophanies.

The point is, we are not the Israelites who cannot see God's radiance. The veil has been removed, and we can experience much more of God than we allow ourselves to. I struggle with this a lot. My logical sense does not allow me to engage in God, to come confidently to his throne- to be transformed by the radiance of the Lord's glory. But I want it. I want to move forward in that. A couple of weeks ago, I didn't want anything else more, but since getting home for winter break, it's become really hard to quiet myself. With too much free time, I end up wasting it rather stewarding it, to help me break down my walls and truly be transformed by His radiance.

Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 3: 12-18

the vision pit

I have a lot to be thankful for.

God is faithful. All the time; God is faithful.

It's so weird how God puts a task in front of you, and all you do is obey it, and he gives you something big.

This is what's happening to me.

Or I think it is. Maybe I'm being dramatic? But the thing is, my mind has clarity. It makes sense. The pieces of the puzzle are finally beginning to go together.

The question I've been trying to answer: What the heck is God calling me to do in my life??

I'm still not sure exactly what it is. But He has cast a vision- and that's exactly what I asked for.

OK, to clarify some things. I decided on Monday night after going to Primal Religions (which I was sooo close to skipping to do other homework) to go on a fast from Tuesday afternoon to today before Thanksgiving meal. Dr. Redick was talking about Native Americans going on vision quests in the wilderness and fasting during that time. And I thought- hmmm, I really need a vision quest. And I dunno what else, but I really felt spiritually compelled to fast. I haven't done it too much before. I never really quite got the concept of fasting.

And as I was fasting, I still didn't really "get it." I mean, I kept getting distracted from prayer. And after the fast was over I was like, "Welp. That's it. Time for some wine." Nothing too spiritually dramatic happened.

And then I watched 'Evan Almighty' this evening. It was stupid and cheesy, but it spoke to me. A lot. Basically, God kept calling Evan, a newly elected congressman to build an ark. This man had prayed that God will help him change the world, and uhhh, his prayer was answered. Even though God called him, Evan ignored him. But this did not change the sovereignty of God. Things spiraled out of Evan's control until he could do nothing else but build the ark!

Like Evan, God has been chasing me down lately, and I have been nonrespondant to his call. His call has been there all along but I felt waaaaay too inadequate to follow the call. But since Kenya, God has brought me on a journey of experiencing his love and faithfulness in a way I never had before. And the works he has called me to will flow out of my new, refreshened love for him.

The vision:
Seek justice. Encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless and plead the case of widow (Isaiah 1:17)

Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothed you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.- Jesus (Matthew 25:34-40)


Basically, I just want to be with God's people who are suffering. Who are in poverty. I want to learn to love them. I want to be friends with them. I don't want to just do things for them through programs, like shove money in their direction. I want to get to know them.

I am totally undeserving of this. Especially after seeing poverty in Kenya with my own eyes and feeling completely hopeless to build relationships with these people, I don't know how I can possibly do it. But God has been holding my hand and is taking me a long way. And I know I can do anything, ANYTHING through Christ who gives me strength. When I was in Kenya, I found it hard to love the poor. But God gave me a small seed of love for his people- a mustard seed. And you know what they say about mustard seeds- they grow into the largest of trees.

So, now what? There's still a lot of different things this could lead me to. I'm beginning to pray that God will show how to be with the poor. What job could I take, where should I live, how should I live? It's all up to him.

I'm frightened. But humbled. But I know that the God of comfort is always with me. And like Joshua, he is telling me:

Be strong and courageous, for I am with you always.

because I bet my roommate reads this blog



This is a pretty terrific cartoon, which helps explain my complex feelings about only buying organic/free-range foods, and my outrage at extremist groups like PETA who try to shut down meat buisnesses (I saw a movie they made themselves which showed them protesting outside of KFC). While I hate animal cruelty, it's also unfair to put people in lower economic classes out of a job. It's funny that the people involved in these animal rights groups are usually not working class folk. Well, just a thought. I don't like the meat industry but it's good to see that there's always two sides and more complexity to an issue than people make.

Thanks, Lindsey for sending me the cartoon.
It can be found at http://www.theonion.com/content/cartoon/oct-29-2007

a spiritual being

Or more often I feel like a dead being. My friend Laura and I were talking about the importance of time spent with God on Tuesday, and I realized that quite too often I'm in a state of blah. I don't necessarily feel bad about anything but I just feel apathetic or overly anxious for no apparent reason. I tell people, "nah I'm good, just out of it."

One friend asked me, "well, what do you mean by that?'

I didn't have an answer for her. I couldn't tell her why I was "out of it". Why I had felt anxious or apathetic all weekend. I didn't know. I blamed it on being around too many people ( I can tend to be introverted, so I get drained from being around people constantly) But it was apparent to me, that is was more than just meyers-briggs.


And then I thought to myself as I was hearing Laura talk about her quiet times, "when was the last time I spent with God? Just me and him?"

(Besides listening to a sermon alone in my house on Friday night), it was over a week ago. I had an entire week where there was no time devoted to personal prayer or scripture.

I had been insanely busy. I had CNU TONiGHT rehearsals and papers to turn in. I had obligations to people. (But the time not being busy, I spent in total idleness, typically on facebook).

All this time was lost. And I walked to lunch today wondering where it went. Wondering if I had spent this semester in a fatal, soul-killing routine. Sure, I would get out and go on bike rides and have refreshing times at the Lion's Bridge. But my normal, everyday routine- was just too routine and was getting the better half of me.

I want a new routine. I'm tired of this dead one. I need renewal like mad right now. I don't feel like a spiritual being at all. I need to be shaken to wake up. If someone would like to rattle me around, I wouldn't mind.

I want to desire time spent with the Lord. Please pray with me that I will get this time.

But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesusfrom the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you. So if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. Romans 8:10-17

Do you ever see the missing pieces of life fitting together like a puzzle?

Or you experience something and you wonder "What was that about?"

It's been that kind of week.

Amidst all the busyness, some crazy (or more subtley important) things are happening.

And it reminds me that God has a plan.

And I am walking in the palm of his hand.


"God, what does this all mean?" I keep asking. (When I do ask, lately I've so caught in my busy life, I give myself so little time to stop and reflect).

Everything works together. Just one slight re-adjustment of my routine changes the outcome of a day (is this predestination or free will, I won't get into. But I know what I believe).

Forrest Gump surprisingly sums it up pretty well:
"I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time."

I believe in calling, destiny, predestination, whatever you call it. But it is intermingled with the choices we make out of free will (but if God is sovereign how much is that up to us? I don't know.)


Meanwhile, I just rest in knowing that I am just a mere vessel in a greater plan for humankind.

I have not resonated with an article (in a long time) as much as I just had with this one, a few moments ago:

http://www.intervarsity.org/slj/article/4143

I never heard the term grace-earner before I read this. But that sums me up a little too quickly. Plagued by guilt, I try to lean on works to live a more holy lifestyle (this was just reflected on in my previous blog post).

Yet, God does not require just obligatory works.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Ephesians 2: 7-10

Too often, people cut one part of this out. They either snip away grace or works. But it's BOTH. We need both. But works flows out of knowing God and having passively recieved his gift of grace. We are God's workmanship!! We are the work of God, we're not bringing forth the work of God by ourselves. I sometimes feel guilty because I have not been very works-oriented lately. HOWEVER, I can take rest that God has already prepared something for me to do. He's walking ahead and will come back grip the palm of my hand to take me there!

Calling and Holy Discontent

This topic has become all too redundant.

I wish someone could just point to what I'm supposed to go do after I graduate.

There are so many options out there. But there are too many. Searches become tired and futile.

I want it to find me. I don't want to worry my head off about finding it.

I want to do ministry. Well, there are many, many ministry oppurtunities out there. So many. My problem is not even being able to find them. I cannot discern what I should do.

The problem is:
I no longer know exactly what my "holy discontent" is.

Holy discontent is a problem you hate living with. You are passionate about seeing it changed. You will not stand for it to be left neglected. You cannot passively interact with it. It's your passion. It's your purpose, what Christ has called you to do in his Church.

Holy discontent is not static, it can be changing.

I'm discontented by a whole lot of things. I have little passions spread out everywhere, but no BIG passion. I want that passion though. I need it.
I wish someone would tell me what it is.

My holy discontent has been ever changing. Last year it was social injustice and poverty, and even though I am still outraged by the two, my personal passion has wavered. Why? My motivations for this discontent. I was motivated by the guilt of being a middle-class white person who is among the richest in the world. I felt a revolting guilt that sickened me when I thought about how much I had. But then I went to Kenya, and at the Missionaries of Charity, God showed me that I wasn't there out of love. I was there out of guilt.

So this is my current-shaping-subject- to- interpret- later-highly ambiguous holy discontent:
I don't want to perform works for the wrong reason. I want to love people. I want to listen to them. And actually be there with them. Walk alongside people.

But first I have to love God and love myself. And that's what I'm working on. And it seems selfish. I don't want to be so me-focused that I ignore other peoples' spiritual needs, but I want to fill up on God so his love can pour out on others.

I would love to be impassioned about social injustice again and really strive to make a difference in someone's life. And really make true and honest cross-cultural relationships. But I don't want to do it for my own glory. I don't want a passion for social justice to project self-righteousness on everyone else.

I alienated a lot of people last year. My family. Some friends. People who are not my friends. Because I was legalistic, self-righteous and angered.

But no, right now I need to love. And that is my holy discontent. And as to my calling, how does this become concrete? There are many, many ways to love. I don't know how God will use me. I don't know how he is calling me to love people. There are so many different things I can do.

And even though I want to go to seminary, that doesn't seem like the complete answer.
I don't know what the complete answer is, and I guess I need to rest in not knowing.

Tony, one of my Kenya GP buddies recently sent me an encouraging facebook message:

"i read your last email about trying to figure out life after undergrad...well, i got news for you - it doesn't get any easier after you graduate from college. so, the process is really the most important thing - how you go about asking the Lord for direction and guidance. my professor in chapel just shared his thoughts on this the other day - some things I remember him saying were - hold to God's sovereignty - and remember that God is more interested in you finding your calling than even you are - all to the praise of His glory."

I needed to hear that. Thanks, man.The good thing is that we're always becoming. This problem I have now I will still have in 20 years. How is this good? Because I will always need to lean completely on God for my direction and my purpose. Jesus commands my destiny. Bwana Asifiwe.

Idea Time!!

For fiction writing, I decided to do a re-telling of the story of Hosea and Gomer. quick, inadequate overview: God commanded Hosea to marry a prostitute and have children of her, and when she would run off with other lovers to not divorce her, but to lure her back to himself. This reflected God's relationship with Israel. She ran off, many many times.

some thoughts

It'd likely be from Gomer's POV. I want to go into her history and he thoughts and motivations for going after other lovers.

I want it to be told from a modern day perspective. So therefore, some details will need to change.

Gomer's fear of intimacy and her journey from fear and lonliness to genuine belonging and being loved.

Anyone who is familiar with the book of Hosea have any thoughts?

Last night at InterVarsity large group, during worship, I was led to this verse:

Arise, shine, for your light has come
and the glory of the LORD has risen upon you.
For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth,
and thick darkness the peoples;
but the LORD will arise upon you,
and his glory will be seen upon you.
And nations shall come to your light,
and kings to the brightness of your rising.
- Isaiah 60:1-3 (esv)

As I read this, tears swelled up in my eyes. I've been struggling seriously with depression and anxiety lately. This has actually gone on for a long time, but it was put under closer magnification since I've gotten back to Kenya. Darkness had shrouded over my life and everything seemed at a total loss. I experienced a genuine lifting of this darkness a few weeks ago, but that doesn't mean it doesn't creep back up on me when I'm least likely to notice. But there is a present glory. It causes me to stand up and rise. Even though at one instant, my flesh rebels against this glory, the next it fills my heart, overflowing that I cannot help but pour it out on others. The LORD does lead us into times of struggle, even times of great depression (as the speaker at IV noted last night), but he also leads us out. These times in the desert make us more vulnerable, more in need of his glory to shine down on us. Think about the desert and how isolated it is. How open it is. How desolate yet how intimate when you come in from a place of deep faith.

I don't often notice other people. I don't often pray for the community even though I have a burning desire to be part of genuine community. Yet this verse led me to pray for everyone in the room. Everyone hurts so much. Everyone is experiencing some kind of despair in their life at one time or another. Yet, we bottle up and don't let it out. We hide it from others for several reasons. I do it because I feel like a downer or a burden to other people when I talk. Yet, that's not what we should do. It only represses the pain until it gets bigger and overpowering. We need to talk to each other. We need to be intentional. We need to be open. We need to encourage one another. And help each other shine. The Lord does it, but he often uses us as his vessels.

I always write in here when I have something due hanging over my head. Right now, I should be writing (revising) some fantastic fiction scenes, but I'm more than just a little tired.

I want to address a very weak part of my spirituality:

Being.

Resting in God's arms.


When people talk about cuddling up with Jesus, I kinda want to barf. I'm not very affectionate by nature and this is probably why. However, lately I've been experiencing God more than cognitively.


He is wooing me.

Yes!!

I feel like God is taking me where I am and breathing some lifeforce back into my being. He's bringing me to a place where I don't just desire to study him I desire to be with him.

But, I still fall into the same routine sometimes.

I researched post-grad options for almost 3 hours Tuesday night. It was completely fruitless, though it did confirm some things I will not be doing after I graduate. God kept on nudging me. I could feel it. He was telling me not to worry. Everything will be alright. I have plans for you.

And then randomly a song came to my head. And I wandered around my house singing it:

Ho-ho-ho-ly
Ho-ho-ho-ly
is the Lord God Almighty

Ho-ho-ho-ly
Ho-ho-ho-ly
is the Lord God Almighty


Heaven and Earth are filled with his praises
Heaven and Earth are filled with his love
Heaven and Earth are filled with his praises
Holy is the Lord God Almighty

Holy is the Lord, God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come!...

I kept singing that. Repeating those words. Not cognitively knowing why I was singing. Just singing. Being led in the Spirit. Reflecting on the words without trying to go into some big definitions of what Holiness is.

Being still and knowing he is God. And that he is with me.

People act like holiness is a thing that should shame us. Because God is so mighty and we are nothing. And while that's true in some sense, it's not complete. God's holiness is good news to us and it leads us into peace, rather than fear. Unless we make it bad news.

I have cringed from his Holiness even though I know the Good News in my head. It's something that needs to be affirmed in our hearts, enlightening us there.

Some of you may be confused when reading this. Maybe wondering what I'm talking about.

The Good News in a far too brief summary:
God was in existence, in relationship with himself, being three in one- Father, Son, Spirit.
God created us in his image, to be in relationship with Him. We turned our backs on Him and did what is evil in his eyes. Since God's perfection cannot be contradicted, he could no longer be in relationship with us. The Father sent his Son to live here on earth, and he died as payment for our sins. Because of this we can have relationship with God, through knowing Jesus Christ. We follow him or we don't and when we decide to follow Jesus, we die to ourselves- to our ambitions, our goals. We give everything we are up to him. He gives us a new Identity. We are brought back to life with him. We have eternal life and we can experience eternity with Him, now! At this very moment.

And as crazy and absurd as that sounds, it's the best news I have ever known.